couples therapy

8 Ways to Make Your Relationship More Comfortable

Relationship Advice for Couples

At the start of a relationship, it’s perfectly normal and natural to feel nerves. You are still trying to present the best version of yourselves. Over time though and as the relationship progresses, it’s vital to learn how to feel comfortable in your relationship. A lack of comfort with your partner can prevent you from growing as a couple and can possibly lead to problems in the future. If you’re looking for relationship advice for couples, read on for 8 ways to make your relationship more comfortable.

1. Have a disagreement! Most of us in the clinical world agree that it takes at least 2 years for a person to trust enough to become really honest about their past, present, and futures. If you haven’t disagreed with your partner, you don’t really have a relationship, it’s an acquaintanceship.
2. Don’t tell your friends, family, about your relationship issues, talk to your partner about what you feel. While everyone at times uses others as a sounding board, if you turn to others more than your partner to vent, you are likely robbing your relationship of important life blood.
3. State your needs not your criticisms. People fear stating a position in a relationship because they don’t know how to be constructive and supportive so they instead fiend silence and then explode or repress their true selves until the relationship deteriorates. When we tell our partner what we need, we allow our partner and the relationship an opportunity to grow and nothing is more comfortable than a relationship that is evolving.
4. Make time for yourself that doesn’t involve your partner. Keep your friends and solo activities. If you don’t have some, you will likely over rely on your partner for social support and approach your relationship from a perspective of need instead of strength. We can’t have a comfortable relationship if we can’t stand on our own.
5. Be vulnerable. Share your insecurities. Were you bullied as a kid? Went through an over weight stage or worked through stuttering? Say it! If this is your person, you must take small risks of sharing your vulnerable aspects, this is how trust is built by making small disclosures over time!
6. Tell them what you enjoy in the bedroom. Sexually intimacy is founded on trust and honesty. Share what turns you on and off. Indicating your pleasure to your partner is paramount to enjoying a healthy sexual relationship.
7. Share your dreams. What is your 5 year plan? Sharing this with your partner is a great way to grow closer together, or not. Especially if this is a newer relationship each of you can talk honestly about the direction in which you see your life going.
8. What are your boundaries or no go zones? These can be emotional, physical, interpersonal. Boundaries are unique for each of us. Some common ones include how you will interact with others, whether your relationship will be monogamous, frequency of communication. Boundaries teach others how we need to be loved and they define where one person ends and other begins.

These tips were provided by Stephanie Wijkstrom, licensed marriage counselor and founder of the Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh. Want more relationship help? Check out Stephanie’s book, Creating Relationship Wellness: An Introduction to the Techniques of Mindfulness for Healthy Relationships.Interested in More Relationship Advice for Couples?

If you are interested in marriage counseling or couples therapy, you can reach us at 412-322-2129 or email us at info@counselingwellnesspgh.com to get started. Or contact us here.

5 Tips for How to Deal with a Jealous Partner

Jealousy is an important and useful emotion. It can indicate that something is amiss in our relationship. It can help us act in a way that brings greater closeness and security to our connections when we respond to the signals of this emotion in a supportive and relationship-supporting way.

Yet jealousy can also reign down on our relationship, it can pull apart the integrity of a connection and cause a caring partner to turn away from an otherwise healthy union. The difference is often in how the person who exhibits jealousy manifests the emotion into communication and behavior.

We should also differentiate between rational and irrational jealousy, and pathological and non-pathological forms of this emotion. For instance if you are cheating on a partner or behaving in ways that challenge the commitment that you have made, it is obvious that your partner will have a rational response of jealousy. If there has NOT been infidelity in your relationship and your partner is often or sometimes jealous, they may be experiencing irrational jealously.

Irrational jealousy is either pathological, meaning related to a perceptual, biological, or mental health related diagnosis such as borderline or narcissistic personality disorder. Non-pathological, rational, and irrational jealousy can generally be helped by a partner by following some of the below stated ways of helping a jealous partner. As an aside, if you suspect that your partner has irrational and pathological jealousy, meaning not related to a real cause, and in extreme or even dangerous outbursts, you should exercise caution as some people have even escalated to highly aggressive and dangerous level of anger over jealousy.

How to Deal with Your Jealous Partner

It is never your job to fix another person but with all of this in mind, here are ways to interact best with your jealous partner.

• Offer reassurance, if your partner is feeling insecure, let them know that you are committed to them. It might take practice to respond with gentle support in the air of your own irritation but at the root of jealousy is the fear of loosing connection.
• Be consistent. Consistency trumps all and will offer the soothing balm to an uncertain love the salve that they need to feel confident in the love.
• Examine your own behavior.

Are you being flirty, are you crossing boundaries or eliciting responses in some people around you? Think about what you are really doing and imagine how your own behavior would make you feel if the tables were turned.

• Recognize it for what it is

Jealousy is attachment insecurity and fear of disconnection. Label it as it is and help your partner process their concerns honestly and consciously.

• Have boundaries!

Every relationship is about sacrifice and compromise but we also must have self awareness. Don’t give too much, if you think that your partners jealously is irrational, you might want to consider stepping away from the relationship and not end up sacrificing friends, activities, and important others to reduce their jealousy.

Dealing with Jealousy In Your Relationship?

If you’re dealing with jealousy in your relationship and are interested in marriage counseling or couples therapy, you can reach us at 412-322-2129 or email us at info@counselingwellnesspgh.com to get started. Or contact us here.

Additional Jealous Partner Resources

Stephanie Wijkstrom, Co-founder of the Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh was interviewed about How to Deal with a Jealous Girlfriend. Read her tips (cited here) along with those of other relationship experts.

Relationships; Repair or Run, Top 5 Ways To Know

Repair or Run, relationship counseling

Repair or Run; Relationship Checklist 

Whether married, dating, in a long or short term relationship, despite our most valiant efforts, sometimes our love becomes disharmonious, with that being said, each person we date or meet doesn’t have the personal and relationship skills to create a beautiful love song that will echo into eternity. Perhaps you are like most people who can relate to having been conflicted about whether or not to remain in a relationship.  Friends, family, and romantic partners alike can bring so much joy and enrichment into our lives and hope, coupled with happy peaceful times allow us to remain steadfast and true when we run upon difficult moments. However, sometimes despite our protests and discussions we may find that the relationship has taken a turn leaving us feeling down and discouraged?  Below are questions to ask ourselves to prompt considerations which will help us to determine whether or not a relationship is worth the continued investment.

Does this person want what is best for me?

Those whom we allow in our lives should have our best interest at heart.  The decisions we make have a direct impact on our lives.  Therefore, the closest people to us, should encourage us to make good  decisions.  Our relationships should drive us to be mindful of the decisions we make and any guidance offered should be free of ulterior motive.  A solid foundation, in a nurturing environment, allows for growth.

Have I abandoned my own values to have this person in my life?

Values can be defined as what is important in ones life.  If we abandon what is important in our lives, we abandon the very fiber that makes us who we are.  Sometimes we start very early to look past certain red flags like smoking, or drinking, or a temper in order to be patient and compassionate but it is important to understand and have boundaries as well as “deal breakers.” Just as well as other factors such as valuing sexual connection, health, and time as high priorities and coupling with others who value the same.

Do I trust them?

The ability to trust someone involves several fundamental components:  reliability, honesty, integrity, and security.  Those in whom we invest should possess such characteristics.  Without these, and without trust, a foundation cannot be built and therefore, a relationship cannot be sustained.  One should never invest in a faulty foundation. On the other hand, in order to trust another we first must trust ourselves.

Am I significant to this person?

The heart of significant human relationships can be found in the ability to influence each other.  When we influence one another, we are shown that our existence has meaning and what we think and believe is important.  The relationships in which we invest should make us feel that we are worthy of attention.  You deserve to feel like a priority!

Is this relationship is one sided?

In order to feel happy in a relationship, one must feel like his or her needs are being met.  Often, when a relationship is one sided, we are left feeling dissatisfied because one or more of our needs have been ignored.  Investment in a relationship involves mutual communication, vulnerability, and commitment.  It is a vital necessity to mutually value and appreciate in a loving relationship.

In love and relational wellness,

Corynn Koos Ma, LPC, NCC

Therapist and Relationship Counselor at The Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh

The Valentine’s Day Love Manual For Singles, Married, and Those Who Never Want to Date Anyone Ever.

The Valentine’s Day Love Manual For Singles, Married, and Those Who Never Want to Date Anyone Ever

We develop patience because we come to understand demandingness, we best learn to love by having our hearts broken, when our dignity is usurped, and our sanity called into question, sometimes this is the starting point for some wondrous growth and opportunity. We develop spirit by first living soullessly, we begin the path toward discipline because we know the deleterious dangers of living in the aimless direction of ego and ID driven revelry.  For the month of February, many of us are more focused on love and relationships with Valentine’s Day upon us. As therapists, as women, humans, lovers and people who know just a little bit about the psychology of relationships, we offer this, The Valentine’s Day Love Manual for Singles, Married, Dating, and Those Who Never Want to Date Anyone Ever. Lets make love to the world with our song, our breath, our actions, and the beautiful ripples of our actions come to life.

1-“The First Rule of The Love Manual” For The Singles, The Free Birds Fluttering Brightly.

Love Your Self!

If we are going to ever get anything done in this world we must first love ourselves. If we don’t come from a place of self-acceptance, self-love, self-compassion, we will never be able to move beyond animal nature, we will never have any real relationship with anyone, anything, or any project.  So if you’re single and loving it, rather work on perfecting your down dog or grooming your cats mane, that’s ok, just as long as it comes from a place of mindful self-love, we think that’s swell! You see as we humans evolve, we no longer pay as much attention to where we are going but instead it is how are we getting there, what is the motivation for action? Sound lofty? It is and that’s exactly what we are going for, something a little more! We can fall in a million different directions if we don’t practice mindfulness vigilantly, we may fall backwards into lesser motivation. Motivation, if not coming from love, is then derived from ego, ego quests for power, attention, praise, control, and per The Sage and All of the Worlds Ancient Ones, the ego culminates inferior instincts.

2- “The Second Rule of the Love Manual”, To Be Used If you want to attract great love into your life;   

Love Your Self!

Like attracts like or like attracts the opposite, most importantly those who we share attraction with are those who vibrate on the same frequency as our root identity or self-concept. If we are vibrating in our lower elements, or energy centers of the physical realm, we will fall into relationships that are purely on the physical realm, which can be really great if that’s what two people are wanting together. Perhaps we have entered the emotional stage of development, then we will invariably only commit to relationships which mirror that. Perhaps we are vibrating from ego, and we quest for idolatry or fame, we may look only for those who embody false values such as vanity or fame. If we value power then we connect on that plane, if we truly love ourselves, as we develop spirit, then we will only connect with those who have peaked the crescendo toward those levels of being; spirit, morality, goodness, compassion, authenticity, and respect. When we love ourselves, we only acquiesce with those who mirror to us genuine affection.

The Third Rule of The Love Manual, For Those who are in a relationship long or short term, to keep the Love Strong,

Yes, you guessed it!

Love Your Self!

How does loving yourself keep things in balance for long-term relationships? Well unless we are discussing an extreme form of narcissism, chances are we think of your partners needs and do it often. For some, it is hard or guilt inducing to incorporate some self-indulgence into life rituals. How do we make time for a jog in the park when our wife is finishing with work and will be disappointed if we aren’t at home early? Before we know it, we haven’t constructed a relationship, we have constructed a cage! We choose and choose again, others needs and requests far beyond our own and resultant we consciously and unconsciously become overwhelmed, withdrawn, frustrated, passive aggressive, withholding, and depressed. This is not helpful for our love, and furthermore when we don’t love with boundaries, healthy limits, and in loving acknowledgment of our own needs we are not participating in a relationship or marriage, this is bondage and emotional servitude.  So go ahead, choose yourself, love yourself and value yourself and watch your relationships flower beautifully!

In love, kindness, warmth, and respect,

The Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh Therapy Team