Wounded Warrior, How to Survive a Loss of Love, Divorce Counseling and Breaking Up

Wounded warrior, How to Survive a Loss of Love…

The termination phase of love is a magnificent hurtle or sticking point for many of the lovers out there. Even if all seems hopeless right now, I want anyone wounded in love to recognize that there is abundant likelihood that your heart, mind, and spirit will make a full recovery. This does however require one to make use of some specific skill sets, your coping mechanisms. It is in fact coping skills coupled with awareness and integration of new learning which make that full recovery more expedient and probable.

We know some of the story, loss of the hopes, dreams, and connection that was once shared are indeed hard let go, fearing or believing that one will never love again. False thoughts and stumbling points can turn our mind against itself for a short period of time. Breakups, for the mutually agreed upon, or even for both the initiator and receiver of the news that the relationship has become terminal, all should know that there will be challenges in these changes. Chin up wounded warrior- adversity is the starting point for opportunity!

As a Psychotherapist and Marriage Counselor I have helped clients with accepting, managing, and resolving the grief of lost love. It is important to note there are two phases to the loss, Termination and Resolution. Termination is when there has been a verbal agreement to call it quits, the cognizant thought that “it’s over” and the sting after pulling off the band aid! Responses vary from emotional outpourings, edginess, anxiety, fear. Long nights vegetating with ice cream and sad movies become the cliché. Moving beyond this juncture requires acceptance of the loss and consolidation of the feelings associated with it. Resolution implies successful termination and the process of grieving reaching its timely closure. Sounds easy but why is this process the focus of so many movies and songs? Ummm…because broken hearts hurt! Breaking up brings up many reactions and is often hardest when they touch upon some of the unresolved emotional issues such as abandonment and fear of being alone, and or self-esteem in need of some strengthening.

Here are some of the typical stumbling blocks during the early phases of a breakup;

Obsessing- The stern face of determination and a destiny manifesto mapping the route back to the lost lover! Convinced to find a way of bringing Timmy or Tara back into your longing arms and with enough self-work, stalking, and or compromising you will again reach land of happy, happy, the end! NOT! This shows little regard or respect for yourself or your departed lover, if the relationship is over you must embrace some dignity for yourself and walk away with head held high. Repeated phone calls, Cyber stalking, or showing up at places where you know they will be is going to diminish your image in their eyes and most importantly in your own! What is it that you are seeking to avoid by continually calling, is it loneliness or fear that is beckoning you to desperate measures to seek reunion?

A Few Tears for a farewell- Many people become confused by feelings. False thoughts leading the presumption that if you miss someone or feel sad about a breakup that you should call him or her and make a teary eyed plea for the love. This is not true, if there were solid reasons and feelings on one or both ends to terminate then give it up already. Feeling sad and or slightly displaced by the big change of not spending time with your former mate is sure to create some inner angst. Recognize it and know that this is because you are a fabulous person capable of great love but do not make it a reason to pick up the phone. It is a good time to expand your social horizon and reach out to your friends, family, and social supports. Rely upon them while strengthening your inner resources during your grieving process.

Drinking- So you are feeling pretty awful or even maybe excited to expand your horizons and you find that you are spending more time with a cocktail glass in your hand. Drinking to excess, too much and too often is a sure way to zap energy and decrease positive emotions. This is a cautionary tale and I assure you that during a break up it is a crucial time to embrace structure and healthy coping mechanisms to deal with your grief.

Insert BABE here- The lonely feelings are pulling you down? House is eerily quiet, weekends unfilled with company? Quick solution, fill that void with something or no– fill it with someone, fill it with anyone so you don’t need to feel alone!!!!! Hold that thought—STOP! Relationship junkies take a breather and consider just what you are avoiding by wanting to attach to anyone who passes your gaze. Relationships and even flings that are borne from fear of loneliness or the want to make another jealous are ultimately dehumanizing for both parties and do more to erode the self than promote happiness. Hold out for true healing before putting any of your energy back into a love mate, remember two broken wings don’t fly but two strong and pluming wings shall soar! Instead enjoy the opportunity to come into your self and rediscover who you are as one no longer a part of a marriage or relationship.

Hear no evil speak no evil-Speaking poorly about your ex-lover is going to make you look like the monster not the ex. No matter what the conditions of the divorce or breakup one must practice respect for the memory of the relationship and dignity of the self. If there is something that you must vent about do so with a close friend or family member or therapist. If you tell everyone you meet about what a jerk and loser Sammy or Sally is, those around you are sure to wonder why you would waste your time and love on someone whom you regard so negatively. It is always best to simply say that you are both moving on respectfully to those who may inquire.

Does The Pain Of A Breakup Ever Go Away?

Yes, the pain of a breakup does go away. It fades with time, and for most people it fades faster than they expect. Research on people who recently went through a breakup found that mood often returns to a normal baseline in about eleven weeks. That does not mean the sadness vanishes overnight. It means the sharp, heavy pain softens week by week until it no longer runs your day.

The pain is real, and it is not weakness. When a relationship ends, we are not just losing a person. We are losing routines, plans, and the shape of daily life. That is why it hurts so much at first.

Healing is not a straight line. Some days feel fine, then a song or a memory brings the ache back. This is normal. We see it in almost everyone we work with, and it settles over time.

Support speeds this up. Talking through the loss with a professional in grief counseling gives your feelings a safe place to land instead of building up inside.

How Long Does It Take To Heal From A Breakup?

Healing from a breakup usually takes anywhere from a few weeks to several months, depending on the relationship. A widely cited 2007 study found that most people feel significantly better by the three-month mark. For short or casual relationships, the worst of it can pass in six weeks. For long-term relationships or a marriage, recovery often takes a year or more.

The length of the relationship is the biggest factor. The longer you were together, the more of your life was built around that person. Rebuilding that takes time, and that is completely normal.

Who ended things also matters. Being blindsided by a breakup usually means a longer road, because you are processing both the loss and the shock at the same time.

You do not have to wait it out alone. Working with a therapist through grief support gives you tools to move through each stage instead of getting stuck in one.

What Makes A Breakup Traumatic?

A breakup becomes traumatic when it overwhelms your ability to cope and leaves lasting emotional wounds. This often happens when the ending was sudden, involved betrayal, or came after a relationship that was controlling or unstable. The brain treats this kind of loss as a real threat, not just a sad event.

Brain imaging research shows that romantic rejection activates the same regions tied to physical pain. That is why heartbreak can feel like a physical injury. The hurt is not in your head. It is wired into your nervous system.

Traumatic breakups can trigger flashbacks, trouble sleeping, and a constant sense of being on edge. When these signs stick around, the breakup has moved past ordinary grief.

This is where focused support helps most. Trauma counseling helps calm the nervous system and process the memory so it stops controlling your day.

How Do You Mentally Deal With Divorce?

You mentally deal with divorce by treating it as a real loss, building steady daily routines, and leaning on support instead of facing it alone. Divorce is one of the most stressful life events a person can go through, so the strain on your mind is expected, not a personal failing.

The mental toll is well documented. According to research summarized by Oklahoma State University, divorced individuals have two to nine times higher rates of depression than the general population. Feelings of loss, loneliness, and disrupted routines all play a part.

Small structure helps a great deal. Regular sleep, movement, and meals give your mind an anchor when everything else feels uncertain.

Emotional support matters just as much as logistics. Speaking with a licensed counselor gives you a steady place to sort through the emotions a divorce stirs up.

How Do You Start Over After A Divorce?

You start over after a divorce by rebuilding your routines, reconnecting with people who support you, and rediscovering who you are outside the marriage. This takes time, and it works best in small, steady steps rather than one big leap.

Rebuilding identity is often the hardest part. Many people spent years thinking as a couple, so learning to think as an individual again feels strange at first. That feeling fades as new habits take hold.

Social connection speeds recovery. Research shows that strong social support leads to better emotional recovery after divorce, so reaching out to friends and family is not a luxury. It is part of the healing.

Professional guidance can make the transition smoother. For couples facing a split, divorce mediation can lower conflict and help both people move forward with less stress.

How Do You Let Go Of Someone You Love?

You let go of someone you love by accepting that the relationship has ended, allowing yourself to grieve, and slowly turning your focus back toward your own life. Letting go does not mean you stop caring. It means you stop waiting for a different outcome.

The pull to hold on is powerful for a reason. Studies show that romantic rejection lights up the brain’s reward system in a way similar to withdrawal, which is why the urge to reach out can feel so strong even when you know better. Naming that pull for what it is makes it easier to resist.

Cutting off contact, or limiting it, gives your mind room to reset. Every time you check in on an ex, the healing clock starts over.

Grief after love is still grief, and it deserves real care. We help people process that loss and rebuild a full, steady life at Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh.

Look forward to next week—Beyond grief into bloom.

If you have any of other thoughts, questions, or words of wisdom please be welcome to share!

In abundant love, warmth, and wisdom,

Stephanie McCracken MSPC

Reviving Minds Therapy

Offering Psychotherapy and Marriage Counseling

412-215-1986

1010 Western Ave Pittsburgh Pa 15233