couples therapy

Relationships; Repair or Run, Top 5 Ways To Know

Repair or Run, relationship counseling

Repair or Run; Relationship Checklist 

Whether married, dating, in a long or short term relationship, despite our most valiant efforts, sometimes our love becomes disharmonious, with that being said, each person we date or meet doesn’t have the personal and relationship skills to create a beautiful love song that will echo into eternity. Perhaps you are like most people who can relate to having been conflicted about whether or not to remain in a relationship.  Friends, family, and romantic partners alike can bring so much joy and enrichment into our lives and hope, coupled with happy peaceful times allow us to remain steadfast and true when we run upon difficult moments. However, sometimes despite our protests and discussions we may find that the relationship has taken a turn leaving us feeling down and discouraged?  Below are questions to ask ourselves to prompt considerations which will help us to determine whether or not a relationship is worth the continued investment.

Does this person want what is best for me?

Those whom we allow in our lives should have our best interest at heart.  The decisions we make have a direct impact on our lives.  Therefore, the closest people to us, should encourage us to make good  decisions.  Our relationships should drive us to be mindful of the decisions we make and any guidance offered should be free of ulterior motive.  A solid foundation, in a nurturing environment, allows for growth.

Have I abandoned my own values to have this person in my life?

Values can be defined as what is important in ones life.  If we abandon what is important in our lives, we abandon the very fiber that makes us who we are.  Sometimes we start very early to look past certain red flags like smoking, or drinking, or a temper in order to be patient and compassionate but it is important to understand and have boundaries as well as “deal breakers.” Just as well as other factors such as valuing sexual connection, health, and time as high priorities and coupling with others who value the same.

Do I trust them?

The ability to trust someone involves several fundamental components:  reliability, honesty, integrity, and security.  Those in whom we invest should possess such characteristics.  Without these, and without trust, a foundation cannot be built and therefore, a relationship cannot be sustained.  One should never invest in a faulty foundation. On the other hand, in order to trust another we first must trust ourselves.

Am I significant to this person?

The heart of significant human relationships can be found in the ability to influence each other.  When we influence one another, we are shown that our existence has meaning and what we think and believe is important.  The relationships in which we invest should make us feel that we are worthy of attention.  You deserve to feel like a priority!

Is this relationship is one sided?

In order to feel happy in a relationship, one must feel like his or her needs are being met.  Often, when a relationship is one sided, we are left feeling dissatisfied because one or more of our needs have been ignored.  Investment in a relationship involves mutual communication, vulnerability, and commitment.  It is a vital necessity to mutually value and appreciate in a loving relationship.

In love and relational wellness,

Corynn Koos Ma, LPC, NCC

Therapist and Relationship Counselor at The Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh

The Valentine’s Day Love Manual For Singles, Married, and Those Who Never Want to Date Anyone Ever.

The Valentine’s Day Love Manual For Singles, Married, and Those Who Never Want to Date Anyone Ever

We develop patience because we come to understand demandingness, we best learn to love by having our hearts broken, when our dignity is usurped, and our sanity called into question, sometimes this is the starting point for some wondrous growth and opportunity. We develop spirit by first living soullessly, we begin the path toward discipline because we know the deleterious dangers of living in the aimless direction of ego and ID driven revelry.  For the month of February, many of us are more focused on love and relationships with Valentine’s Day upon us. As therapists, as women, humans, lovers and people who know just a little bit about the psychology of relationships, we offer this, The Valentine’s Day Love Manual for Singles, Married, Dating, and Those Who Never Want to Date Anyone Ever. Lets make love to the world with our song, our breath, our actions, and the beautiful ripples of our actions come to life.

1-“The First Rule of The Love Manual” For The Singles, The Free Birds Fluttering Brightly.

Love Your Self!

If we are going to ever get anything done in this world we must first love ourselves. If we don’t come from a place of self-acceptance, self-love, self-compassion, we will never be able to move beyond animal nature, we will never have any real relationship with anyone, anything, or any project.  So if you’re single and loving it, rather work on perfecting your down dog or grooming your cats mane, that’s ok, just as long as it comes from a place of mindful self-love, we think that’s swell! You see as we humans evolve, we no longer pay as much attention to where we are going but instead it is how are we getting there, what is the motivation for action? Sound lofty? It is and that’s exactly what we are going for, something a little more! We can fall in a million different directions if we don’t practice mindfulness vigilantly, we may fall backwards into lesser motivation. Motivation, if not coming from love, is then derived from ego, ego quests for power, attention, praise, control, and per The Sage and All of the Worlds Ancient Ones, the ego culminates inferior instincts.

2- “The Second Rule of the Love Manual”, To Be Used If you want to attract great love into your life;   

Love Your Self!

Like attracts like or like attracts the opposite, most importantly those who we share attraction with are those who vibrate on the same frequency as our root identity or self-concept. If we are vibrating in our lower elements, or energy centers of the physical realm, we will fall into relationships that are purely on the physical realm, which can be really great if that’s what two people are wanting together. Perhaps we have entered the emotional stage of development, then we will invariably only commit to relationships which mirror that. Perhaps we are vibrating from ego, and we quest for idolatry or fame, we may look only for those who embody false values such as vanity or fame. If we value power then we connect on that plane, if we truly love ourselves, as we develop spirit, then we will only connect with those who have peaked the crescendo toward those levels of being; spirit, morality, goodness, compassion, authenticity, and respect. When we love ourselves, we only acquiesce with those who mirror to us genuine affection.

The Third Rule of The Love Manual, For Those who are in a relationship long or short term, to keep the Love Strong,

Yes, you guessed it!

Love Your Self!

How does loving yourself keep things in balance for long-term relationships? Well unless we are discussing an extreme form of narcissism, chances are we think of your partners needs and do it often. For some, it is hard or guilt inducing to incorporate some self-indulgence into life rituals. How do we make time for a jog in the park when our wife is finishing with work and will be disappointed if we aren’t at home early? Before we know it, we haven’t constructed a relationship, we have constructed a cage! We choose and choose again, others needs and requests far beyond our own and resultant we consciously and unconsciously become overwhelmed, withdrawn, frustrated, passive aggressive, withholding, and depressed. This is not helpful for our love, and furthermore when we don’t love with boundaries, healthy limits, and in loving acknowledgment of our own needs we are not participating in a relationship or marriage, this is bondage and emotional servitude.  So go ahead, choose yourself, love yourself and value yourself and watch your relationships flower beautifully!

In love, kindness, warmth, and respect,

The Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh Therapy Team

Wellness Hacks; 17 for 2017

Wellness Hacks; 17 for 2017

Our Therapists Have Compiled 17 Wellness Hacks for your Holistic Optimization. We fancy this list diverse and have included something for individuals, couples, and lovers, we think that this list is so good that it may even have the wellness power to turn a hater to a lover or at least a frown to a smile! Why 17 you may ask? Well, because its year 2017 silly and we want to stick with the theme on this one!  If you are much like the rest of the world, you may be wondering how you will fulfill your weight loss goals, how to improve your BMI and drop those pounds on the scale.  Well in that case, this is not the article for you but you should continue to read anyway because our professional counselors and wellness gurus are offering you our best wellness hacks for your physical, emotional, spiritual and relational health, this stuff goes so much deeper than the numbers on a scale, when it comes to wellness, we have you covered! If you’re ever in a pinch, like on Wheel of Fortune or something, just remember this, “You can’t spell wellness without “WE”!”

Smiling when in a bad mood is scientifically proven to alter the mood- Yes that’s right, fake it till you make it has a purpose in psychology, smiling alone can be enough to lift your bad morning grumble back into your best internally smiling face and have your ready to sing a happy tune. Learn more here.  https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/smile-it-could-make-you-happier/

Curate a Healthy SEXXX Life- Do it and do it well, meaning feel good about it, find your orgasm, let go of the mindset that sex is chore or will put you on the naughty list. Healthy, safe, mindful, consensual sex is a stress reliever, a mood enhancer, it has predictive power into the longevity of bonds when its studied within the context of long term relationships. Don’t miss a beat, cuddle up to your partner and enjoy those sheets!

Your ego is not your amigo- Ego crusaders, the Buddhists, they know a thing or two about the ego, we don’t want to get all philosophical on you, or um maybe we do?! Ok, you caught us but how can we help but to share our enthusiasm, some magical things start to happen when we shift away from ego consciousness. According to the Yogis and Buddhists, when we let go of ego attachment and “I” we just may end up basking in the golden light of nirvana, ascending enlightenment and finding oneness with the universe, who could argue with that?!

Coconut Oil- Buy it, use it, eat it, rub it, mix it in smoothies, as an eco-friendly non-toxic furniture polish, as a conditioner, as an oil treatment, as an antimicrobial agent, as a source of fat that insulates the fibers which sustain neurofunction!!!!! Holy wow! Coconut oil is all that and some, follow this link for 107 of our favorite coconut oil uses here. http://everydayroots.com/coconut-oil-uses

Brush and Floss With Baking Soda and Peroxide- There is a reason that many of our leading tooth pastes and products use baking soda and peroxide, it’s because they work brilliantly. Give it a try!

Deep breathing meditation- Meditation and deep breathing can calm, energize, fuel the body, stop addiction, we can go on and on and on and we plan to!

Chew Slowly- One of the reasons smoothies and juices have such excellent nutritional power is because they are easy to digest once macerated. Chewing slowly helps our body produce chemicals necessary to digest and nourish. It’s no coincidence that we are hosting a mind body workshop and offering a chewing meditation in January, it’s because these things work! https://counselingwellnesspgh.com/wellness-classes-and-workshops/

Boundaries- This is key in all relationships, at other times such as in flings, marriages, or partnerships with psychopathic, narcissistic, antisocial, and borderline types clinging tight to boundaries is imperative. Step one-Create emotional, physical, and interpersonal boundaries which are minimum standard levels for treatment. Step two- if those boundaries are violated accept your hurt and anger as healthy and rational. Step 3- Assess for how to respond. Has this person overstepped boundaries before? Is it likely to happen again? Is it a threat to physical safety or emotional health? Looking at these questions will guide you to make constructive decisions moving forward.

Sleep Hygiene- Our therapists love sleep hygiene and creating wellness routines which examine how we sleep. Our nighttime rituals and how those bedtime pastimes are effecting restfulness is a great way to get those repairative, restorative, and vital Zzzzz’s on track, who could forget that sleep is one of the most fundamental building blocks for emotional and physical health.

Exercise, we can’t say enough about it for emotional wellness and longevity- Per the American heart association, as little as 30 minutes 4x a week has some benefits. We know that most Americans are missing the mark when it comes to physical activity. Yet here it is as an effective tool to boost mood, reduce anxiety, promote calm, enhance body image, yes, it is that good! Get moving whether it’s down dog or a quick jog, and for good measure, talk to your doctor to be sure exercise isn’t contraindicated for you!

Communicate and do it well- Study the language that you use to frame your thinking and your speech, it has much to do with the outcomes you experience and the way people interact with you. Whether in our family, romantic or work relationships, we should use direct, meaningful, purpose driven communication and then sit back and enjoy the results that you can create.

Listen and do it well- As an addendum to ^^^^^ it’s not only speaking that we must master but a large part of speaking is listening, as therapists, listening is our super power but this is a practice which helps all conversation. When we are at our best it’s a 50/50 deal, knowing what we need to say often begins with listening to others, and if we are being real, listening and really hearing is sometimes hard as heck because its often easy to hear what we want to hear instead of what is being said.

Dream Journal- Study those dreams, record them, start to notice the unconscious patterns and communications, it can be a huge opportunity for life transformation. Typically, the help of a psychotherapist who offers dream interpretation is necessary for this. It is often very hard to understand the meaning of our dreams but working with someone who speaks dream language and metaphor will help you to muddle through your unconscious code with ease! Let the synchronicity unfold!

Try a laughing meditation- Think that meditation is just for the strong, stoic serious types? Well think again, there are lots of forms of meditation and this one is one of our favorites. What could be more contagious than laughter? We cant think of much and this is a contagion we would like to catch!  

Volunteer- We know, you barely have time to wash your socks and you’re reading these wellness hacks to get better with yourself so why are we getting all humanitarian on you? Take a cleansing breath wellness warrior. Volunteering is great for everyone and if you have never tried it, you might find that most of us are socially wired to feel good about helping. Social Exchange Theory says so if you don’t believe us! This is a two for the price of one deal!

Take time for yourself every week, make it a priority- Alright, now back to you! This one we insist upon, its necessary, its vital, its “ME TIME.” Sadly, the people who need it the most likely don’t take it much but if we are filling up the emotional cups of those who are around us we really need to serve ourselves first. Before you count yourself as selfish, it’s not just for us, it’s for our friends, spouse, and ability to achieve too…

Love and trust yourself first– This self-loving thing is our final point, this is us saving the best for a last. Be watchful of anyone who threatens, mocks, or tries to diminish your love, trust in yourself, and your precious instincts. When we lead our lives with self-love, every action becomes more natural, our behavior more nourishing, this is the final step, with brimming half-full cups we salute, we connect, we tend ourselves, each other, and the planet here! All we really need is a little self-love, la, la, laaaoove!

Peace, love, and good health,

The Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh Therapy Team

830 Western Avenue Pittsburgh

Pa 15233

412-322-2129

Home

6 Tips for Harmonious Co-Parenting, Children of Divorce

Children need love from all of the people                                in their life.

 6 Tips for Harmonious Co-Parenting, Children of Divorce

As they say, parenting is the hardest thing one may ever have to do, this statement becomes two fold when parenting as a single parent. According to The American Psychological Association, being a child of divorce or raised by a single parent is also associated with many risks to long term emotional health, and even poorer academic performance, poor view of marriage and relationships. We offer the following guidelines for parenting situations where both parents are non-abusive, an entirely separate list of guides should exist for situations where there has been a history of any form of abuse.

Lovingly Encourage The Time Your Child Spends with The Other Parent

When we as parents aren’t actively encouraging our child to love and interact with both parents then we are injuring the child and his or her relationship with the other parent. What does it mean to lovingly encourage? It means that if your child comes home from a weekend or evening with his or her other parent that you treat she or he with positive regard. Do a check in, and ask with enthusiasm what were the highlights, follow this up with an encouraging statement. This is not doing investigative work and trying to learn details about the other parent. Or on the other end, some parents may be non-communicative with the child after he or she returns from time with the other parent. Children can be subtle creatures, when we fail as parents to embrace with positivity the relationship our child has with others they will likely end up feeling guilty about their relationship with mom or dad. This lays the ground work for Parental Alienation which damages not only the other parent but most importantly the child.

Never discuss custody details or visitation arrangements within ear shot of the children

Even if you and the co-parent have an iron clad custody arrangement there may be times when the need for alterations may come up, it is imperative that these discussions happen away from the children as these are adult discussions. When a child hears mom or dad crying that the other parent wants to have them over Christmas they will most likely feel a sense of guilt. Children hear and see much more than we imagine and it is injurious when they see and hear their primary custodial parent crying or complaining about time with the other parent. This means that they will feel guilty or uncertain about time spent with that parent who is outside of the home and this too carves the pathway to a lifetime of guilt and shame, this too is also often a contributing factor in both long term emotional damage for the child as well as parental alienation.

Genuinely assume your child’s co-parent has good intentions and is an asset to your child’s life.

This is hard, all of these are hard! There are likely huge differences between you and your child’s other parent, some of them leading to the reasons your own romantic relationships failed, It’s important to keep in mind that your child is a product of both of you. To assume good intentions means that if your child comes home crying and complaining about reading time that mom or dad made them do that you don’t sigh and complain to the child about “no good mom or dad.” Instead even though you may encourage other activities to your child that you sooth the child and support those parenting efforts by the other parent, recognizing that your co-parent may have some talents and interests to offer to the child that are separate from yours.

Do some honest appraisal of what may or may not benefit the child and separate that from what you want.

This means that the vacation that mom or dad wants to take the child on which falls on your visitation may be something positive for the child, while we may not want to give up that day or weekend with the child we must do an honest assessment of what is in the child’s best interest in each situation. This may mean exposure to family time, activities, interests and places that are unfamiliar to us and at times inconvenient yet we do this in the name of the child’s health and wellbeing.

Gifts and the part-time parent

The sad truth is that many of the emotionally injurious acts that happen in co-parenting situations happen veiled in the guise of love. More often than not, both parents love the child and want to spend time with he or she and fear the time spent away from the home with the other parent. It may be natural to envy your co-parent’s gifts and spending power but reducing time or putting unreasonable limits on each other’s capacity to relate to your child in a way that nurtures and enhances them must be the primary goal. Also, it is easy to feel that the non-custodial parent comes in and gets to enjoy the fun times of long weekends and adventures with the children while the challenges of the day to day living are left in the home, this is a space where it is helpful to separate your feelings from what is good for the child.

Do your emotional homework!

Divorce and separation leave a long line of emotional reactions from hurts, sadness, anger, abandonment, confusion. These feelings must be worked through and resolved to the best of your capacity, they will not vanish on their own. The single most important piece of advice that can be offered is to deal with the emotional aftermath in a way that supports your ability to truly offer supportive parenting to your child’s experiences with the other parent, whether this is by seeking counseling or therapy or some other means, do your emotional homework

.

Sharing love and time with children after a divorce or separation can be a huge challenge for parents, it is particularly dire that this be navigated in a sensitive way that mutually supports and respects the love and parental rights of both parents. When parents fail to create an atmosphere of parental collaboration it can have long lasting effects on the child’s mental and emotional health as well as concept of relationships later on in life. By following the suggestions above, we make it more likely that these effects can be lessened and we become an example of a successful divorce and co-parenting family.

Reference: http://www.apa.org/about/gr/issues/cyf/divorce.aspx

Pop, Rock, Loving Boundlessly, “Latching onto Love”

Pop, Rock, Loving Boundlessly, “Latching onto Love”

Love’s Song

These thoughts are inspired by recently listening to the popular song titled, “Latch,” a song that many of you might be familiar with, read closely, the lyrics go as follows;

You lift my heart up when the rest of me is down
You, you enchant me even when you’re not around
If there are boundaries, I will try to knock them down
I’m latching on, babe, now I know what I have found
I feel we’re close enough
Could I lock in your love?
I feel we’re close enough
Could I lock in your love?
Now I’ve got you in my space
I won’t let go of you
Got you shackled in my embrace
I’m latching on to you
I’m so en-captured, got me wrapped up in your touch
Feel so enamored, hold me tight within your clutch
How do you do it? You got me losing every breath
What did you give me to make my heart bleed out my chest?
I feel we’re close enough
Could I lock in your love?
I feel we’re close enough
Could I lock in your love?
Now I’ve got you in my space
I won’t let go of you
Got you shackled in my embrace
I’m latching on to you

These lyrics, belted out by Sam Smith, epitomize the romantic notion of man meets woman, and with an erotic dominant force, he jettisons the avoidance of demure lady. There is something so unsettling in this cultural and relational paradigm . When we “shackle” someone into our embrace, when we “latch” onto them, thereby withholding opportunity for dissent, do we not then trespass the very important right to choose to say “no.” To continue, the line, “if there are boundaries I will try to knock them down,” knocking down boundaries is frightening from a therapeutic standpoint, personal space, freedom, and emotional health dictate the vitality of healthy boundaries. As psychotherapists when working with couples and individuals, we advocate for our client’s maintenance of healthy, well-defended, interpersonal boundaries. When our auditory perception is attuned to themes of interpersonal violence, abuse, the lyrics unveil even further description of the unhealthy tendency to blame or project the origin of our feelings onto others, in example, “what did you do to make my heart bleed from my chest?” Blaming and projection ignore an important component of the pain that some carry with them, often the pain we blame on others is our very own, a person bleeds because he or she is carrying a wound, a life-long wound that has little to do with the current object’ d’ amore.  Yet this unhealthy mentality declared in the lyrics are the crux of interpersonal violence, stalking, and even rape, “shackling,” “clutching,” these volition’s of the very necessary ability to say “no thank you.” These lyrics summon thoughts of how many crimes are committed in the act of obsessional “love” which by its very acts is no such a love at all.

We know more than a few things about real, mature, healthy love and care. The difference between obsessional love which has “got you in my space and won’t let go of you, got you shackled in my embrace, I am latching on to you,” and real deal love, is freedom, respect for self and other, essential components of the very nature of love, love isn’t about our needs, our desires, love is about giving care to the other person. Love listens, love checks in, wondering, is this safe for my partner? Does she or he feel comfortable, connected, unburdened by my words, and closeness. Love respects the spaces in the song of loving connection, love doesn’t hold too tightly, and love encourages unlocking from an embrace as a self -assumed, legal, and personal right. Love does indeed let go, sometimes encouraging distance is a great act of self-control and respect which are qualifiers to any real love.  In mature love, we allow and encourage the free motion of our connection to loves pulse knowing that connection is only achieved in the mindfully intermingled precipice of two thrumming beings who can very well chose to depart from the latch of the sweet embrace. So before we go humming the next hot love ballad, perhaps we may pause to wonder if these song lyrics respect personal choice, rights for freedom, love implies personal space to say “no” and when love hears no, love listens and respects unequivocally.

️

Peace and love respectfully,

The Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh

Contributed by Stephanie McCracken MSPC

830 Western Avenue Pittsburgh Pa 15233