Relationship Wellness Checklist, A Mindful Marriage Moment

Relationship Wellness Checklist, A Mindful Marriage Moment

Marriage, relationships, couple-dom, all forms of interpersonal dynamics work based upon unstated rules, we peacefully and automatically operate with a lifetime of typical exchanges. Some moments are peppered with glimmers of joy, one part emotional support, heaps of memories made, when we are being good stewards of love we dutifully maintain our promises for commitment. How to maintain contented connections with our loved ones isn’t usually a goal that we think about until something starts to go wrong. We know that to keep our minds, bodies, and spirits healthy, mindfulness holds the keys to happiness and longevity. The wellness model has useful applications to marriage counseling and couples therapy, we have compiled a 5-part relationship wellness checklist – lets take a moment to see how well your relationship makes the grade.

• Do you disagree and air grievances with your partner? By disagreeing, we mean constructively having a discussion about things that are bothering you within the relationship. One very ominous behavior pattern is when a couple comes in for therapy and tells the therapist or counselor that they never argue. We know that this is usually a sign of relationship disease. In this situation, it is likely that one or both partners are withholding vital information and may even be passive aggressive and building resentment by not discussing their true feelings. This communication fallacy is a product of imagining that by not being open about annoyances that they are preserving their bond. Withholding feelings and missing chances to constructively manage disagreements is a relationship destroyer and leads to emotional disengagement in the long term.

How Do I Fix Poor Communication in My Marriage?

You fix poor communication in your marriage by learning to express needs without blame, listening without planning a rebuttal, and replacing reactive patterns with intentional responses. Communication is a skill, and like any skill, it improves with practice and guidance.

A survey of 100 mental health professionals conducted by YourTango found that communication problems are the number one factor leading to divorce, cited by 65% of those surveyed. The inability to resolve conflict came in second at 43%. These numbers confirm what most therapists already see in sessions every week. Couples rarely split over a single event. They split because they stopped being able to talk to each other in ways that felt safe and productive.

Dr. John Gottman’s research at the University of Washington identified four destructive communication patterns he calls the “Four Horsemen,” which are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. His team found that the presence of these four patterns predicts divorce with over 93% accuracy. The good news is that 84% of couples who showed these patterns early on but learned to make effective repair attempts were still in stable, happy marriages six years later.

The first step is recognizing your own patterns. Are you criticizing your partner’s character instead of addressing a specific behavior? Are you shutting down instead of staying in the conversation? A licensed couples therapist can help both partners identify these cycles and replace them with healthier ways of connecting.

• Does your relationship have intimacy? The concept and behaviors associated with intimacy are multifaceted. Intimacy is a dynamic synergy of emotional trust, physical connection, and having shared meaning within the relationship. Intimacy is built over time and is facilitated through travailing joys and difficulties together for example, by exhibiting the ability to offer emotional support through a crisis.

What Are Examples of Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship?

Examples of emotional intimacy in a relationship include sharing your fears without being judged, feeling safe enough to be vulnerable, actively listening to your partner’s feelings, and knowing that your partner genuinely cares about your inner world. Emotional intimacy is not about grand gestures. It is about consistent, small moments of connection.

Other everyday examples include asking your partner how they are feeling and truly listening to the answer, remembering details about what matters to them, supporting their goals even when those goals do not directly involve you, and being honest about your own struggles instead of hiding them. These moments build trust over time and create a sense of safety in the relationship.

Research published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found that having a close emotional connection with a partner significantly reduces stress and increases confidence. The same research found that when that connection is missing, individuals experience isolation and loneliness that leads to elevated cortisol levels and a higher risk of depression.

Emotional intimacy is the base that supports every other part of the relationship, including physical closeness. We often work with couples who feel physically distant and discover that the real gap is emotional. Emotionally focused therapy is one of the most effective approaches for rebuilding that connection because it targets the attachment bond between partners directly.

What Kills Intimacy in Marriage?

What kills intimacy in marriage is a slow buildup of emotional distance, unresolved resentment, and communication patterns that make one or both partners feel unsafe. Intimacy rarely disappears because of one fight or one bad week. It erodes over time when small disconnections go unaddressed.

According to Dr. John Gottman, contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. Contempt goes beyond criticism. It communicates disgust and moral superiority toward your partner through eye-rolling, sarcasm, mockery, or dismissive body language. Gottman’s research found that couples who regularly show contempt toward each other are also more likely to suffer from physical health problems, including a weakened immune system.

Other intimacy killers include chronic stress, avoidance of difficult conversations, and prioritizing everything else over the relationship. A review published in the Global Journal of Health Science found that lack of intimacy is one of the most common causes of distress among couples, contributing to depression, anxiety, and emotional disorders in both partners.

Rebuilding starts with small, consistent efforts. Daily check-ins, expressing appreciation out loud, and turning toward your partner instead of away from them are the foundation. Mindfulness practices like meditation can also help both partners become more present and less reactive during difficult moments.

• Do you check in with each other through the day? Many of us have demanding jobs and schedules, even having to endure travel to maintain our work responsibilities. Yet, our cell phones and Skype provide us with a chance to tighten the chasm of disconnection by having some face-time, texting, or calls through the day. It is important to turn toward our partner to share highlights and check in, and this characteristic is something that healthy relationships do have in common. Alternately, this doesn’t mean to call every hour and lapse into conflict if our relationship is not experiencing as much face-time as we would like. We should highlight that checking in, is a natural response to feeling connected and participating in the intimacy of our friendship with our partner.

• Is there sexual and non-sexual touching between you and your partner? Both forms of touch are very important in our relationships, while many couples go through periods of lower sexual frequency, they stay connected by touching, hand holding and having other forms of non-sexual touch. Both forms, sexual and non-sexual touch are equally vital for our sense of well-being and bonding. Keeping in mind, consensual intimate touch provides a cascade of hormonal responses, releasing Oxytocin which is dubbed the cuddle hormone and facilitates bonding.

Can a Relationship Survive Without Emotional Intimacy?

A relationship can technically continue without emotional intimacy, but it is unlikely to be a healthy or fulfilling one. Without emotional closeness, both partners tend to feel lonely, disconnected, and unsupported, even if they are still living under the same roof and going through the motions.

A review of marital intimacy interventions published in the Global Journal of Health Science stated that lack of intimacy is one of the most devastating problems in relationships and is extremely difficult to treat once it has been established for a long period. The same review found that failure in intimacy is one of the most important predictors of divorce, particularly among older couples.

Relationships without emotional intimacy often develop patterns of avoidance, surface-level conversations, and growing resentment. Over time, one or both partners may start seeking connection elsewhere, whether through work, friendships, social media, or in some cases, outside relationships. The emotional void does not stay neutral. It creates pressure that eventually pushes the relationship toward a breaking point.

The earlier couples address the disconnect, the better the outcome. Sex therapy and couples counseling both address the ways emotional and physical intimacy are linked, and a trained therapist can help partners identify what caused the distance and how to close it safely.

• Who do you turn to for support? Can you name 5 people? Is your partner one of those people? If your partner is not one of the top 5 people who you turn to for support, your relationship may be headed for trouble and this is an indication signaling that your relationship may be prey to a deeper issue worth exploring with a marriage counselor or couples therapist.

What Is the Hardest Time in a Marriage?

The hardest time in a marriage is typically during the first two years and again between years five and eight. These are the two periods when divorce rates are consistently highest across decades of research.

According to data from the United States Census Bureau, divorces tend to occur most frequently between the fourth and eighth years of marriage. The average length of a marriage that ends in divorce is approximately eight years. The first two years are difficult because the initial excitement fades and couples are forced to adjust to the realities of daily life together, including finances, household responsibilities, and differences in communication style. About 20% of marriages end within the first five years.

The second high-risk window, often called the “seven-year itch,” is when routine has fully set in and many couples feel stuck. The career and parenting demands of this stage leave little energy for the relationship itself. By the time couples notice the distance, it has often been building for years.

Knowing these patterns matters because it means you can prepare for them. Couples who invest in their relationship during these critical windows are far more likely to come through them stronger. Premarital counseling is one of the most effective ways to build those skills before the pressure hits, and couples at any stage can benefit from structured support.

How to Start to Repair a Marriage

To start to repair a marriage, both partners need to acknowledge that something is broken and commit to working on it together. Repair does not require both people to agree on what went wrong. It requires both people to agree that the relationship is worth the effort.

The first step is re-establishing open communication. This means setting aside time to talk without distractions, without phones, without kids in the room, and without an agenda beyond listening to each other. Dr. Gottman’s research found that you can predict how a conversation will end 96% of the time based on how it starts. Beginning with a soft, non-blaming statement rather than a criticism changes the entire trajectory of the discussion.

Next, identify the specific patterns that are causing damage. Is one partner withdrawing while the other pursues? Is criticism replacing curiosity? Are old resentments being recycled in every new argument? A therapist can help name these cycles objectively so both partners can see them clearly without blaming each other.

Small, consistent actions carry more weight than dramatic overhauls. A daily two-minute check-in, a genuine compliment, or a shared meal without screens can begin to rebuild the connection. Marriage counseling provides the structure and accountability to keep that momentum going. At Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh, we work with couples at every stage, from early strain to deep disconnection, and help them find a path forward together.

Warmly brought to you by the licensed Therapists and Professional Counselors at

The Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh serving 5 locations with 75 counselors in Western Pennsylvania

• 830 Western Avenue Pittsburgh, Pa 15233
• 2539 Monroeville Blvd Monroeville, Pa 15146
• 3901 Mcknight Rd McCandless 15237
• 2000 Waterdam Plaza Drive, Suite 240, Canonsburg