Why Do We Talk Ourselves Out of Our Own Pain?

Self-gaslighting, as defined by Dandelet (2021) from the University of Chicago, stems from the act of invalidating one’s own thoughts, feelings, and actions based on the normative beliefs of others. It serves as a form of maladaptive defense mechanism against current triggers of past experiences. Such action typically originates from adverse experiences where our perception is split between our own survival needs versus general responses toward current triggers.

What is Self-Gaslighting?

At its core, what we call self-gaslighting is often a form of repression. By repressing fear or anxiety, we allow ourselves to enter potentially triggering situations while consciously refusing to acknowledge our emotional response. While this is a denial of reality, it is important to recognize the adaptive benefit this can provide: in certain moments, this internal shielding allows our resilience to shine, helping us move on in life and navigate daunting emotional challenges when we aren’t yet ready to process them.

For example, a female client may feel she is being “too sensitive” regarding the presence of men who resemble her past abusers, while everyone else in the present keeps telling her these men are safe and kind. Or a war veteran may emphasize that they are being “too dramatic” about fireworks when, in fact, the sound reminds them of bombs from a previous tour. These examples represent traumatized individuals who project a sense of invulnerability onto themselves at the cost of suppressing their feelings of vulnerability. On the surface level, things may feel “okay,” but the body perceives stress regardless, manifesting as elevated heart rate, irritability, or anxiety.

From a holistic perspective, the basis for modern therapeutic approaches, the self is characterized by:

• The Mind: Conscious and subconscious thoughts, feelings, and emotions perceived in daily life.
• The Body: Sense perception and biological responses, such as sight, physical pain, or a racing heart.
• The Spirit: Willpower, hope, and the inner strength that allows clients to wake up and carry on.

The Integration of Awareness: Healing Beyond the Mind

While self-gaslighting and repression may work on the mind to some degree by allowing us to function, the body still feels the pain, and the spirit remains shaken. Therefore, the true path toward healing begins through awareness and acceptance. Becoming aware that, yes, we are in pain, and accepting that genuine effort is required for the pain to end in all aspects: mind, body, and spirit.

Externalizing the Internal: Validation Through Expression

One common approach is verbalizing the pain, either through someone we trust or through journaling. This allows thoughts and emotions to be expressed congruently; because verbal and written languages are bound by grammatical structures, they help our internal voice be processed in an organized fashion. Speaking or journaling brings the issue into awareness—the first step toward healing.

Moreover, sharing our thoughts gives them a “second opinion.” Just as we validate medical advice through a physician, allowing others to validate our feelings makes them feel more real. In the case of journaling, returning to your writing after time has passed turns the author into the reader, providing a unique perspective on one’s own mind.

The Professional Mirror: Counseling and Final Resolution

Finally, counseling remains the most effective approach. Counselors are trained specifically to acknowledge invisible pain and break the patterns of self-doubt that cloud judgment. If you regularly talk yourself out of pain, you are not alone. It is never too late to start healing, even if it means finally confronting the shadows beside us.

No generative AI was used in the process of writing this article

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Written by Charles Asavatesanon; Editorial revisions by Corryn Ling, Marketing Director

Sources

Dandelet, S. (2021). Epistemic coercion. Ethics, 131(3), 489-510.