What is Self Esteem in Psychology and Self Acceptance Enhancing Exercises

Will I Ever Measure Up?

Do you need to be approved of by others? Do you want to be successful in life? If you have a heartbeat, the answer is probably yes. But there is a distinct difference between simply valuing the approval of other people and basing your value on the approval of others. Like most things in life, the devil is in the details. When we get those details confused, we find ourselves anxious, distressed, and frustrated. It is our thoughts that cause our feelings, and if we repeatedly tell ourselves we are not good enough, we are going to experience feelings of worthlessness! Understanding unconditional self-acceptance can help us to establish a healthy balance between what we want, and what we need. This post is about understanding how your thoughts and words drastically affect the way you relate to yourself, and how you can sow the seeds of unconditional self-acceptance. Unconditional self-acceptance is a dedicated choice to accept that you are a human being with such uniqueness and complexity that you simply cannot be given an overall total rating. Accepting this belief paves the way for interior peace and wellbeing.

Where does your worth come from?

One of the common answers to this question is that your sense of worth is based on the confidence you have in your ability to accomplish goals and maintain relationships. We call this self-esteem. Albert Ellis, one of the great American Psychologists (and a native of Pittsburgh!) actually believed that the idea of self-esteem was problematic. He once said in a lecture, “Self-esteem is the greatest sickness known to man or woman because it’s conditional.” If that wasn’t enough, he wrote a whole book called “The Myth of Self-Esteem,” arguing this point! Self-esteem is too fragile to carry us safely though the difficulties of life. Self-esteem is based on measuring up to some standard. What happens when you fall short? What if you have trouble maintaining relationships? Does that mean you are unworthy? We are all humans here, so it’s only a matter of time before we fall short of our goals in one way or another! Placing your value in self-esteem is like going out on a big lake in a paddle boat. As long as the sun is out and the weather is nice, you are in a good place. But as soon as the conditions change, you find yourself vulnerable, powerless, and unfit to weather the storm! Self-esteem places human value on a condition, but human value has to be put in something unconditional. You can’t rate yourself on some measurement or condition. The more you try the more anxious and distressed you will become! Unconditional self-acceptance is a refusal to rate your whole self on some measurement, it’s a choice to accept yourself as a human, even when you don’t like the way you feel, or the things you do. It is simply a commitment to accept yourself with no if’s, and’s, or but’s. Understanding how and why we try to rate ourselves can help us to stop this habit that causes us distress.

Don’t throw the Baby out with the Bathwater

We are not taught to value ourselves; we are taught to evaluate ourselves. Placing generalized ratings on ourselves and others is a lesson taught to us throughout childhood. As we become socialized, we are told that whether we are good or bad is determined by our behavior. In school children learn to think, “If I behave well, I am a good kid.” But, “If I behave badly, I am a bad kid.” This thought develops into the belief,

“It is okay to make judgement about people based on their behavior.” We use this same logic to evaluate ourselves when we succeed or fail to meet some standard. “If I behave well, I am a good person.” “If I act badly, I am a bad person.” This kind of thinking is dysfunctional, illogical, and irrational. It is a common mental mistake that all humans are vulnerable to make. You are not your behavior; you are so much more. Stop throwing the baby out with the bath water! Stop throwing yourself out because of your behavior. Humans are so remarkably complex that it is impossible to assign someone, including yourself, a global rating. Think about one of the behaviors that make it hard to accept yourself sometimes. Now ask yourself these questions:

Is my HEART that behavior?
Is my MIND that behavior?
Is my BODY that behavior?
Is my SOUL that behavior?
Are ALL my SENSES that behavior?
Are ALL my SENSATIONS that behavior?
Are ALL my THOUGHTS that behavior?
Are ALL my FEELINGS that behavior?
Are ALL my BEHAVIORS that behavior?
Are ALL my MEMORIES that behavior?

You are not a behavior, you are a person. You can rate your behavior, but you can’t rate your whole self. There is rule called the part-whole fallacy. The rule is, you can’t judge the whole of something by just one of its parts. If you got a flat tire, would you total the whole car because one tire was in need of repair? Of course not, but humans have a tendency to do just that, we assign general value judgments based on one aspect of our humanity. It’s just not rational, and when you think irrational thoughts it causes emotional distress! You have to learn how to stop evaluating yourself.

Unconditional Self-Acceptance and Self-Talk

Rational self-talk is the key to developing unconditional self-acceptance. If the interior conversations you have with yourself is filled with self-defeating, dysfunctional thoughts it is no wonder that you become distressed! Thoughts cause feelings. If we repeatedly tell ourselves that we don’t measure up, we will feel and act as if that were true. When we plant seeds of inferiority in our mind, we reap feelings of depression, anxiety, and self-hate. Feelings of acceptance do not come from being accepted by others, but instead they come from the belief that we accept ourselves. Unconditional Self-Acceptance is a belief based on reason. When we hold this belief, we express it in our thoughts and these thoughts cultivate healthy emotions. It is the repeated thought of unconditional self-acceptance that constructs a personal interior climate of peace, self-understanding, personal strength, patience, and authentic self-love. What does this self-talk look like? Rational thinking is flexible, non-extreme, helpful, logical, and based on reality. It leads to healthy emotions. Irrational thought on the other hand is rigid, extreme, illogical, prevents you from attaining your goals, and is not based on reality. For example, if you bombed a presentation for work, a rational approach would be to say to yourself, “I did very poorly on my presentation, and now I feel embarrassed. But my value does come from my ability to present, or the approval of others.” This thought is true, it is based on

what happened and the emotion you feel would be appropriate. You will probably be sad, but it won’t throw you into a depressive episode. Being irrational you might say, “I did such a bad job on my presentation, I am worthless.” This type of thinking is self-defeating and will cause unhealthy feelings of self-criticism and contempt. We continually reteach ourselves the belief that our worth depends on other people’s approval or our accomplishments by the things that we say to ourselves. When we think irrationally, we become extreme. We may take a healthy desire to accomplish something and amplify it to an extreme demand. We say things like, “I need to send all of my emails today, and if I don’t then I am no good.” When our demands are not met, we punish ourselves! When we look at other people we may think, “You must treat me well, and if you don’t you are horrible person.” Or, we make global evaluations about the world saying, “I must succeed in life, and if I don’t it is because the world is a terrible place.” Telling ourselves irrational and rigid demands sets us up for failure and frustration. We take these demands seriously, and if we don’t live up to them, we make global evaluations about ourselves, others, or the world. The more we use the words of absolute demands, the more distress we cause ourselves. Instead of extremes like ‘should’, ‘must’, ‘need’, and ‘have to’, try substituting more preferential language like, ‘I’d like to’, ‘it would be preferable if’, ‘it would be helpful’, ‘it would be best if’, ‘ideally’, etc.

Unconditionally accepting yourself makes all the difference! Next time you feel your mood shifting or your anxiety mounting, pay attention to your thoughts. Rather than being rigid and inflexible saying, “I need to send out all these emails today,” try instead being more rational and say something like “I would really like to send out these emails today, but even if I don’t, I as a person am ok.” Start repeating the simple phrase, “I am not my behavior.” Or maybe write a note and stick it on your mirror that says, “My personal worth and value does not depend on what I do, or the way people treat me. My worth and value is something that I hold within me.”

It can be tempting to try to justify yourself, but you don’t have to. Unconditional self-acceptance empowers us to be successful and to develop relationships in a healthy way that encourages self-possession, honors our freedom, and affirms our dignity. Unconditional Self-acceptance is a way of looking at ourselves that remembers, “I am not my behavior. I am an unrepeatable, un-ratable, and dignified being. My value does not come from the approval of others, or the things that I do. My value is inseparable from the fact that I exist. I chose to accept myself unconditionally.”

Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy and Cognitive Behavioral therapy focus on the way that our thoughts affect our behavior. If you are struggling with depression, anxiety, or any other emotional disturbance and feel this type of counseling would be a good fit for you, call us at 412-322-2129. We would love to set you up for a counseling session with one of our therapists trained in Cognitive Behavioral therapy.

Why Is Self-Esteem Important?

Self-esteem is important because it shapes how you see yourself and how you move through the world. When you value yourself, it is easier to try new things, set limits, and bounce back from setbacks. Healthy self-esteem supports nearly every part of life.

We often see that people with steady self-esteem handle stress better. They are kinder to themselves when things go wrong. They also tend to build healthier relationships.

According to the American Psychological Association, healthy self-esteem is linked to better mental health, stronger relationships, and greater resilience. A solid sense of worth gives you a steady base to stand on.

Caring for your whole self helps this grow, and wellness counseling can support you along the way. Valuing yourself is worth the effort.

What Causes Low Self-Esteem?

Low self-esteem is often caused by harsh criticism, constant comparison, and difficult life experiences. It usually builds slowly over time. Many people are not even sure when it started.

Some common causes include being treated unkindly, holding yourself to impossible standards, or comparing your life to others. Repeated setbacks or a harsh inner voice can add to it. These patterns are learned, which means they can also change.

According to the American Psychological Association, low self-esteem can develop from repeated criticism and a habit of harsh self-judgment. We see naming the cause as a helpful first step.

When low self-worth has weighed on you, individual therapy gives you a space to understand and shift it. Where it comes from can be gently worked through.

What Are the Signs of Low Self-Esteem?

Signs of low self-esteem include harsh self-talk, trouble accepting praise, and a strong fear of failure. You might also notice yourself avoiding challenges or saying sorry too often. These signs can be easy to miss because they feel so normal.

Other common signs include comparing yourself to others, feeling like you are never enough, and putting your own needs last. Some people also struggle to set limits or speak up. Noticing these patterns is the first step toward change.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, persistent low self-worth often appears alongside conditions such as depression. We share this so you know these feelings are common and treatable.

When low self-worth brings lasting sadness, depression therapy can help you feel more like yourself. Recognizing the signs opens the door to feeling better.

How Do You Build Self-Esteem?

You can build self-esteem by changing how you talk to yourself and taking small, steady steps. Self-esteem grows through practice, not overnight. Each small win adds up.

Start by noticing your inner voice, and try to speak to yourself with more kindness. Set small goals you can reach, and let yourself feel good about them. Practice setting limits, and spend time on things you are good at. Treat yourself the way you would treat a friend.

According to research published in the journal Behaviour Research and Therapy, cognitive behavioral approaches can help people build healthier and more balanced self-beliefs. We find that gentle, steady effort works best.

Learning to reframe harsh thoughts is at the heart of this, and cognitive behavioral therapy can guide you. Building self-esteem starts with one kind thought.

How Does Childhood Trauma Affect Self-Esteem?

Childhood trauma can affect self-esteem by shaping the way you learned to see yourself early in life. When a child feels unsafe, criticized, or unseen, they may grow up believing they are not good enough. These early beliefs can quietly follow us into adulthood.

We often see that the harsh inner voice many adults carry began long ago. The good news is that these beliefs are not facts, and they can be unlearned. Healing is possible at any age.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, difficult childhood experiences can have lasting effects on emotional health, though caring support can help with healing. We see this as a reason for hope, not blame.

When early wounds still shape how you feel today, trauma counseling offers gentle, guided support. The past does not have to define your worth.

References

Dryden, W., DiGiuseppe, R., & Neenan, M. (2010). A primer on rational emotive behavior therapy. Champaign, IL: Research Press.
Ellis, A. (2006). The myth of self-esteem: How rational emotive behavior therapy can change your life forever. Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books.
Ellis, A., & Doyle, K. A. (2019). How to stubbornly refuse to make yourself miserable about anything-yes, anything!London: Robinson.
I Am Not My Behavior. (n.d.). Retrieved August 02, 2020, from
https://www.smartrecovery.org/smart-articles/i-am-not-my-behavior/

By John Paul Dombrowski