Passion and Play, Connecting With Energy and Creativity
Uncover passion and creativity
Tick, tock, tick, tock, allowing the sands of time to unfold into minutes, hours, days, years, reaching way back to the earliest memories that can be recollected; let us imagine that you are 5 years old again and enjoying those endless hours of playtime. When thinking of the word “playtime” what comes to mind for you? What is it that you enjoyed doing with that pure and unadulterated childlike bliss? Maybe you liked to bake or paint, collect insects, be a teacher in your classroom of dolls? Way before we knew whether we were good at something, or whether our talents and interests could make us money or gain us praise, social standing; way back then we followed our passion by the elegantly simple act of tinkering, entertaining, creating, learning with sheer delight. It is no wonder that as adults we long for those times when for most of us, things we just that simple, following ones bliss. As children most of us were free to simply enjoy what felt right and not take the time to consider what we were good at, what would pay the bills, what image we would like to portray as our life’s work, the time of innocence before road blocks and hurtles.
We explore these questions not to simply evoke the sensation of nostalgia but because our creative pleasures indicate something about our innate gifts and capacities. Each of us is born with purpose and potential and the more greatly we create a life which is aligned with the sharing of our pleasures and talents the more at peace we tend to be. Even if we have chosen a career simply for the financial opportunities we have gained we should still make time to regularly connect with that which we can become submerged in, the kind of creative play which takes our eyes off of the clocks and into our minds eye. What is that for you? For me, as young as 5 years old, I enjoyed writing, creating heaping piles of poems. What about you? Did you like to play the keyboard? Did you love to paint upon the easel? Did you enjoy playing in the kitchen and kneading dough? Did you construct toy trucks and cars? What was your passion or pleasure as a child? As adults some of us note with an air of melancholy, I have no energy, I am exhausted, I am not sure what the meaning of my life has become. If you struggle with these questions much like many others, maybe it would help to consider when did you take the time to connect with the inexhaustible wellspring of energy which is found through our passion. When we paint, draw, throw the ball around, we are not depleting our energy, we are in fact connecting with the part of our self which is bounteously full of enthusiasm and childlike joy.
It’s a wonder that any of us would ever stop doing that which has the potential to bring us such enjoyment. Often as teens and adults we begin to deviate from this kind of playfulness in search of being mindful of our time and not wasting it on that which is not useful. Some were shamed for their gifts, told by teachers of parents, “you don’t want to be ______, be educated in this, leave this behind now.” Often we are very sensitive about our talents, the most passionate are acutely in tune with the emotional world of ourselves and others. So we put away our paintbrush or drumstick and pick up our time card, marching on to the time piece of humanity. The most joyful people are often those who find a way to merge their passion into their life’s work, “The master of the art of living makes no difference between work and play, for him they are both the same.” The artists may serve as our teachers, to be like those, those who embrace an inner calling or take up hobbies in that which proffers them abundant connection with that creative part to themselves.
In tribal cultures, when a sad or anxious man or woman comes to the Shaman, the shaman will ask, “tell me my friend, so you are sick?” the tearful woman looks to the ground as she explains, “yes, yes, I am sick, I am so sad and I so often worry, I have no energy for life.” 
The shaman, he brightens, “Oh, no worries, this is a problem that I understand! Tell me this my friend, when did you stop singing, when did you stop dancing? When did you stop laughing with life?”
In closing my friend, I ask of you to consider this question, if you were allowing yourself the opportunity to play, no judgement, no criticism, just melting into the opportunity to enjoy that which is amusing, that which is creative and unharnessed, that which brought you hours of entertainment as a young child, what is it that you would be doing?
In love and playfulness,
Stephanie McCracken MSPC
Nicole Monteleone MA, LPC, NCC
The Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh
412-322-2129
Learn MoreThe Fish and The Bird, A Psychotherapists thoughts on Compliments
The Fish and The Bird, A thoughts on Compliments
Smile from the inside
To those birds flying high, swooping down to proffer complements to external beauty, words like “she’s so pretty”, to the “did you see the way she looks with no makeup on”, to the world of no filter selfies, oh my goodness that girl looks like a hobbit, and look at the photo shop on Justin- he’s really so spindly. Did you see how much weight Kim has gained after her baby? To the land of tinder where we read little and swipe left, swipe right back and forth in an endless procession of objects for our egos and libido. How truly healthy are our minds eyes in whirl of impulsively uttered, “she’s so pretty and you’re so gorgeous” Maybe we are not too late to climb aboard the ship we are missing. It’s not about the way we look so much as the way that we feel. Mature love and even primal lust take much more than a craftily stated tagline and a first date where we are picked up in a shiny new Italian automobile by a man with bulging neck circumference, the male form of silicone breasts.
In a recent conversation with a good friend she mentioned her frustration that her ex-boyfriend would tell her that “she was the most beautiful woman in the world”, she would always feel diminished by this trite and billowy compliment and a few times she would muster the strength to look at him and state “but no, I am not.” Before anyone offers a preliminary diagnosis, she is not a woman with low self-esteem, my friend indeed is a prideful creature but hadn’t ever aspired to compete in the beauty pageant circuit. Yet, every time she would protest the compliment he would change the subject, invariably “you’re the most beautiful woman in the world” was the bloke’s idea of a high compliment. Perhaps some woman or men would swoon over those words, (see definition of bird) however this lady felt injustice upon that remark, this friend is a very lovely woman but she would wonder; “if the best in me is on the outside then what will I be when my skin sags and my locks have faded to silver?” In mindful dating and loving we can call upon the number one rule of persuasion is “know your audience.” It is important to know who it is that you’re talking to when lavishing charming praise upon a lady or gent. The world which compliments a woman or man’s façade without mentioning their inner world is a place where people become invisible or worthless as the years pass by. My friend’s relationship with her well-meaning boyfriend ended many years ago, perhaps in many ways because he never was able to know her inside, she was more mindful of the inner world and he dwelled above, he the bird and she the fish if you will.
If you really have your gaze locked on a lovely man or women and you have struck up conversation and now want to put the lady or gent under loves spell then pay close attention, not to how much his or her teeth sparkle when they smile, instead pay attention to the “what”. Disclaimer*** this may not work for everyone, notice fish and bird above if when dealing with woman who is more fish or mermaid and you use bird praise it may be less effective. On a more serious note our most valuable attributes are those things which vanquish mortality and link us to the wellspring of the eternal. Notice in her the conviction in her tone when she speaks. Observe in your beloved the way that they can put others at ease. Cast attention to his or her work ethic, keeping late hours and waking up in the early hours to start it all over again. Tell her that the attention and skill she puts into maintaining her health are inspirational. You see she just may be more flattered by these compliments, as they speak to something timeless, to values like strength, intention and honor, the things that will hold his or her posture erect even as geriatric skin sages into the most lovely gray pallor. When we feel understood and valued for the core components of our character then we feel connected, for many of us this notion of understanding facilitates the foundation of intimacy and attraction, yet it is not for the faint of heart or those who aren’t willing to put forth the bountiful effort required to nurture love.
In love and kindness,
Stephanie McCracken MSPC
Nicole Monteleone MA, LPC, NCC
Reviving Minds Therapy
1010 Western Avenue Pittsburgh Pa 15233
412-322-2129
Learn MoreHow To Get Everything You Ever Wanted In One Easy Step, Well Almost.
The Secret to Happiness
Are you one of those people who when asked what is wrong you cross your arms over your chest and say “Nothing.” Ever notice that some people just seem to hold the power of persuasion? Maybe your husband or wife is that very person. Do you ever feel that you give so much of yourself yet often end up feeling exhausted, overworked and burdened by too many tasks? Ever notice how some people seem to have it all, others seem to listen or at least hear them? Yes for some the world effortlessly and gladly brings about their wishes. Well perhaps they hold some spiritual secret, hiding away a genie in a bottle or the like but the truth is, many people who get what they want hold certain similarities. As a counselor I note one very vital difference, these people hone in on their own wants and needs and then communicate their needs and expectations using power driven language and thinking. This is not the first article that I have written about the power of communication and I urge, if you feel that others often don’t hear you or the world most often doesn’t bring you forth the wishes and things that you want it may be time to begin to consider a different method.
It is easy to fall into a pattern of frustration and even resentment when we notice that we don’t often get our needs met in our relationships. We may feel uncared for and unimportant, yet for these very reasons we continue to hold our feelings in silence thinking they less important that our partners, our children’s, our parents, everyone’s needs but our own. Perhaps we have subtle dropped the hint that we would like to go to a certain show or restaurant and our partner obliviously keeps picking the same place for monthly date night. Or maybe those grumbling noises that we make while carrying the third load of laundry up the stairs fail to elicit even the smallest response. Our husband or wife may be just as mystified by noticing that we are grumbling or sitting silently not eating during date night. These scenarios are quite common but perhaps it’s time to try a new more direct approach.
It is often helpful to begin by writing a fantasy list. It’s not something that needs to be shared with anyone so don’t be shy, what is it that you absolutely would like to see in your life? If you were able to have your way every day what would your ideal day look like? What are some things that you imagine your husband or wife could help you with? Also add in some things that you really are grateful for and that are going well. What are some things that you have kept to yourself for a long time that you imagine your partner would be surprised to learn? Remember it’s not good for either your loved one or you to hold in truths about thoughts and feelings. After writing your list spend some time looking over it, maybe put it away for a couple of days and then bring it back out to reread it. Does it still make sense and appear relevant? Things like “On the days that I work late I would rather we order take out.” Or “I really don’t want to go to my mother in laws every weekend.” “I would like to get two days per month to attend a fitness workshop.” While this sounds like a very simple or obvious task to some, the very process of considering ones wants and needs is completely out of touch for some personality types, we put ourselves lasts in hopes that someone else may put us first yet this is not a path which often leads to wholeness or happiness, instead of content we often end up feeling used, disappointed, sad and frustrated.
In health and wholeness,
Reviving Minds Therapy
Stephanie McCracken MSPC
Nicole Monteleone MA, LPC, NCC
Learn MoreTurkey, Thanks & Boosting Holiday Joy
Holiday Togetherness and stress busting!
The holidays symbolize time to be close to those who we hold near and dear, the sentimental stuff of greeting cards, television series, and memories to be made. In later years we may recall the time that the snow fell 8 inches on Thanksgiving Day and Aunt Margaret perfected her best version yet of caramel apple pie, while baby Charlie was just learning to crawl. The Griswold style celebrations, the kind in which we run to each other with open arms to gleefully share in discussion of all of the incredible things that we have been doing with our ultra-successful lives. Stop, cut! Perhaps you are like many of us who struggle during the holidays, maybe it’s been a tough year or a tough life and thinking of the holidays fills you with dread. Just maybe there can still be some way to encounter some of the most common impasses in a compassionate and constructive way.
Holiday traditions like Charlie Brown are iconic!
Often that relationship concern, family rift, lost job, death, or defeat has a way of haunting the landscapes of that which would otherwise be a charming holiday season. This ominous considerations often lead to a preoccupation with stress during the holidays, we balefully note the slipping away of our glittering joys topped with an extra serving of sadness for not being as happy as we expect that we “should” be. For instance, since the lay off at the office, you have not been feeling quite yourself and grief keeps you from even telling your perfectionist mom about the loss. Yet with thanksgiving it will now become impossible to avoid the situation and anxiety is heightening with each approaching day. Perhaps it is time to allow the people that care about you to be a support? It is often helpful to remember that we imagine others to be in ways that may be less of a reflection of them and more a reflection of us, mom may not become angry or critical when hearing our woes, look carefully at those parts of yourself which cause anxiety at the thought of revealing humanness and vulnerability.
A Thanksgiving Feast shared with those we love offers so much to be thankful for!
Maybe you have a very small family, no family, a family that lives across the country and not enough of a work break or airfare to get there. For you, the holidays end up being a time of aloneness, in fact when your coworkers ask what you are doing for the holidays you always make up a story about being with Great Aunty Mildred, the shame in admitting the truth is most easily shrouded in deception. Instead you will be sitting inside watching ancient reruns of the Brady Bunch submerged in a dialogue of your general unworthiness towards companionship. Perhaps this could be approached differently, honest discourse demands courage from ourselves but it often opens doors, maybe even doors to holiday gatherings. Remember, although you may feel that you’re the only one alone on the holiday, you’re not, there are others who are in the same position. Maybe by summoning your inner Gandhi and “being the change you want to see in the world” and host your own “Friends-giving.” This is becoming a popular way to celebrate with others, particularly if done in the evening or the day after the holiday. If neither of those options sounds like a fit then accept the challenge of donating your time for the day towards helping a charity or creating something that you can donate with the idea in mind, “how can I help someone today?”
If your concerns aren’t about bringing together people but being surrounded with people who you have been seeking to avoid then read on. For instance, entering into grandma’s house, many hugs and hellos exchanged, the scent of crisp turkey skin intermingled with sage wafting through your nostrils as you see the infamous Aunt Carol approach. Your stomach lurches as you start to feel the anxiety coming on, she is that one family member who always criticizes everything that you do. In previous years “why aren’t you married, you will end up old and alone” “when will you have children, the clock doesn’t tick forever you know!” “why haven’t you been promoted yet?” and on and on, you end up leaving feeling simply terrible about yourself and no matter what you try to say in your meek defense she just doesn’t take the hint. Many of us know the type of meddling in which the inquisitor seems to be blissfully unaware of the sensitive nature of the questions which he or she is asking. With this sort of encounter sometimes it can elicit some compassion to remember that this person is reflecting to you their own inner dialogue and her misguided ability to connect with others in a welcomed and comfortable way. There may even be a bit of pity to think that this is how Aunt Carol has probably talked to herself all of her life and maybe some of the reason that she is here all alone. While it is hurtful to hear her litany of unwelcomed suggestions she may be trying to warn you of markers that she missed in her own life as often advice has more to do with the givers perceptions than the receivers needs.
Yet still a tiny thought for the all doing and typically matriarchal figure who may have wielded cutlery and cooktop for days to prepare this thanksgiving feast, with matching napkins and table centerpiece she has created a vision that would make Martha Stewarts jaw drop. Yet the cooking and the cleaning take so much attention that she ends up missing the togetherness of the day. For this sort of host or hostess, remember that everything doesn’t need to perfect and also to keep the gathering well within your financial means. It is easy to go overboard with tons of eats and treats and obsessing about the perfectly rendered pumpkin pie but the point isn’t to create to the point of stress and exhaustion but to enjoy each other in good times together. Step away from the turkey and have a seat, even if only for a bit, allow others to help as they will surely be excited about the opportunity to contribute to this day of thanks.
No matter where you are or what you’re doing our wish for you is to encounter something or someone which allows gratitude to unfold into you on this Thanksgiving and Holiday Season. Often we become confused by our seemingly unique life circumstance and would be best served to recognize that in experiencing our life situations we aren’t really as unusual as we imagine. With the hope that you too will enjoy this holiday season, gobble-gobble!
With an extra serving of love & mounded with hope,
The Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh
Learn more from our friends at
Learn more from our friends; https://inlpcenter.org/-psychological-attachments
412-322-2129
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Share Your Love, Revive Your Love, Photo Contest with Prizes!
#Reviveyourlove
Of all of the things that we share on social media and otherwise, our successes, “I am so relieved! I finally graduated!” Our location “Strike, checking in at Hollywood lanes bowling alley come on down!” How inspiring to be virtually plugged, the possibility for connection in ways which can be meaningful and significant. The opportunity to influence, to brighten, reviving optimism and care. Of all of these things, there is one that I know to be true, a mystical mechanism which influences both the receivers and givers unequivocally. Sharing Love. As a psychotherapist working with individuals or married/dating couples, it is visible that how we share our love is often the deeper question veiled under anxiety, depression, communication trouble “I want to be better at giving and receiving love.”
Love is a mysterious and compelling source of both eternal vitality and confusion, in many ways it is humanities greatest quest since our earliest days of arboreal ascent in the vast tree limbs. The feeling of connection elicited when we share a bit of love with a long-time friend, our mother, or our lover. Love is for many a “raison de etre” and a stalwartly reason at that. Even when we are not in the midst of experiencing one of those loving moments we may be listening to, or writing a song, or perhaps creating a painting or other miraculous expression of our relationship to this divine sensation. There are so many places to see the manifestation of our hearts longing when we take the time to be present and perceive. Right there, do you see it? The elderly couple walking down the street gnarled and aching hands arthritically frozen into one pillar of hope. The mother poised with a sparkly eyed child on the park bench, it’s the man with a sole tear drop rolling from his cheek contemplating someone with aching heart. When we look to the world how much love can we see?
Reviving Minds Therapy would like to invite you to participate in our month long photo sharing campaign which we are calling “Revive Your Love.” We are asking participants to photograph and post an original photo which captures Love In Action to the “Revive Your Mind” Facebook or Twitter, use the hashtag “#reviveyourlove, we encourage contestants and our followers to vote by “liking” the photo that they feel most encapsulates their vision of love. All winners must have liked and followed the Revive Your Mind facebook or twitter page to be eligible for prizes. We ask that you post no more than one original photo per day, at the end of one month, the contestants photo with the most “likes” will receive 50$ Visa gift card, there will also be a 2nd place of 25$ Gift card and third place of 15$. Remember that everyone is a winner when we gaze into the world with that aim of seeing and sharing love. As always thank you for your readership and participation!
In warmth and love,
Stephanie McCracken MSPC & Nicole Monteleone MS LPC, NCC,
1010 Western Avenue Pittsburgh Pa 15233
Reviving Minds Therapy, Offering Individual Psychotherapy and Couples Therapy
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Tight Hugs I Like; A Psychotherapists Musings
Tight Hugs I Like; A Psychotherapists Musings
Tight hugs we like
It could be risky to admit this but here it goes anyway, I judge people, in social settings I categorize to such a grand degree, some may say I can hardly help myself. You see, I rank people based on how they hug. When it comes to hugs, they are certainly not all the same. For example, my grandmother, she was a woman who knew how to wallop out a good old-fashioned, full on, closed-arm, hug. Of course she was blessed with a constitution of advantages being a billowy woman who with her puffy arms was capable of ensconcing me in a way that warmly emitted rapture. When I am meeting, enjoying, and connecting, I always cherish most those folks who know how to put extra endurance on the squeeze, those are my people the kind, warm, close, hug-loving people.
Hugs are kind of like the word “love” in regards to the way we have come to dole them out socially. We hug upon meeting and greeting, at every social and familial function, it’s inextricably woven into the fabric of our social essence yet I wonder if the more that we do it, the less care we pause to exert that extra “umph” into its meaning and effort, somehow causing it to lose its magical luster. Like the carelessly tossed “love you” which punctuates the end of conversations over iPhones and peppered unto friendly discourses. The whole thing makes me melancholy, myself being a women known to exhibit a propensity for intensities of passion, I know that the altitudes of love are not unleashed when we lube up every good bye with “luv you.” My fiancé and I have a rule between us that we only say those words when we are superbly overcome with loves sentiments and can offer proper tone and intimations to its grander meaning and I think hugs should be the same.
We can enter a discussion into the mounting scientific evidence which identifies oxytocin and other alchemical neurochemicals and their vast proliferation upon the synapse during human contact, a full 20 second hug ranks best in stress relief, bonding, relationship healing, it’s sort of like a love serum. Yet I really only need to think about the mutually enveloping sensation provoked upon a tight, warm, and long hug and I already know- this is the sweet spot, this is indeed where the magic happens; tight hugs I like.
Air Kisses
Perhaps we best know the tight hug by its inverse, the dowdy anticlimax of the one-armed, limited contact encounter, this is the person who offers one limp and paltry arm to the embrace, their hand barely grazing the others back. Sort of like its phony cousin, the air-kiss, quite popular in Europe and Hollywood. These pseudo-signs of affectionate encounter make me wonder “Good gracious Darling!!! Why are we even bothering with a hug?!” Perhaps these people are better temperamentally suited for handshakes or high fives, which is simply fine but please don’t spoil the hug. Still there are others who fumblingly attempt the hug with a gapping distance between their bodies, as they lean in with their chest, their hand taps upon their would-be comrades back. I watch imagining that fluttering hand so close to a warm embrace yet the hand will not rest nor envelop their friend, they will not anchor them down, pulling friends nor acquaintances in, ever missing the full embrace. I sigh watching their leaning chests and tapping hands, saddened by what I imagine to be their trembling fear of connection.
Perhaps I am a romantic as somewhere in my heart of hearts I know that maybe some of us are destined to be less than adequate huggers, the ecstasy of a limb-locked, enduring hug is not something that one can enjoy with everyone. The dreamer in me is helpless to float upon imaginary visions of a world teeming with propensities towards deep, soul-strewn connection, flowery displays of oozing, syrupy, love. Where we hug it out in the market place with arms firmly enveloping the neck, with chests pressing chest, body rocked embraces like pillars of hope amidst the coffee shops and promenades. Can you imagine such a place, an earth where we envelop each other more freely and shamelessly, where hugs mean something and the tight vibration of muscles grid locked around each other thrumming into the hollows of our insides, where we move into the distances, stomping out those numbing chasms and we commence upon celebration of full bodies connections. Tight hugs I like.
Exuding robust love,
Stephanie McCracken MSPC
Offering Psychotherapy and Marriage Counseling
Reviving Minds Therapy
1010 Western Avenue Pittsburgh pa 15233
412-322-2129
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Learn MoreIntimacy; The Art of Distance- Musings from a Psychotherapist on Couples Counseling
in·ti·ma·cy
/ˈɪntəməsi/ Show Spelled [in-tuh-muh-see] noun, plural in·ti·ma·cies.
1. The state of being intimate.
2. A close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving relationship with another person or group.
3. A close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject.
4. An act or expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection, or the like: to allow the intimacy of using first names.
5. An amorously familiar act.
Those in staunchly well mind and body are often motivated for enjoyment, the want to enjoy good food, good love, and good sex. Most ideally we are able to enjoy closeness with our family and friends, mutual pleasures with ones that we love. Yet it very well may be possible that for all of our satisfied physical urges we may still be missing the ship on nurturing intimacy. You see, while intimacy may be fostered within the context of lovemaking it is most readily sustained within the mundane moments of other parts of the relationship. Intimacy is where all of this “relationship stuff” really melds into a complex interplay, intimacy is the nectar which offers fluidity to our love. The gazing into each other’s eyes, it’s the subtle touch of the arm while walking down the street, it’s the intermingled limbs awaking at dawn, the secrets that you know of each other.
Intimacy, The Art of Distance
What if I told you that the secret to sustaining intimacy is in how well your relationship tolerates distance? Intimacy may be well known by its opposite which for the intention of this cursory summary, is distance. We and our lover are always in the eternal dance of closeness and distance. We meet at home and spend our lives in different jobs or completing divergent tasks, we may share friends but we have our own as well, we converge and diverge. How close we become as years unfurl around our partner and our self. Yet too, how much can we allow and encourage some space between us before feeling that there is a chasm. Often in psychology we see a range of personality disorders which are challenged by forging emotional closeness and distance in interpersonal relationships. When we allow our partner the safe space to separate autonomously and then reemerge into the sanctity of our love we will often be thanked by abundant closeness.
Imagine this, you go to the grocery store and run into a college friend in the isles, you chat for a while about the pledges of your sorority and are feeling fabulous as you go home to your husband to enjoy a quiet evening together. Your husband is seated brooding when you enter the house, accusations begin to fly about why you are home a half an hour late. “What were you doing? How could you be so thoughtless to not text or call that you would not be on time? Were you with someone else?” Perhaps in years one through three you used to defend and explain but that leads to no solution, over time you shut down and swallow tears, sometimes wondering if you should be doing all of the things that you are accused of, it sure would beat the loneliness of your quiet sulking. Hours later, your husband, feeling guilty for his explosion, eager to close the chasm between you, reaches to touch you and begin making love when you crawl into bed. Now you are brooding and squirm away from his touch, he accuses yet again, “What is wrong with you? Why are you so cold to me?” In his mind he is now certain that you are cheating and you are certain that he is a Neanderthal. The couple exemplified here is suffering greatly the lack of trust and diminished communication among possible other hypothesis. I wonder how different this interaction would look if distance was encouraged between the two? It’s vital to remember that the moment that we step out of the habit of encouraging our partners autonomy and space we become something different and distance will inevitably begin to replace our longed for closeness.
Its most important to keep in mind that a relationship is made up of multiple components and the way that you and your partner are relating is an ever malleable matrix, influenced and influencing a multiplicity of domains from the physical, emotional, psychological, social, spiritual to name a few. With this in mind, hold fast to hope. The maintenance of a marriage or relationship occurs by a specific skillset which for some of us is natural while for others it may take a bit of work, like all aspects of our relational style we can always learn how to do better. If you are a part of a romantic relationship or if you are thinking back to other relationships, you may want to ask yourself, how well do you and your partner relish distance and what does that do to the intimacy between the two of you? A little intimate secret for you is that we can only allow to come close that which is existent within from its own context, from its very unique and nurturing distance.
In love and light,
Stephanie McCracken MSPC
Reviving Minds Therapy 1010 Western Avenue Pittsburgh Pa 15233 Suite 100
Offering Psychotherapy and Marriage Counseling
412-215-1986
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Loving a Consciousness Demanding Woman-Thoughts about Couples and Therapy
Stepping outside of yourself
Consciousness what? Scratching your head in preponderance of this striking terminology or perhaps you are yourself a woman considering the appropriateness of such a label for your very self? Has the world sometimes labeled you a tough cookie, or suggested that your exultant expectations are otherworldly? If you are a man who has known her you certainly will be ebullient or panic stricken, perhaps melodic blending of the two, this lady is neither for the faint of heart nor lackadaisical. For you dear reader, please allow me to continue describing this wildly dynamic and soul provoking feminine specimen.
Lovers
To begin, she is seldom satisfied by the superficial illustriously tempting facade, perhaps she appreciates exterior beauty but the consciousness demanding woman craves the deep thrumming of a soul submerging connection from her male counterpart. She’s the kind of woman who doesn’t spend much time watching hours of mind numbing popular television shows either alone or with her lover; she instead wants to share a conversation considering some theory, thought, maybe even a period of history. If you are still reading on, there is a part of you which is intrigued by the notion of giving and receiving more of yourself and other, the richness to access these seldom accessed parts of you, not because she will force you but instead because you are inspired.
Lovers in a rush
The opposite of the consciousness demanding woman is the maiden, the maiden is passive and demure and unaware of her feminine power so inside it remains, resting, placating, dormant. By contrast the consciousness demanding woman knows of her strengths as well as her weakness and in her effort to ever heighten her own vibratory and intellectual capacity she never courts the minimum as she understands that you receive what you give. If you are a lover contented to dance about life in the comforts of mediocrity then you are best to remain where you are. The consciousness demanding woman is hallmarked by passionate intensity and heightened awareness with which she loves you, as well as herself. Most importantly she maintains that love must be exhibited in action, not simply and auditory utterance. In ways both magnificent and meek she acts upon her love. You may notice a congruity in the consciousness demanding woman as she lives and loves in much the same manner, it is in the way which she respects and expects others to be.
Thinking Man, Illuminated
If you want to buy your way into enlightenment or seeking out indulgences then find a fellow capitalist and head to Wall Street because the consciousness demanding woman is beckoned by the possibility of enthrallment with your mental constitution and emotional climate. Her not so little secret is that she strives to intimate the essence of your being and not in a covert manner much like the maiden who may seek to understand you in order to please you, or trick you into seduction. A consciousness demanding woman will be forthright in her desires as she will want to take only that which her partner is inwardly compelled to give. As a fact she places much of her self-esteem and dignity upon her ability to share even difficult truths. The resultant is that she will often tell you things that you don’t want to hear but probably need to know. In the unceasing quest for absolute verity she makes a wonderful friend and so you will often find her among an ever expanding circle of mutually respectful comrades. So without and within so she is equally contentedly alone with a book or a thought. Just as well as her ability to move beyond discomfort to deliver truth she is sumptuous in her sharing of joy and gratitude. The maiden may hold back this lavish and overt praise for fear of overwhelming her lover with the magnitude of her feeling. The consciousness demanding woman will gaze directly into your eyes and crisply annunciate to you all of the things within your essence and the world that seduce her glee, beckon her respect, and drape her in comfort. She remains ceaseless in her journey of self-discovery and recognizes the subtle and grand metamorphosis of the very universe and elemental laws, accepting that convergent truth unites all and that we are each blossoming or dormant in a state of becoming yet she is quite comfortable in those unknowns. If you are in love with a consciousness demanding woman, you just may know but will never forget because the unfolding of the relationship will take you one step closer to you or something magnificent which proffers union to all…
In loving consideration,
Stephanie McCracken MSPC
Reviving Minds Therapy
Psychotherapist offering Marriage and Couples Therapy
1010 Western Avenue
Pittsburgh Pa 15233 Suite 100
412-215-1986
Learn MoreThe Sweet Song of the “Good Woman” Thoughts From a Marriage Counselor aka Couples Therapist
The Sweet Song of the “Good Woman” Thoughts From a Marriage Counselor aka Couples Therapist
For those of us who are a part of a long term relationship, partnership, or marriage, there are endless competing demands, changing circumstances, ever evolving human structures, that constant flux of exchanging our time, attention, affection for the expectation that our partner will to attenuate towards meeting our needs for attention, affection, sexual and emotional satisfaction, understanding etc. Often though, circumstances change and things like long work hours leading to exhaustion, or even the mounting heap of unresolved conflicts may create a pattern accidental neglect or even purposeful withholding within the relationship. In the majority of contexts this people pleasing, asking for little, passive communication structure, the needing to be needed, more often belongs to the feminine among us, yet there too are men who are indeed comprised of these trappings. The person who may remain in the shadow holding our silent or not so silent candlelight vigil buoyed by the hope that we will be seen, heard, understood by our significant other yet our very hopeful approach may be causing ourselves and our relationship to suffer.
The problem may come in to play when we remain silent, in the hopes that our spouse, children, parents or friends will pick up on our subtle cues that we are in need. All too often, this doesn’t happen and in turn we may retreat into brooding, passive aggressive communication including sarcasm and coldness, depression, loss of faith in the relationship, anger or a number of other maladaptive patterns. We can become so frozen in our non-direct approach to having our needs for power, choice, child rearing, financial distribution, household chores, pepperoni on the pizza, that we can no longer imagine what it would look like if we said “no thank you, I’m not in the mood for sex tonight” or “I could really use some help with getting the house ready for the 4th of July party.” Instead we may simply plod along, share our bodies with our partners when we don’t really want to so as to not disrupt any ego, we take on more chores than we have time to do because we don’t want to ask or even because we don’t think that we are worthy of help or that we should be able to do it all.
With all of the aforementioned examples there is an exorbitant cost, the psychological burden of betraying your kernel of authentic impulse. That tiny bud of truth which remains above and beyond the compulsion to fulfill duty of what you erroneously declare that you “should” do. For purposes of this consideration, you may want to contemplate upon that authentic impulse to not take on more than you logically and happily can, the healthy and whole part of you which states, enough is enough for today, the essential you which wants to draw boundaries and ask for your fair share of help! Just for today, maybe you will consider expounding upon the naysayer, and the demanding inner part of you. In recognizing that that part of you may be buried beneath layers of reasons, memories of relationships which may have encouraged or fostered you to build retaining walls, the enclosures which separate us from our true essence and the kind of soulful engagement which our highest self can compel, yet just for today and just perhaps you can channel that inner warrior and recognize that a whole voice doesn’t always sing the most pleasing of melodies.
In health and wholeness,
Stephanie McCracken MSPC
Offering Psychotherapy/and Marriage Counseling
Reviving Minds Therapy
1010 Western Avenue
Pittsburgh Pa 15233
412-215-1986
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Couples Therapy, Talking The Talk-Loving Communication
“To truly listen to another means that you are open to their ability to change you.” Anonymous
In working with married and long term couples, it is noticeable that those inevitable conflicts often spring from certain specific contexts and behaviors. While communication itself is a wellspring, influenced by depths of current which underlie its thrusting façade, the primary source of communicative energy is found in the depths of our psychology. It is under layers and layers of consciousness, those healthy and unhealthy parts of the self, formed in our earliest years and expounded upon as our life’s story unfolds. Yet with that being said, an exploration of communication itself is still a valid starting point to note the many ways in which attempts to convey our points, needs, and caring words may exhibit opportunities to be strengthened.
The most important point in understanding effective communication is that you allow the listener the opportunity to change you; anything else is in fact, not really listening. Imagine entering into a discourse in which you and your partner have been disagreeing about divergent political opinions, this is a longstanding issue of which both of you are well aware and your manner of relating to each other becomes almost pathologically scripted. Meaning that you are both mostly tuned out and non-receptive to the others viewpoints despite having much passion for the topic. It may have become beneficial for one or both of you to tune out and or shut down when it comes to certain sensitive topics as the mounting memory of failed communication attempts stings! Yet today is a new day and this is the point where the opportunity for strengthened communication can really offer gains. Now notice that you are not attuning to your partner and you cast aside your preconceived beliefs about yourself, your world views, parenting differences, and you instead and quite differently from your typical way of relating, you allow she or he to enter your thoughts and affect you.
One of the greatest gifts that we can offer another is our presence and attunement to their thoughts and feelings. Sometimes we don’t even want anyone to fix our problems or change anything but merely to be heard is often a powerful elixir to feelings of loneliness and disappointment and just as well to flavor our joys with a surplus of buoyancy.
The Imago Dialogue is a therapeutic tool that some practitioners utilize to help facilitate the kind of presence in conversation that sometimes becomes lost in the time or distance of our marriage or long term relationship, it has even been featured on The Oprah Show. While I would recommend that this be utilized in conjunction with marriage counseling / couples therapy to identify any other issues that are effecting the bond, this may be helpful for you or your partner to note as you attempt to repair your bond.
Imago Dialogue
Listen– Listening means that you are offering your presence to you partner and that you are really entering their feeling state with the only goal being, to hear them. Other more faulty methods of listening may include hearing with the goal of responding which is not a part of empathetic communication.
Mirror- After your partner has spoken their entire point; you now are able to enjoy your chance to communicate by parroting everything that you have heard them say. You should be careful to contain only what your partner has said because this is about hearing your partner and not about adding in your thoughts, feelings, or reactions. When you finish speaking your mirrored statement ask your partner to follow up by saying “have I heard you correctly” or “does that sound right” or “can I add any more?”
Summarize- The next key component to the dialogue is that you paraphrase by distilling the key thoughts of your partner’s points into your own words.
Validate – Now you validate which extends your empathy and understanding to your partners view point, this is often easier to do after having truly listened to and internalized your partner’s viewpoints. The statement can be something like, “I can understand that _______ or it makes sense that_________.” This doesn’t mean that you necessarily agree with the points being conveyed but you are only indicating that you understand because you have entered his or her feeling and being state.
Empathize- Finally you can finish up by conjecturing what your partner may be feeling as a result of this new understanding of them, it is sometimes challenging to imagine what another person may be feeling but you can consider what you may feel if you were in the position that you have just heard as a result of the issues that your partner has shared. This is a stunningly healing and powerful point in which your partner may feel heard and understood this is often the height of what we are looking for!
To close and before switching roles, it may be helpful to have a discussion about how it felt to have this kind of communication for both of the partners.
This is certainly a helpful tool to prompt the kind of furtive dialogue which sustains the strongest bonds. If your marriage or relationship is suffering it may be time to explore a professional perspective!
In love and good health,
Stephanie McCracken MSPC
Reviving Minds Therapy
Psychotherapy and Marriage Counseling
1010 Western Avenue
Pittsburgh Pa 15233
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Imago Instructions retrieved from http://imagoworks.com/pages/dialogue_instructions.html
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