Learn How To Trust Yourself

Do you often struggle with decisions, completely paralyzed and unable to move forward? Or do you text everyone you know asking what they would do? Or maybe you’ve finally decided, but then immediately doubt yourself, convinced you got it wrong? If so, over time you’ve lost touch with your intuition and the ability to trust yourself.

This blog explores where self trust comes from, why we lose it, and how to get it back.

Where Self Trust Comes From

According to psychologist Erik Erikson’s theory of psychosocial development, the trust vs. mistrust stage begins at birth and lasts until a child is around 18 months to two years old. This is the most important period of a child’s life, as it shapes their ability to trust and feel safe. 

Consistent care matters. When a baby cries and their caregiver responds, they learn the world is predictable and safe which forms the foundation of self trust. On the other hand, if caregivers are inconsistent or unresponsive, the baby learns that the world is not safe.

Exploration and decision-making builds self trust. Children who are allowed to make small decisions and choices, appropriate to their age and maturity, develop a sense of control over their lives. Letting your child pick out their outfit, even if it doesn’t match, builds autonomy and self trust in their ability to make choices. Conversely the child whose caregiver controls their every move, learns their instincts can’t be trusted. 

Effort matters more than perfection. When a child works on an art project at school and brings it home, the parent who praises their effort encourages creativity. On the flipside, if the parent asks why they made the sky red when the sky is blue can make the child question their choices. Permission to create without concern for realism or perfection builds self trust. 

Kids are watching everything. Children are sponges. If they observe an adult who makes a decision that didn’t have the desired outcome, yet focuses on moving forward without dwelling on something that can’t be changed, it sets a positive example. Self trust isn’t about always getting everything right, it’s also about demonstrating resilience and learning from mistakes.

Why You Lose the Ability to Trust Yourself

If we develop self-trust as kids, what destroys it?

Overprotection and Micromanagement: Overprotective parenting that limits a child’s opportunities to take risks and make decisions on their own can hinder the development of self trust. Micromanaging every aspect of their lives sends the message that their choices are not trusted.

Unrealistic Expectations: Setting unrealistically high expectations without considering a child’s individual capabilities can lead to a constant sense of falling short. This gap between expectations and reality erodes self trust.

Lack of Positive Affirmation: Insufficient acknowledgment of a child’s efforts and achievements, or a focus solely on their mistakes, can undermine their confidence. Positive affirmation is essential for the cultivation of trusting yourself. 

Invalidation of Feelings: When a child says, “I’m scared,” and a parent snaps, “You’re fine, stop crying,” the child learns their feelings aren’t valid. Over time, they stop trusting what they feel because they’ve been told their feelings are wrong.

What It Looks Like When You Don’t Trust Yourself

Here are some of the ways not trusting yourself may show up:

You second-guess every decision, big or small. Should you take the job? Order the pasta or the salad? Text back now or wait? Every choice feels paralyzing.

You need constant reassurance. You can’t move forward without someone else telling you that you’re doing the right thing. Your confidence depends on their approval, not your own judgment.

Your inner voice is harsh. It points out every mistake, magnifies every flaw, and reminds you why you’re not good enough. 

You’re so terrified of failing that you don’t even try. The risk of messing up feels too big, so you play it safe or avoid things altogether.

You demand perfection from yourself. Anything less feels like failure. There’s no room for mistakes, no grace for being human.

If you feel called out, you’re not alone. 

How to Start Trusting Yourself Again

Learning to trust yourself again takes time and effort. Here’s where to start.

Look back at where it started. Think about your childhood. What messages did you receive about yourself? Were you encouraged to explore and make choices, or were you told to stay quiet and follow the rules? Understanding where your self-doubt comes from helps you see it for what it is—old programming, not truth.

Keep the promises you make to yourself. If you say you’re going to work out, work out. If you say you’re going to finish that project, finish it. Every time you follow through, you’re proving to yourself that you’re reliable. Every time you don’t, you reinforce the doubt.

Expand your comfort zone. According to M.J. Ryan, author of Trusting Yourself: How to Stop Feeling Overwhelmed and Live More Happily with Less Effort, “Self trust is built on risk taking. We stretch beyond our idea of ourselves a bit and learn that we can do it, which then gives us the ability to stretch more.” Ryan adds, “Self trust builds on itself. The more we do it, the easier it is to rely on ourselves the next time.”

Get curious. We’re born with instincts that guide us toward what lights us up. These interests may have been squashed over time to fit in or get acceptance. The next time you scroll social media, pay attention to the topics that pique your interest. Maybe you see a post about a local improv group and notice a subtle twinge of excitement. Rather than scrolling, trust that your internal response means something. Each time you listen to that pull and follow it, you build self trust.

Validate your own feelings. Often as children we were told that our feelings weren’t valid or appropriate. Maybe we got mad when we had to share our favorite toy and were told, “Good children share and don’t get mad. It’s not right to be mad.” As adults we can take on the voice of that parent and invalidate our own experience. You can begin to trust yourself when you simply allow the feelings you are having and give it space to exist without pushing it away. 

Listen to your gut. You know that feeling when something doesn’t sit right, even though you can’t explain why? That’s your intuition. The more you listen to it, the stronger it gets. The more you ignore it, the quieter it becomes. 

Set boundaries and stick to them. What are you willing to tolerate? What do you need to feel safe and respected? Define those lines clearly, and don’t let anyone—including yourself—cross them. Honoring your own boundaries builds self-respect, and self-respect builds self trust.

Stop waiting for permission. Make decisions based on your own core values, not everyone else’s approval. You don’t need consensus to trust yourself. You just need to believe your judgment matters.

Get comfortable with uncertainty. Life is unpredictable. You can’t control everything. But you can trust yourself to handle whatever comes. That’s where real confidence lives—not in knowing all the answers, but in believing you’ll figure it out.

Spend time alone. Not scrolling on your phone, not filling the silence with noise. Just you, with yourself. When you can be comfortable in your own company, you start to hear your own voice more clearly. And that voice? It’s worth listening to.

Ask for help when you need it. Consider seeking the support of a therapist. Professional guidance can provide valuable insights, tools, and strategies to help you navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and trust yourself.

Self trust isn’t something you build once and then forget about—just like you need to continue going to the gym to maintain the muscles you’ve built. It’s something you work on throughout your life. One kept promise at a time, one moment of listening to your own voice at a time strengthens those self-trust muscles you’re growing.

Looking for More Support on How to Start Trusting Yourself?

If you’d like professional support on how to reconnect with your intuition and grow your self trust, we can help.

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Reviewed by Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh Clinical Director Kristen Walker, LPC.