Attachment theory, which was first introduced by British psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the 1950s and 60s, posits that the way a child forms attachments to their primary caregiver can have a significant impact on how we approach romantic relationships as adults. Research has shown that early attachment styles can manifest in a variety of ways within our adult romantic relationships, influencing how we form connections, communicate, and respond to conflict.
There are four main attachment styles in attachment theory: secure attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and disorganized attachment. While there may be some variations or subtypes of these attachment styles, these four are the main categories used in attachment theory research and practice.
Here are examples of the four attachment styles in both infants and adults:
Infant: A secure infant is comfortable exploring their surroundings when their caregiver is present, and may experience some distress when their caregiver leaves, but are easily soothed when they return.
Adult: A secure adult is comfortable with emotional intimacy and expressing their needs and feelings openly and honestly. They communicate effectively with their partner and resolve conflicts in a constructive way.
Infant: An anxious infant may become very upset when their caregiver leaves and have difficulty being comforted when they return. They may cling to their caregiver, seeking comfort and reassurance. Anxious attachment styles in infants can develop due to inconsistent caregiving, the caregiver’s own unresolved attachment issues, early separation or trauma, overprotective caregiving, or neglect/abandonment experiences.
Adult: An anxious adult may struggle with insecurity and fear of abandonment within their romantic relationships. They may be overly sensitive to their partner’s moods and behaviors, often interpreting them as signs of rejection or disinterest. This can lead to a tendency to cling to their partner and become overly dependent, as well as difficulty expressing their needs and feelings effectively.
Infant: Avoidant attachment styles in infants can develop due to consistent unresponsiveness or rejection from caregivers, leading the child to suppress their attachment needs and develop a sense of self-reliance. An avoidant infant may seem indifferent or aloof when their caregiver is present, and may not show much distress when they leave. They may avoid physical contact with their caregiver, even when distressed.
Adult: An avoidant adult tends to have difficulty with emotional intimacy and may feel uncomfortable expressing their emotions or relying on their partner for support. They may prioritize independence and self-sufficiency, and may have a tendency to withdraw or shut down emotionally when faced with conflict or stress.
Infant: A disorganized infant may exhibit contradictory behaviors when their caregiver is present, such as approaching them while looking away, or freezing in place. They may seem confused or dazed, and have difficulty calming down after being upset.
Adult: A disorganized adult may exhibit a variety of contradictory behaviors in their romantic relationships. They may struggle with feelings of fear or mistrust towards their partner, while also feeling drawn to them. This can lead to a pattern of push-pull behaviors, where they may seek closeness with their partner one moment and then pull away the next.
It’s important to note that attachment styles are shaped by a complex interplay of genetic, biological, and environmental factors. While certain factors may contribute to the development of attachment styles, individual variations and unique experiences also play a role.
It’s important to note that while attachment styles can have a significant impact on our romantic relationships, they are not a fixed or immutable aspect of our personality. With self-awareness, commitment, and effort, individuals can work to overcome negative patterns and develop more positive and healthy attachment styles.
Some ways to work on improving attachment styles in relationships may include:
By working to understand and address our attachment styles, we can develop more positive and fulfilling romantic relationships.
Call 412-322-2129 or fill out the form below to get started with relationship counseling.
Have you ever felt like you were putting a lot of effort into showing love to your partner, but they just didn’t seem to be getting the message? Or maybe you have felt like you and your partner aren’t speaking the same language when it comes to showing affection. Learning which of the five languages is yours and which is your partner’s could be the key to unlocking a deeper level of connection and could help you see things from their perspective.
You may have heard the term “love languages,” but you may be wondering: what exactly are they? To put it simply, the love languages are the different ways in which people give and receive love. The concept of love languages was introduced by Dr. Gary Chapman in his book The Five Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate where he proposed that each individual has a preferred way of expressing love. According to Chapman, the primary love languages are acts of service, physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, and giving and receiving gifts. Understanding your own love language, as well as your partner’s, can help improve communication, deepen intimacy, strengthen your relationship, and help build a foundation of mutual understanding, respect, and appreciation for one another.
Let’s take a brief look at each love language:
Those with acts of service as their love language feel most loved when their partner does things for them that they perceive as helpful, such as running errands, cooking, cleaning, getting their partner’s favorite coffee in the morning, or performing other tasks. The focus is on the effort and the willingness to help, rather than the actual task itself.
People who have physical touch as their love language feel most appreciated when they receive physical contact and intimacy from their partners. This includes things like holding hands, hugging, kissing, having sex, massaging one’s back or shoulders, and cuddling. Physical touch communicates a sense of emotional closeness and comfort that words or actions may not be able to convey.
If your love language is quality time, you feel most loved when your partner and other loved ones spend uninterrupted, focused time with you. This means giving undivided attention, actively listening, and engaging in activities or conversations that both of you enjoy. Things like keeping phones away while on a date, your partner listening intently while you speak, and simply being present with each other are seen as meaningful.
Those whose love language is words of affirmation feel most appreciated when they receive verbal expressions of affection and appreciation from their partners. This includes words of encouragement, appreciation, and gratitude, such as saying “I love you” often, or compliments, like “you are so kind.” Words of affirmation convey a sense of love, respect, and validation that can help build self-esteem and deepen the emotional connection between two people.
For individuals who have gifts as their love language, they feel most loved when they receive thoughtful, meaningful, and personal gifts, or as Dr. Gary Chapman calls it: “visual symbols of love.” The focus is on the time and effort put into selecting and presenting the gift, rather than the monetary value of the gift itself. Gifts can communicate love, care, and affection within the relationship.
Written by Téa Del Rio, Counseling Intern. If you’d like to schedule an appointment with Téa, please call us at 412-322-2129.
References:
Chapman G. (1992). The five love languages: How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate. Northfield Publishing.
“Love isn’t something natural. Rather it requires discipline, concentration, patience, faith, and the overcoming of narcissism. It isn’t a feeling, it is a practice.”
― Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving
Soul mates, the stuff of fantasies, dreams come true, love at first sight and also quite likely among the reasons you may find yourself hurling towards disappointment when encountering real life love! A soul mate is a notion born from Christianity, the story is simple; at one time all souls frolicked in their natural and divine state of male female merger, we were celestial and reflecting wholeness. Then our souls were ripped apart and cast down to the earth leaving us with a longing which can only be subsided by the reunion of ourselves with our one “other half”. An interesting fact is that the western world nations practicing Christianity and love marriages suffer from exorbitantly high divorce rates compared to nations which may have practiced arranged marriages where the emphasis becomes working towards harmony.
A soul mate unintentionally dismisses the actual and expansive realities of true love by instead distracting a would-be lover with damaging beliefs such as “love at first sight.” In the soul mate version of love, emptiness and longing are the implications of living without ones eternal mate and the only remedy appears as the divine salve upon having found ones soul mate. When pirouetting from life’s various stages, including romantic encounters one may easily fall susceptible to the guise that wholeness has been reached, sustaining the faulty belief that the soul has become whole in those first throes of ecstatic merger. I assure you that any relationship which is built upon the understanding that perfection will be reached by the merging of two halfs, falsely acting upon the understanding that wholeness is only sustained by consolidating two empty jars; any such union will erode and suffer from disappointment and ensuing bitter resentment among a host of other maladies. Do not despair for this is no argument against love, this is a cautionary semblance meant to yield the reader towards a more mature and viable assembly of the hearts potential melodic chord!
I do not want to execute your love but I do want to help you to develop realistic expectations for romance and loving feelings. Love is not a magical act whereby two opposites attract or two fateful spirits find their missing piece. The act of loving is a skill set, to love is a verb implying that there is some action, exertion of effort, a labor of love indeed. Thus far we have established that love takes work and love requires two whole parts. A loving union offers many challenges but its rewards are tenfold. How does one find the harmonious chord when bringing together two humans with their own unique set of wants, needs, values, manners of loving and being? The answer is carefully, mindfully, and with intention.
https://inforanjan.com/why-is-the-divorce-rate-higher-in-love-marriages-than-in-arranged-marriages
Jealousy is an important and useful emotion. It can indicate that something is amiss in our relationship. It can help us act in a way that brings greater closeness and security to our connections when we respond to the signals of this emotion in a supportive and relationship-supporting way.
Yet jealousy can also reign down on our relationship, it can pull apart the integrity of a connection and cause a caring partner to turn away from an otherwise healthy union. The difference is often in how the person who exhibits jealousy manifests the emotion into communication and behavior.
We should also differentiate between rational and irrational jealousy, and pathological and non-pathological forms of this emotion. For instance if you are cheating on a partner or behaving in ways that challenge the commitment that you have made, it is obvious that your partner will have a rational response of jealousy. If there has NOT been infidelity in your relationship and your partner is often or sometimes jealous, they may be experiencing irrational jealously.
Irrational jealousy is either pathological, meaning related to a perceptual, biological, or mental health related diagnosis such as borderline or narcissistic personality disorder. Non-pathological, rational, and irrational jealousy can generally be helped by a partner by following some of the below stated ways of helping a jealous partner. As an aside, if you suspect that your partner has irrational and pathological jealousy, meaning not related to a real cause, and in extreme or even dangerous outbursts, you should exercise caution as some people have even escalated to highly aggressive and dangerous level of anger over jealousy.
It is never your job to fix another person but with all of this in mind, here are ways to interact best with your jealous partner.
Are you being flirty, are you crossing boundaries or eliciting responses in some people around you? Think about what you are really doing and imagine how your own behavior would make you feel if the tables were turned.
Jealousy is attachment insecurity and fear of disconnection. Label it as it is and help your partner process their concerns honestly and consciously.
Every relationship is about sacrifice and compromise but we also must have self awareness. Don’t give too much, if you think that your partners jealously is irrational, you might want to consider stepping away from the relationship and not end up sacrificing friends, activities, and important others to reduce their jealousy.
If you’re dealing with jealousy in your relationship and are interested in marriage counseling or couples therapy, you can reach us at 412-322-2129 or email us at info@counselingwellnesspgh.com to get started. Or contact us here.
Stephanie Wijkstrom, Co-founder of the Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh was interviewed about How to Deal with a Jealous Girlfriend. Read her tips (cited here) along with those of other relationship experts.
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The Valentine’s Day Love Manual For Singles, Married, and Those Who Never Want to Date Anyone Ever
We develop patience because we come to understand demandingness, we best learn to love by having our hearts broken, when our dignity is usurped, and our sanity called into question, sometimes this is the starting point for some wondrous growth and opportunity. We develop spirit by first living soullessly, we begin the path toward discipline because we know the deleterious dangers of living in the aimless direction of ego and ID driven revelry. For the month of February, many of us are more focused on love and relationships with Valentine’s Day upon us. As therapists, as women, humans, lovers and people who know just a little bit about the psychology of relationships, we offer this, The Valentine’s Day Love Manual for Singles, Married, Dating, and Those Who Never Want to Date Anyone Ever. Lets make love to the world with our song, our breath, our actions, and the beautiful ripples of our actions come to life.
1-“The First Rule of The Love Manual” For The Singles, The Free Birds Fluttering Brightly.
Love Your Self!
If we are going to ever get anything done in this world we must first love ourselves. If we don’t come from a place of self-acceptance, self-love, self-compassion, we will never be able to move beyond animal nature, we will never have any real relationship with anyone, anything, or any project. So if you’re single and loving it, rather work on perfecting your down dog or grooming your cats mane, that’s ok, just as long as it comes from a place of mindful self-love, we think that’s swell! You see as we humans evolve, we no longer pay as much attention to where we are going but instead it is how are we getting there, what is the motivation for action? Sound lofty? It is and that’s exactly what we are going for, something a little more! We can fall in a million different directions if we don’t practice mindfulness vigilantly, we may fall backwards into lesser motivation. Motivation, if not coming from love, is then derived from ego, ego quests for power, attention, praise, control, and per The Sage and All of the Worlds Ancient Ones, the ego culminates inferior instincts.
2- “The Second Rule of the Love Manual”, To Be Used If you want to attract great love into your life;
Love Your Self!
Like attracts like or like attracts the opposite, most importantly those who we share attraction with are those who vibrate on the same frequency as our root identity or self-concept. If we are vibrating in our lower elements, or energy centers of the physical realm, we will fall into relationships that are purely on the physical realm, which can be really great if that’s what two people are wanting together. Perhaps we have entered the emotional stage of development, then we will invariably only commit to relationships which mirror that. Perhaps we are vibrating from ego, and we quest for idolatry or fame, we may look only for those who embody false values such as vanity or fame. If we value power then we connect on that plane, if we truly love ourselves, as we develop spirit, then we will only connect with those who have peaked the crescendo toward those levels of being; spirit, morality, goodness, compassion, authenticity, and respect. When we love ourselves, we only acquiesce with those who mirror to us genuine affection.
The Third Rule of The Love Manual, For Those who are in a relationship long or short term, to keep the Love Strong,
Yes, you guessed it!
Love Your Self!
How does loving yourself keep things in balance for long-term relationships? Well unless we are discussing an extreme form of narcissism, chances are we think of your partners needs and do it often. For some, it is hard or guilt inducing to incorporate some self-indulgence into life rituals. How do we make time for a jog in the park when our wife is finishing with work and will be disappointed if we aren’t at home early? Before we know it, we haven’t constructed a relationship, we have constructed a cage! We choose and choose again, others needs and requests far beyond our own and resultant we consciously and unconsciously become overwhelmed, withdrawn, frustrated, passive aggressive, withholding, and depressed. This is not helpful for our love, and furthermore when we don’t love with boundaries, healthy limits, and in loving acknowledgment of our own needs we are not participating in a relationship or marriage, this is bondage and emotional servitude. So go ahead, choose yourself, love yourself and value yourself and watch your relationships flower beautifully!
In love, kindness, warmth, and respect,
The Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh Therapy Team
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Pop, Rock, Loving Boundlessly, “Latching onto Love”
Love’s Song
These thoughts are inspired by recently listening to the popular song titled, “Latch,” a song that many of you might be familiar with, read closely, the lyrics go as follows;
You lift my heart up when the rest of me is down
You, you enchant me even when you’re not around
If there are boundaries, I will try to knock them down
I’m latching on, babe, now I know what I have found
I feel we’re close enough
Could I lock in your love?
I feel we’re close enough
Could I lock in your love?
Now I’ve got you in my space
I won’t let go of you
Got you shackled in my embrace
I’m latching on to you
I’m so en-captured, got me wrapped up in your touch
Feel so enamored, hold me tight within your clutch
How do you do it? You got me losing every breath
What did you give me to make my heart bleed out my chest?
I feel we’re close enough
Could I lock in your love?
I feel we’re close enough
Could I lock in your love?
Now I’ve got you in my space
I won’t let go of you
Got you shackled in my embrace
I’m latching on to you
These lyrics, belted out by Sam Smith, epitomize the romantic notion of man meets woman, and with an erotic dominant force, he jettisons the avoidance of demure lady. There is something so unsettling in this cultural and relational paradigm . When we “shackle” someone into our embrace, when we “latch” onto them, thereby withholding opportunity for dissent, do we not then trespass the very important right to choose to say “no.” To continue, the line, “if there are boundaries I will try to knock them down,” knocking down boundaries is frightening from a therapeutic standpoint, personal space, freedom, and emotional health dictate the vitality of healthy boundaries. As psychotherapists when working with couples and individuals, we advocate for our client’s maintenance of healthy, well-defended, interpersonal boundaries. When our auditory perception is attuned to themes of interpersonal violence, abuse, the lyrics unveil even further description of the unhealthy tendency to blame or project the origin of our feelings onto others, in example, “what did you do to make my heart bleed from my chest?” Blaming and projection ignore an important component of the pain that some carry with them, often the pain we blame on others is our very own, a person bleeds because he or she is carrying a wound, a life-long wound that has little to do with the current object’ d’ amore. Yet this unhealthy mentality declared in the lyrics are the crux of interpersonal violence, stalking, and even rape, “shackling,” “clutching,” these volition’s of the very necessary ability to say “no thank you.” These lyrics summon thoughts of how many crimes are committed in the act of obsessional “love” which by its very acts is no such a love at all.
We know more than a few things about real, mature, healthy love and care. The difference between obsessional love which has “got you in my space and won’t let go of you, got you shackled in my embrace, I am latching on to you,” and real deal love, is freedom, respect for self and other, essential components of the very nature of love, love isn’t about our needs, our desires, love is about giving care to the other person. Love listens, love checks in, wondering, is this safe for my partner? Does she or he feel comfortable, connected, unburdened by my words, and closeness. Love respects the spaces in the song of loving connection, love doesn’t hold too tightly, and love encourages unlocking from an embrace as a self -assumed, legal, and personal right. Love does indeed let go, sometimes encouraging distance is a great act of self-control and respect which are qualifiers to any real love. In mature love, we allow and encourage the free motion of our connection to loves pulse knowing that connection is only achieved in the mindfully intermingled precipice of two thrumming beings who can very well chose to depart from the latch of the sweet embrace. So before we go humming the next hot love ballad, perhaps we may pause to wonder if these song lyrics respect personal choice, rights for freedom, love implies personal space to say “no” and when love hears no, love listens and respects unequivocally.
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Peace and love respectfully,
The Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh
Contributed by Stephanie McCracken MSPC
830 Western Avenue Pittsburgh Pa 15233
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The Fish and The Bird, A thoughts on Compliments
Smile from the inside
To those birds flying high, swooping down to proffer complements to external beauty, words like “she’s so pretty”, to the “did you see the way she looks with no makeup on”, to the world of no filter selfies, oh my goodness that girl looks like a hobbit, and look at the photo shop on Justin- he’s really so spindly. Did you see how much weight Kim has gained after her baby? To the land of tinder where we read little and swipe left, swipe right back and forth in an endless procession of objects for our egos and libido. How truly healthy are our minds eyes in whirl of impulsively uttered, “she’s so pretty and you’re so gorgeous” Maybe we are not too late to climb aboard the ship we are missing. It’s not about the way we look so much as the way that we feel. Mature love and even primal lust take much more than a craftily stated tagline and a first date where we are picked up in a shiny new Italian automobile by a man with bulging neck circumference, the male form of silicone breasts.
In a recent conversation with a good friend she mentioned her frustration that her ex-boyfriend would tell her that “she was the most beautiful woman in the world”, she would always feel diminished by this trite and billowy compliment and a few times she would muster the strength to look at him and state “but no, I am not.” Before anyone offers a preliminary diagnosis, she is not a woman with low self-esteem, my friend indeed is a prideful creature but hadn’t ever aspired to compete in the beauty pageant circuit. Yet, every time she would protest the compliment he would change the subject, invariably “you’re the most beautiful woman in the world” was the bloke’s idea of a high compliment. Perhaps some woman or men would swoon over those words, (see definition of bird) however this lady felt injustice upon that remark, this friend is a very lovely woman but she would wonder; “if the best in me is on the outside then what will I be when my skin sags and my locks have faded to silver?” In mindful dating and loving we can call upon the number one rule of persuasion is “know your audience.” It is important to know who it is that you’re talking to when lavishing charming praise upon a lady or gent. The world which compliments a woman or man’s façade without mentioning their inner world is a place where people become invisible or worthless as the years pass by. My friend’s relationship with her well-meaning boyfriend ended many years ago, perhaps in many ways because he never was able to know her inside, she was more mindful of the inner world and he dwelled above, he the bird and she the fish if you will.
If you really have your gaze locked on a lovely man or women and you have struck up conversation and now want to put the lady or gent under loves spell then pay close attention, not to how much his or her teeth sparkle when they smile, instead pay attention to the “what”. Disclaimer*** this may not work for everyone, notice fish and bird above if when dealing with woman who is more fish or mermaid and you use bird praise it may be less effective. On a more serious note our most valuable attributes are those things which vanquish mortality and link us to the wellspring of the eternal. Notice in her the conviction in her tone when she speaks. Observe in your beloved the way that they can put others at ease. Cast attention to his or her work ethic, keeping late hours and waking up in the early hours to start it all over again. Tell her that the attention and skill she puts into maintaining her health are inspirational. You see she just may be more flattered by these compliments, as they speak to something timeless, to values like strength, intention and honor, the things that will hold his or her posture erect even as geriatric skin sages into the most lovely gray pallor. When we feel understood and valued for the core components of our character then we feel connected, for many of us this notion of understanding facilitates the foundation of intimacy and attraction, yet it is not for the faint of heart or those who aren’t willing to put forth the bountiful effort required to nurture love.
In love and kindness,
Stephanie McCracken MSPC
Nicole Monteleone MA, LPC, NCC
Reviving Minds Therapy
1010 Western Avenue Pittsburgh Pa 15233
412-322-2129
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