couples therapy

Relationships thrive on open communication, vulnerability, and a genuine desire to understand and support each other. While it may be easy to discuss everyday matters, diving into deeper questions can strengthen the emotional bond between partners. If you and your partner feel comfortable having these conversations and exploring questions for couples together, you can uncover new dimensions of your relationship. In this blog post, we will explore six thought-provoking questions to ask your partner that can help you gain insight into their thoughts and feelings. Sit down, ask your partner these questions, and embark on a journey of exploration and connection.

6 Questions for Couples

1. What are your expectations of me in this relationship? Setting clear expectations is essential in any relationship. By discussing each other’s expectations openly, you can avoid misunderstandings and work towards mutual growth and support. Talk about your emotional needs, communication styles, and what you both envision for the future. Understanding each other’s expectations helps build a solid foundation for your relationship.
2. How do I make you a better person, and why? In a healthy partnership, both individuals should encourage personal growth and support each other’s aspirations. Reflect on how your partner positively influences your life and vice versa. Acknowledging each other’s positive impact fosters appreciation and builds a sense of purpose in the relationship.
3. What little things can I do to enhance our relationship? Small gestures can have a significant impact on the relationship’s quality. Discussing these simple acts of kindness or thoughtful behaviors creates opportunities for both partners to show love and care regularly. It might be as simple as leaving love notes or cooking each other’s favorite meal. These little things can create lasting memories and strengthen your bond.
4. Do you feel like you became a better person after meeting me, and why or why not? The dynamics of a relationship can lead to personal growth and transformation. Discuss how your partner’s presence has influenced your life and vice versa. Share the positive changes you have experienced since being together. Recognizing this growth fosters appreciation and reaffirms the value of your relationship.
5. Was there any time during our relationship where you thought we wouldn’t make it, and why? Every relationship faces challenges, and it’s crucial to address moments of uncertainty openly. By discussing tough times, you can gain a deeper understanding of each other’s emotions and perspectives. Understanding how you overcame obstacles together reinforces your resilience as a couple.
6. What specific part of me do you never want to change? By asking this question, you are inviting your partner to reflect on the attributes, characteristics, or traits that they hold most dear about you. It goes beyond physical appearances or external aspects and delves into the deeper aspects of your personality, values, and essence. Moreover, this question fosters a sense of acceptance and appreciation for who you are as an individual. It allows your partner to express their unwavering love and admiration for the core essence of your being, reinforcing a sense of emotional intimacy and connection in the relationship.

Engaging in these questions for couples can be an exciting and enlightening experience. Make it a fun game by writing the questions on pieces of paper and picking them randomly. Alternatively, set aside dedicated time to discuss each question in-depth without distractions. Create a safe space for vulnerability, honesty, and non-judgmental communication.

Benefits of Deep Conversations

Exploring these questions for couples can yield numerous benefits for your relationship, especially when you engage in meaningful questions to ask your partner:

• Strengthening Emotional Intimacy: Discussing these questions fosters emotional intimacy as you open up about your feelings, fears, and dreams.
• Building Trust: Honest conversations build trust and demonstrate your commitment to understanding each other deeply.
• Improving Communication: Engaging in meaningful discussions enhances communication skills and promotes active listening.
• Reinforcing Appreciation: By acknowledging each other’s positive impact, you cultivate appreciation and gratitude.

Deepening your connection with your partner through thoughtful questions for couples can be a transformative experience. By discussing questions to ask your partner about expectations, personal growth, relationship enhancements, challenges, and admiration, you will gain valuable insights into each other’s inner world. Embrace these conversations as an opportunity to grow together, strengthen your bond, and create a deeper understanding of your unique connection. Remember, communication is the key to a thriving relationship. So, sit down with your partner, ask these questions, and embark on an exploration that will enrich your love and connection in profound ways.

Written by: Autumn Walsh, LSW, MSW and Certified Clinical Trauma Specialist. 

Interested in Exploring Questions for Couples During Couples Therapy?

If you are interested in exploring deeper questions for couples while in the container of couples therapy, please call us at 412-856-WELL or fill out the form below to get started. Our experienced Couples Therapists can help you to strengthen your relationship.

Attachment theory, which was first introduced by British psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the 1950s and 60s, posits that the way a child forms attachments to their primary caregiver can have a significant impact on how we approach romantic relationships as adults. Research has shown that early attachment styles can manifest in a variety of ways within our adult romantic relationships, influencing how we form connections, communicate, and respond to conflict.

What Are the Different Attachment Styles?

There are four main attachment styles in attachment theory: secure attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and disorganized attachment. While there may be some variations or subtypes of these attachment styles, these four are the main categories used in attachment theory research and practice.

Here are examples of the four attachment styles in both infants and adults:

Secure Attachment Style

Infant: A secure infant is comfortable exploring their surroundings when their caregiver is present, and may experience some distress when their caregiver leaves, but are easily soothed when they return.

Adult: A secure adult is comfortable with emotional intimacy and expressing their needs and feelings openly and honestly. They communicate effectively with their partner and resolve conflicts in a constructive way.

Anxious Attachment Style

Infant: An anxious infant may become very upset when their caregiver leaves and have difficulty being comforted when they return. They may cling to their caregiver, seeking comfort and reassurance. Anxious attachment styles in infants can develop due to inconsistent caregiving, the caregiver’s own unresolved attachment issues, early separation or trauma, overprotective caregiving, or neglect/abandonment experiences.

Adult: An anxious adult may struggle with insecurity and fear of abandonment within their romantic relationships. They may be overly sensitive to their partner’s moods and behaviors, often interpreting them as signs of rejection or disinterest. This can lead to a tendency to cling to their partner and become overly dependent, as well as difficulty expressing their needs and feelings effectively.

Avoidant Attachment Style

Infant: Avoidant attachment styles in infants can develop due to consistent unresponsiveness or rejection from caregivers, leading the child to suppress their attachment needs and develop a sense of self-reliance. An avoidant infant may seem indifferent or aloof when their caregiver is present, and may not show much distress when they leave. They may avoid physical contact with their caregiver, even when distressed.

Adult: An avoidant adult tends to have difficulty with emotional intimacy and may feel uncomfortable expressing their emotions or relying on their partner for support. They may prioritize independence and self-sufficiency, and may have a tendency to withdraw or shut down emotionally when faced with conflict or stress.

Disorganized Attachment Style

Infant: A disorganized infant may exhibit contradictory behaviors when their caregiver is present, such as approaching them while looking away, or freezing in place. They may seem confused or dazed, and have difficulty calming down after being upset.

Adult: A disorganized adult may exhibit a variety of contradictory behaviors in their romantic relationships. They may struggle with feelings of fear or mistrust towards their partner, while also feeling drawn to them. This can lead to a pattern of push-pull behaviors, where they may seek closeness with their partner one moment and then pull away the next.

It’s important to note that attachment styles are shaped by a complex interplay of genetic, biological, and environmental factors. While certain factors may contribute to the development of attachment styles, individual variations and unique experiences also play a role.

Are Attachment Styles Fixed?

It’s important to note that while attachment styles can have a significant impact on our romantic relationships, they are not a fixed or immutable aspect of our personality. With self-awareness, commitment, and effort, individuals can work to overcome negative patterns and develop more positive and healthy attachment styles.

Some ways to work on improving attachment styles in relationships may include:

1. Seeking therapy or relationship counseling to work through past traumas or emotional baggage that may be impacting current relationships.
2. Practicing effective communication skills, such as active listening, assertiveness, and empathy.
3. Building trust and intimacy through shared experiences and vulnerability.
4. Setting healthy boundaries and expectations within the relationship.

By working to understand and address our attachment styles, we can develop more positive and fulfilling romantic relationships.

Interested in Couples Therapy to Help With Attachment Styles?

Call 412-322-2129 or fill out the form below to get started with relationship counseling.

Have you ever felt like you were putting a lot of effort into showing love to your partner, but they just didn’t seem to be getting the message? Or maybe you have felt like you and your partner aren’t speaking the same language when it comes to showing affection. Learning which of the five languages is yours and which is your partner’s could be the key to unlocking a deeper level of connection and could help you see things from their perspective.

What are the Five Love Languages?

You may have heard the term “love languages,” but you may be wondering: what exactly are they? To put it simply, the love languages are the different ways in which people give and receive love. The concept of love languages was introduced by Dr. Gary Chapman in his book The Five Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate where he proposed that each individual has a preferred way of expressing love. According to Chapman, the primary love languages are acts of service, physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, and giving and receiving gifts. Understanding your own love language, as well as your partner’s, can help improve communication, deepen intimacy, strengthen your relationship, and help build a foundation of mutual understanding, respect, and appreciation for one another.

Let’s take a brief look at each love language:

Acts of Service

Those with acts of service as their love language feel most loved when their partner does things for them that they perceive as helpful, such as running errands, cooking, cleaning, getting their partner’s favorite coffee in the morning, or performing other tasks. The focus is on the effort and the willingness to help, rather than the actual task itself. 

Physical Touch

People who have physical touch as their love language feel most appreciated when they receive physical contact and intimacy from their partners. This includes things like holding hands, hugging, kissing, having sex, massaging one’s back or shoulders, and cuddling. Physical touch communicates a sense of emotional closeness and comfort that words or actions may not be able to convey.

Quality Time

If your love language is quality time, you feel most loved when your partner and other loved ones spend uninterrupted, focused time with you. This means giving undivided attention, actively listening, and engaging in activities or conversations that both of you enjoy. Things like keeping phones away while on a date, your partner listening intently while you speak, and simply being present with each other are seen as meaningful.

Words of Affirmation

Those whose love language is words of affirmation feel most appreciated when they receive verbal expressions of affection and appreciation from their partners. This includes words of encouragement, appreciation, and gratitude, such as saying “I love you” often, or compliments, like “you are so kind.” Words of affirmation convey a sense of love, respect, and validation that can help build self-esteem and deepen the emotional connection between two people.

Gifts

For individuals who have gifts as their love language, they feel most loved when they receive thoughtful, meaningful, and personal gifts, or as Dr. Gary Chapman calls it: “visual symbols of love.” The focus is on the time and effort put into selecting and presenting the gift, rather than the monetary value of the gift itself. Gifts can communicate love, care, and affection within the relationship.

Written by Téa Del Rio, Counseling Intern. If you’d like to schedule an appointment with Téa, please call us at 412-322-2129.

References:

Chapman G. (1992). The five love languages: How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate. Northfield Publishing.

Setting Couples New Year’s Resolutions is a great way to create a stronger connection, reinforce your bond, and set expectations for the future. Having shared goals can help you both stick to your promises—the more effort you two put in, the stronger the relationship. If you’re looking for some goals to work toward with your partner, this list of 6 Relationship Resolutions for 2023 is the perfect place to start.

1.  Make a conflict management plan: this will allow you both to have your unique emotional constitutions respected, as well as forming a plan for how to manage healthy conflict in your relationship. A plan for conflict implies that disagreements are not inherently a problem but aims at tackling issues in the relationship that can cause small issues to become much bigger. It also brings awareness about how emotions play into your disagreements and what to do so that there is a smaller likelihood that trigger topics spiral out of control.

2. Make a vision board for your relationship and what you want in the next month, 6 months, 1 year, 2 years and 5 years! Once you’re done, put your vision board in a place you’ll see often because when you see something that inspires you on a daily basis, you stay on track. You can even take a picture of it and use it as your phone wallpaper.

3. Create an environment of appreciation between yourself and your partner. Catch your partner doing three things a week that you are grateful for. Share this with each other at the end of each week. 

4. It is commonplace to be consumed by work, children, and finances that we literally forget how important it is to carve out quality time with our partners. Schedule date nights every other month. Pick the day (time and place can come later). Having a planned date is a great way to maintain a sense of adventure and fun in your relationship—it ensures time to build emotional intimacy and check in with each other.

5. Make rituals that honor your birthday, anniversary, holidays, and other landmark events through time. Celebrating the passage of time is a key component of how relationship masters keep their relationship well.

6. Choose compassion over being right. So many relationships suffer because our egos become gridlocked in the pattern of trying to be correct instead of being understanding and loving towards our partners and loved ones! Keep this in mind and always remember it is our kindness and care which nurtures those that surround us!

Written by Marriage Counselor and Founder of the Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh, Stephanie Wijkstrom.

Interested in Couples Counseling?

Fill out the form below or contact us at 412-322-2129.

If you have recently answered ‘yes’ to a marriage proposal, then along with the rush of planning your version of the perfect wedding you also may also be considering whether you should be going to premarital counseling. Premarital counseling is a form of couples therapy that emphasizes wellness. Our counselors have put together a list of questions to ask before marriage to determine if it makes the wellness grade for relationship health, this will help you and your partner to understand some parts of your relationship in a deeper way.

Don’t be afraid to feel a little uncomfortable, these are questions for couples that you wouldn’t normally think about but that also is what makes them especially powerful— to assess the strengths and various qualities of your unique partnership. This does not replace premarital counseling but it does help you each to examine your relationship in a mindful and healthy way.

Questions to Ask Before Marriage

1. Why do you want to get married?
2. What roles do you see for yourself in your marriage?
3. What do you imagine might be your biggest challenge in being married?
4. What makes your relationship unique?
5. How do your friends and family view your relationship with your partner?
6. What is your idea of the perfect wedding?
7. Are there others who are close to you who have different ideas for how your wedding should go?
8. How do you each talk about your thoughts and needs?
9. How do you manage conflict?
10. What are each of your conflict resolutions styles?
11. What has been a challenge for your conflict resolution?
12. How you repair conflict?
13. When you feel stress how can you partner help you?
14. How would you describe your communication style?
15. Is it generally easy for you to talk about your needs?
16. Do you find you over communicate your needs?
17. Do you have an attacking communication style?
18. Do you become very emotional when you communicate?
19. How similar or different are each of your sexual libidos?
20. Describe the amount of foreplay that you have with your partner on average?
21. Do you feel able to initiate lovemaking?
22. Do you feel able to decline sex with your partner?
23. Are you able to orgasm?
24. Do you have sex that is non-penetrative?
25. What are some of your financial concerns about your future together?
26. What is your ritual around managing the finances?
27. How do you handle household maintenance like cooking and cleaning?
28. Do you plan to have children together?
29. What trait do you most admire in your partner?
30. What is one mutual goal between the two of you?
31. What do you see yourselves doing in 10 years?
32. What do you see yourselves doing in 20 years?

With the help of questions like these, you and your partner can begin the lifelong process of deepening your understanding of yourselves and each other, keeping in mind, your answers to these questions will likely change over time. That is normal and to keep your marriage healthy, you should continually check in with each other and have hard conversations about things that matter to you. Wellness means that we manage and care for ourselves and our relationships in a way that keeps them strong and happy and that we strategically plan for success by growing our relationship to be stronger. Great marriages are created intentionally by addressing individual and relationship needs, prioritizing connection, listening and compromising.  None of which are easy, but all of which are well worth it to live happily, in love, for the rest of your life.

Interested in Premarital Counseling?

If you’re interested in pre-marital counseling or couples therapy please contact us at 412-322-2129 or fill out the form below.

The term quiet quitting is a wave that sparked from the great resignation, and the apathy that some workers have experienced in dead end and toxic workplaces. Quiet quitting happens in many places including our romantic relationships. Any time that we are in a relationship and we notice that we stop caring and stop connecting with our partner, we are quiet quitting.

To use Gottman Method Marriage Therapy terms, we are all making ‘bids’ for connection in our relationships. A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. Bids show up in simple ways, “How was dinner?” or they can be very complex, ‘I really wish we were having more sex!’ There are three basic ways that a partner can respond to a bid—they can turn toward, they can turn away, and they can turn against. The way that our partner responds to a bid has an impact.

In fact, researchers can predict divorce based on the number of bids that a person turns against. When a partner turns against a relationship, it is painful and creates a very toxic pattern. For example, one partner trying to connect says, ‘I would love to come with you to the store.’ Turning against says, ‘Why are you always trying to go with me, can’t you just leave me alone?’ whereas Turning Toward, might say, ‘That would be great, I will wait in the car!’ Turning away might be remaining neutral or not saying anything. Gottman Method states that happy partners in a relationship accept 86% of the bids that are made to them. Bids represent needs such as connection, attachment, understanding, intimacy, and excitement.

When we don’t have our needs met in a relationship, there is an awareness that things aren’t like we wish or had expected they would be. A person starts to wonder about the relationship and can even start to imagine that they could have their needs met with a different partner. Unmet needs create a slow landslide toward dissatisfaction and quiet quitting. A partner may first talk about the unhappiness, feelings of aloneness, or lack of appreciation that they feel. Even bids to create greater understanding and connection, if unacknowledged or not responded to, will also cease to happen, creating the cascade of distance and aloneness that hallmarks the most unhappy relationships, the relationships that very well may be headed for divorce.

Here are 5 Ways to Prevent Your Partner From Quiet Quitting You.

1. Tune in and accept the bids your partner is sending your way. Notice it when your partner does something nice, thoughtful and loving and respond to it with gratitude and attention.
2. Find ways to give back. Your partner’s relationship needs may be different from yours but it is each partners responsibility to become fluent in their partner’s love language and to speak the language of love frequently.
3. A healthy relationship needs to be a priority. We must give time, attention and care for ourselves and our partner in a way that allows for a positive, receptive and loving mindset to evolve from it.
4. If you notice that your partner is checking out, talk about it, don’t avoid the topic. Having those difficult conversations early on will allow you both the time and space to start to get the relationship back on track.
5. Get professional help. Marriage counseling or Couples Therapy can be the best method to talk about what is happening between the two of you, especially if there is defensiveness and argument when you both try to talk about the issues that are happening.

Written by Marriage Counselor and Founder of the Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh, Stephanie Wijkstrom.

Interested in Couples Therapy?

Call 412-322-2129 or fill out the form below to get started with Couples Therapy.