I remember watching Cinderella as a young girl and dreaming about the day that I would find my own true love. After all, who wouldn’t want a prince to save them from the mundane tasks of everyday life? But it turns out that those Disney movies, and the relationship expectations they created for future relationships, held me back from establishing healthy relationships early on. I expected that relationships would be easy and that they would fulfill me. But to have a healthy relationship takes time and commitment. Below are the most common relationship expectations that hold us back from having a healthy relationship.
by Counseling and Wellness Center of PittsburghFebruary 1, 2023 borderline personality disorder, expectations, fairytale romance, healthy relationships, jealousy, narcissistic personality disorder, sexual chemistry, soulmates0 comments
Love Should Be a Fairy Tale
In the beginning of a relationship, it’s common to mistake the feelings of excitement and attraction for someone as love. But love is not a fairy tale in which things “just work out.” Each relationship has hurdles to overcome which take communication, trust, and vulnerability.
With The Right Person, The Relationship Will Be Easy
All relationships take work! Even with the right partner, relationships can be difficult, and differences of opinion are sure to arise. It is important that we communicate with each other and try to understand each other’s point of view. Even with the right person, it takes communication, commitment, and understanding to make a relationship succeed.
My Partner Should Always Make Me Happy
It’s important to feel happiness in our relationships, however your happiness should not be dependent on your partner. Each person in a relationship is responsible for their own happiness. When we expect that someone else will make us happy, this often leads to disappointment.
Sex Is The Most Important Part of a Relationship
While sex is an important part of intimacy in a relationship, it is not the only part. Emotional intimacy is equally important in a relationship. It is important that we discuss physical and emotional expectations with our partners to ensure satisfaction in our relationship.
If Someone Loves You, They Won’t be Attracted to Anyone Else
Humans are biologically wired to find others attractive. This does not end because we enter a relationship with someone. Even when our partner finds someone else attractive, it does not change the way they feel for us.
Jealousy is a Sign of Love
It is common to feel jealousy in a relationship from time to time. But overwhelming feelings of jealousy and the extreme behaviors that can accompany it (i.e., overwhelming questions, invading privacy, and controlling behavior) are a sign of a partner’s insecurity about themselves.
Please note: Irrational jealousy is either pathological, meaning related to a perceptual, biological, or mental health related diagnosis such as borderline or narcissistic personality disorder. If you suspect that your partner has irrational and pathological jealousy, you should exercise caution as some people have even escalated to highly aggressive and dangerous level of anger over jealousy.
If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, reach out to a therapist near you.
Love Conquers All
Love does not conquer all. There will always be differences of opinion and issues that arise, and assuming that love will fix these problems only leads to disappointment and resentment. To conquer all, a couple must have trust, respect, understanding, and healthy communication with each other.
Written by Rayeann Milne, Counseling Intern. If you’d like to schedule an appointment with Rayeann, please call us at 412-322-2129.
LePera, N. (2022, December 24). 7 Expectations that hold you back from a healthy relationship. News
by Counseling and Wellness Center of PittsburghJanuary 24, 2022 dating, divorce, healthy relationships, love, marriage, soulmates, valentines day0 comments
“Love isn’t something natural. Rather it requires discipline, concentration, patience, faith, and the overcoming of narcissism. It isn’t a feeling, it is a practice.”
― Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving
Soul mates, the stuff of fantasies, dreams come true, love at first sight and also quite likely among the reasons you may find yourself hurling towards disappointment when encountering real life love! A soul mate is a notion born from Christianity, the story is simple; at one time all souls frolicked in their natural and divine state of male female merger, we were celestial and reflecting wholeness. Then our souls were ripped apart and cast down to the earth leaving us with a longing which can only be subsided by the reunion of ourselves with our one “other half”. An interesting fact is that the western world nations practicing Christianity and love marriages suffer from exorbitantly high divorce rates compared to nations which may have practiced arranged marriages where the emphasis becomes working towards harmony.
A soul mate unintentionally dismisses the actual and expansive realities of true love by instead distracting a would-be lover with damaging beliefs such as “love at first sight.” In the soul mate version of love, emptiness and longing are the implications of living without ones eternal mate and the only remedy appears as the divine salve upon having found ones soul mate. When pirouetting from life’s various stages, including romantic encounters one may easily fall susceptible to the guise that wholeness has been reached, sustaining the faulty belief that the soul has become whole in those first throes of ecstatic merger. I assure you that any relationship which is built upon the understanding that perfection will be reached by the merging of two halfs, falsely acting upon the understanding that wholeness is only sustained by consolidating two empty jars; any such union will erode and suffer from disappointment and ensuing bitter resentment among a host of other maladies. Do not despair for this is no argument against love, this is a cautionary semblance meant to yield the reader towards a more mature and viable assembly of the hearts potential melodic chord!
I do not want to execute your love but I do want to help you to develop realistic expectations for romance and loving feelings. Love is not a magical act whereby two opposites attract or two fateful spirits find their missing piece. The act of loving is a skill set, to love is a verb implying that there is some action, exertion of effort, a labor of love indeed. Thus far we have established that love takes work and love requires two whole parts. A loving union offers many challenges but its rewards are tenfold. How does one find the harmonious chord when bringing together two humans with their own unique set of wants, needs, values, manners of loving and being? The answer is carefully, mindfully, and with intention.
5 Ways to Move Beyond the Notion of Soul Mate and Develop Strong and Healthy Relationships
- Approach from wholeness: Feeling sad, lonely, inadequate? These are not places from which a healthy relationship can be born, a “soul mate” meant to complete your empty parts is a set up for failure. Equally for all of the white knights and Florence Nightingales, it may somehow speak to your fractured psyche to purchase a fixer upper but saving someone else or teaching them art of living skills will inevitably be dehumanizing and resentment building for both parties. The best we can ever do is to hone our own self-worth, know our ever evolving abilities and work to create some confidence in them so that we can enjoy sharing those attributes with others who can extend the very same!
- Love takes work: One must be willing to exert effort in the creation of a smooth and solid relationship. This will require you to leave behind the infantile suggestion of perfect mergers manifested by the divine, the stuff of this world requires honing interpersonal skills, speaking and being authentically, embodying compassion, trust, care, believe, compromise, caress, challenge. The list could go on forever indeed but I am sure most of you are already aware of that!
- Know thy self: Socrates may have been the first to mention, the unexamined life is not worth living! Get to know yourself and develop a strong loving relationship with you! If you are hiding a ton of shame or uncertainties about the car you drive, your job, your interests and you want to create a relationship with someone able to “show you the way” then I assure you that even if you do meet a potential love match you will be starting the relationship off on shaky ground. Have respect for your unique being and as you become better equipped to share your presence authentically you will be far more likely to create similar relationships, the kind based on mutual likes, passions, values, and respect.
- Don’t expect too much but never settle: Sometimes settling may mean allowing the relationship or the self to fall into deterioration during the course of long term togetherness. Nurturing love requires one to constantly grow, maintain physical, emotional, spiritual growth. That which remains stagnant and rigid is bound to break but that which eternally renews shall remain strong and vital like the river flowing.
- Forget about finding the perfect fairy tale lover, evolve into the best “YOU”: Often in relationships men and women tirelessly search for that other who will allow the harmony and happiness to flow into their life. Yet beyond creating love based upon compatible personality, values, and interests that which prohibits the loving union is often to be found within our very own selves. As Rumi so profoundly proffers “Seek not for love but to remove all of the barriers within oneself which prevent it.”