Handling Grief During the Holidays

The holiday season can bring up lots of joyful emotions, but also negative emotions. Individuals experiencing grief during the holidays may not know how to handle this difficult time. Holidays used to be filled with happy memories and laughter, now to be replaced with sadness and holiday grief. All the happy memories turn bittersweet as you now yearn for the one you lost. Traditions change and things do not feel the same as they once did.

Have you ever felt grief during the holidays? Here’s what you can do to help manage grief and the holidays:

Why Is Grief Harder During the Holidays?

Grief is harder during the holidays because the season is built around togetherness, traditions, and memories, all of which point straight to the person who is gone. The contrast between holiday cheer and personal loss can feel sharp and lonely.

Traditions are a big part of it. The recipes, songs, and rituals that once brought joy now carry the weight of an empty seat at the table.

The brain plays a role too. According to the American Psychological Association, emotional memories are closely tied to sensory and seasonal cues, so a familiar smell or song can bring a wave of loss out of nowhere.

The pressure to feel merry adds another layer. When everyone around seems happy, grief can feel isolating. Talking it through with a counselor who offers grief counseling can make the season feel less heavy.

In 2015, Dr. Katherine Shear created 4 principles that were able to be of help to individuals who were struggling with grief during the holidays. According to her work, Managing Difficult Times, the principles are as follows:

1. Anticipate and Plan for Difficult Times.
2. Honor Continuing Bonds to the Person Who Died.
3. Find Pleasurable Activities for Yourself and Other People Who Are Still Alive.
4. Take Care of Yourself and Let Others Take Care of You.

You may be wondering now, what do these mean and how do I apply them to managing holiday grief? The first principle she mentions is “Anticipate and Plan for Difficult Times.” This could look like sitting down with your calendar and preparing for certain days that could be difficult. This also could look like anticipating how intense your grief may feel on certain days. Shear invites you to, “Make some notes about this. Try to anticipate how you will feel and practice self compassion.” Remind yourself that it is okay to feel grief during the holidays.

The second principle she mentions is “Honor Continuing Bonds to the Person Who Died.” Even though our loved one has passed away, we can still do things that will honor their memory during holiday grief. According to Shear, “They may need you to honor them, to take time to remember their achievements, their accomplishments, their love and caring, or other admired traits or actions.” Even a small moment to remember them can be helpful. You can make it something everyone does and light one candle and do something your loved one would’ve enjoyed. There are many ways to honor someone, it does not have to be one thing.

The third principle that Shear mentions is, “Find Pleasurable Activities for Yourself and Other People Who Are Still Alive.” Managing grief and the holidays means finding balance between honoring your emotions and allowing moments of joy. This can mean planning to get a massage or planning to make their favorite cookie. You can also spend time with family or friends that bring you joy and make new holiday traditions.

The last principle that Shear mentions is, “Take Care of Yourself and Let Others Take Care of You.” When navigating holiday grief, this can mean delegating tasks that need to be done. Shear also states that you should, “Lower your expectations of yourself and give yourself time and permission to feel sad.” The holidays can come with lots of emotions as mentioned above, it can help to retain realistic expectations for the holiday season.

How Do You Cope With the First Holiday After Losing a Loved One?

You cope with the first holiday after losing a loved one by planning ahead, lowering your expectations, and giving yourself permission to feel whatever comes up. The first holiday is often the hardest, so being gentle with yourself matters most.

Make a plan before the day arrives. Decide which traditions to keep, which to skip, and where you want to be. Having a plan removes some of the dread.

Let yourself feel it. Sadness, anger, and even moments of joy can all show up in the same day. None of them are wrong.

It also helps to keep some traditions and change others. There is no rule that says the day has to look like it used to. We help people find their footing through this exact season in grief support alongside others who understand.

How Can You Honor a Loved One Who Has Died During the Holidays?

You can honor a loved one who has died during the holidays by keeping a tradition they loved, lighting a candle in their memory, or sharing stories about them with family. Small acts of remembrance can bring comfort and connection.

Cooking their favorite dish is a gentle way to keep them close. So is hanging an ornament, playing their favorite music, or setting a place in their honor.

Sharing memories helps too. Inviting family to tell stories keeps the person present in a warm, healing way.

These rituals turn absence into love. They remind us that the bond does not end with the loss. We walk alongside families through these moments every season, and we are here at Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh whenever you need support.

What Should You Say to Someone Who Is Grieving During the Holidays?

You should say something simple and honest to someone who is grieving during the holidays, like “I’m thinking of you” or “I miss them too.” The goal is to show you care, not to fix their pain.

Keep it real. Saying the person’s name out loud and sharing a warm memory often means more than any polished speech.

Avoid trying to cheer them up or rush them along. Phrases like “they’re in a better place” can feel dismissive, even when they come from love.

Mostly, just be present. Listening matters more than having the right words. Sometimes the kindest gift is simply sitting with someone in their sadness, which is a core part of how grief and loss support works.

How Long Does Grief Usually Last?

Grief usually lasts longer than most people expect, and there is no set finish line. For many people the sharpest pain eases within the first 6 months, with steady improvement over the following year or two.

Grief does not move in a straight line. It comes in waves. Some days feel manageable, and others bring the loss rushing back, even years later.

Research gives a helpful baseline. The Center for Complicated Grief at Columbia University found that about 70% of bereaved people gradually settle into a more integrated grief within 6 to 18 months. The other 30% may need extra support to move through it.

There is no wrong pace. Healing means learning to carry the loss while living fully again. When grief stays stuck or heavy for a long time, working with a licensed counselor can help.

What Are the Hardest Months of Grief?

The hardest months of grief are often the first few after the loss, along with months that hold birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. These dates carry strong memories that can reopen the pain.

The early months tend to hit hardest. The shock wears off, the support from others fades, and the full reality of the loss sets in.

Certain dates stay tender for years. Grief researchers call these anniversary reactions, and they explain why the weeks leading up to a holiday can feel harder than the day itself.

Knowing the hard months are coming helps you prepare for them. Planning ahead and leaning on support can soften the blow. Building steady coping habits through wellness counseling gives you tools for the tough stretches.

Looking for Grief Counseling?

Coping with grief during the holidays is challenging, but you don’t have to face it alone. If you need help managing grief and the holidays, contact us at 412-856-WELL or fill out the form below to get started.

Written by Kelsey Counihan, LCSW