Red Flags in a Relationship

When it comes to relationships, no two are alike. Some things work for some relationships that may not necessarily work for others. Whatever the dynamic of your relationship may be, it is important to be able to assess when relationship red flags are present. These are some examples of red flags in a relationship to look out for.

Relationship Red Flags: Controlling Behaviors

Controlling behaviors in relationships can be present in many aspects, such as dictating who the other partner can see and hang out with, clothing choices, or how their time is spent. In today’s world, controlling behaviors can also be exhibited in terms of phone access. Controlling partners may demand excessive access to the other partner’s phone.

Controlling behavior is often rooted in insecurity and can result in a power imbalance in the relationship. Insecurity can come from the controlling partner feeling physically inadequate and therefore not “attractive enough” for their partner, or can even be rooted in trust issues, potentially from the current relationship or potentially from a previous relationship. Insecurities can stem from many factors, however, and are not only limited to physical aspects of the relationship.

Red Flags in a Relationship: Isolation

A 2023 study by De Sousa found that controlling behaviors can include isolating a partner from family and friends and can potentially escalate to physical violence when the perpetrating partner no longer feels as though his or her controlling behaviors are effective. Nonviolent coercive control can be described as usage of isolation tactics, including intimidation and isolation, which consequently can have negative effects on the cognitive and emotional well-being of the partner being isolated.

When we are in a relationship with someone, we tend to rely primarily on our partners for emotional support, but it is also important to try to have as many support systems as possible outside of just the relationship. Friends, family, coworkers, and mental health professionals are good emotional support resources to have and can provide different aspects of support beyond only a romantic level, which is why isolation in a relationship is a red flag.

Isolation in a relationship has been shown to decrease the victim’s self-esteem, academic or professional performance, and potentially contribute to the development of mental health disorders such as anxiety and depression

Relationship Red Flags: Lack of Trust

Trust is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. Without trust, there is no foundation to the relationship. There may be instances in relationships in which trust has been broken by a partner, and the other partner needs to gain the trust back, and there may be instances in which trust is lacking for no reason readily apparent to the other partner. Jealousy in a romantic relationship is a product of various factors, such as trust, but can also be stemmed in insecurity, as previously mentioned. 

Insecurity and jealousy are not uncommon in relationships, but the way in which these facets present themselves could be considered a relationship red flag and could potentially lead to bigger conflicts in the relationship. As previously stated, in a very technological modern world, lack of trust and insecurity can be significantly heightened by phones and social media. Various factors such as an unsatisfactory experience in a previous relationship can contribute to someone excessively monitoring a partner on social media.

Relationship Red Flags: Lack of Boundaries

A lack of clear boundaries in relationships is also a red flag. Boundaries are included but not limited to sexual, physical, or emotional. It is important to establish boundaries in relationships, and it is important that these boundaries are not crossed to maintain a peaceful relationship and to avoid conflict. 

If a partner is not comfortable with acting upon or participating in certain sexual acts, and the other partner insists upon it, that is an example of crossing sexual boundaries. Sexual boundaries could also include what one partner may consider cheating, betrayal or a violation of trust.

Cheating is not always clear cut, and some relationships may have different boundaries as to what is considered cheating. Some relationships consider sexual acts to be cheating, while other relationships may consider emotional intimacy such as flirting, deep conversations or even digital interactions to be cheating.

It is important to establish these boundaries with your partner to determine what each partner is or is not comfortable with.  If a partner knowingly does something considered cheating, this is crossing a sexual boundary. Crossing physical boundaries could also include violating personal space, touching without consent, or ignoring the other partner’s “no”.

Crossing emotional boundaries can consist of always expecting constant emotional availability even when the other partner may not be able to provide that. An example of this is getting upset or withdrawing affection when the other partner does not answer texts or calls right away, expecting a partner to be able to “fix” their emotions, interpreting a request for personal space as rejection or abandonment, or demanding constant reassurance from their partner.

Addressing Red Flags in a Relationship

It is not always easy to detect red flags in a relationship, but it is important. Not only is it important for the sake of the relationship and to limit conflict, but it is also important in order to ensure the mental and emotional health of everyone in the relationship.

Addressing red flags in a relationship can help to detect any problems at their root, and it is important to do what is best for your own safety and wellbeing, whether that be to try to vocalize and fix the problems with your partner, or whether that be to end the relationship. It is important to do what is best for you to achieve your own happiness, not only as a partner but as an individual.

Looking for Couples Counseling?

If you’re looking for support in learning how to improve your relationship, contact us at 412-856-WELL or fill out the form below to get started.

Written by Bella Baiano, Counseling Intern

Sources

Arikewuyo, A. O., Taiwo, T. L., & Arikewuyo, H. O. (2022). Evaluating the use of social media in escalating conflicts in romantic relationships. Journal of Public Affairs, 22(1). https://doi.org/10.1002/pa.2331

De Sousa, D., Paradis, A., Fernet, M., Couture, S., & Fortin, A. (2023). “I felt imprisoned”: A qualitative exploration of controlling behaviors in adolescent and emerging adult dating relationships. Journal of Adolescence, 95(5), 907–921. https://doi.org/10.1002/jad.12163