Cut Down on Stress by Cutting out These Two Words Stop Stressing Yourself Out!

Cut Down on Stress by Cutting out These Two Words

Stop Stressing Yourself Out!

The Holidays are an easy opportunity to let stress bubble over and become full blown anxiety.  Stressors are a fact of life, but a majority of the stress we experience is actually a result of the things we tell ourselves. Often, our anxiety is rooted in the unfortunate human tendency to take our hopes, goals and desires and morph them into what are called absolute demands. We take our wants and then mistakenly, and usually without realizing it, turn them into needs.  Inevitably, we come up short and the result is a mix of shame, guilt, and anxiety. We fail to meet the rigid demands we place on ourselves, and then we beat ourselves up for not meeting these unrealistic and unachievable standards!  The most common way we do this is by using the words “should” and “must.” Without realizing it, you are probably causing yourself a lot of unnecessary anxiety with these absolute should’s and must’s. If you want a stress-free holiday one simple and effective trick is to replace “should,” and “must” with flexible language.

When your thoughts are flexible and rational, you experience positive and negative emotions in a healthy and balanced way.  Rigid and inflexible thoughts set unachievable standards, and when these standards aren’t met the result is extreme and dysfunctional emotions. With plenty of things to do, places to be, and relationships to manage, the holidays are a prime time for high standards and rigid beliefs to run wild.  How often do you tell yourself you, should, must, have to, or need, to do something? If you find yourself using these words a lot, it might be a sign that you are stressing yourself out! The good news is that you can stop most of your worryin

g by recognizing your irrational beliefs, when we notice that we are making statements that begin with  ‘should and must’ we know that we are using irrational beliefs, instead we should alternate those statements by replacing them with flexible and rational thoughts.

Is It Normal to Constantly Be Stressed?

Feeling stressed from time to time is normal, but feeling constantly stressed is not. When stress becomes your default state rather than a temporary response, it is a sign that something in your life, your thought patterns, or both needs attention.

According to the American Psychological Association, 27% of U.S. adults report being so stressed that they cannot function on most days. The Gallup Global Emotions Report found that about 49% of Americans deal with significant daily stress. These numbers show that chronic stress is extremely common, but common does not mean healthy.

Constant stress keeps your body in a fight-or-flight state. Your cortisol stays elevated, your muscles stay tense, and your brain stays on high alert even when nothing dangerous is happening. Over time, this wears down your physical health, your emotional resilience, and your ability to think clearly.

One of the most overlooked sources of chronic stress is the way we talk to ourselves. The words we use inside our own heads, especially words like “should” and “must,” can create pressure that never lets up. If your inner voice sounds more like a drill sergeant than a supportive friend, that constant internal pressure may be a big part of why you feel stressed all the time. Working with a therapist trained in anxiety can help you identify and change these patterns.

Absolute Demands

Should’s and must’s fall into a category of common mental mistakes that we all make called absolute demands.  They are rigid forms of thinking that result in unhealthy negative emotional states like shame, guilt, anxiety and depression.  Without realizing it, we take our preferences, hopes, desires, and goals, and turn them into needs.  The fact is your wants are not needs.  We say things like, “I need the approval of other people.” “I should be more successful.” Or, “I must be perfect in everything I do.”  The result of our illogical jump in thinking is that these thoughts are not rationally based.  When our thinking is not based on reality, things can quickly get out of hand! If our need’s for approval, success, or perfection are not fulfilled we experience it as a total catastrophe. Our rigid musts lead to extreme, and unhealthy beliefs, overgeneralizations about ourselves, other people, or the world. Everyone will express these must’s and should’s in slightly different ways, but here are some basic examples of what this might look like:

The absolute demand, “I must/should do well,”

Leads to the extreme conclusion “or I am no good.”

The absolute demand, “You must/should treat me well,”

Leads to the extreme conclusion, “If you don’t, you are worthless.”

The absolute demand, “The world must give me what I want, when I want.”

Leads to the extreme conclusion, “If not, it a horrible place.”

If we didn’t create these absolute must’s for ourselves, we wouldn’t experience most of our unhealthy emotional reactions. Other examples of absolute demands are have to’s, ought to’s and need to’s, but the two main forms of absolute demands are our should’s, and must’s. The fact of the matter is that there is no logical reason for these must’s and should’s.  They are actually illogical, and the result of rigid and illogical thinking is more rigid and illogical thinking, leaving us in an emotional mess. If you think about the words literally, and from a rational perspective, anything that should be already is.  If something must be then literally it already is that way.  When we use should and must we don’t always literally mean what we say.  The issue is that our brain doesn’t know that, and it reacts to the logic we use, thinking those things like success and approval are needs.  We believe what we tell ourselves.  The desires for approval and for success are very good and healthy human desires, but they are wants, not needs.  The real need’s humans have are food, water, and oxygen, almost everything else is a preference or desire.  The result of turning these preferences into should’s and must’s in our self-talk is unhealthy negative emotion, and dysfunctional behavior.

Why Do I Have Such Negative Self-Talk?

You have negative self-talk because your brain learned it somewhere, usually early in life. The way you talk to yourself as an adult is often a reflection of the way important people talked to you (or about you) when you were young.

If you grew up in an environment where mistakes were met with criticism instead of support, your brain internalized that voice. A parent who said “you should have tried harder” or a teacher who made you feel like nothing you did was good enough planted seeds that grew into the “should” and “must” patterns that run on autopilot inside your head today.

Social comparison makes it worse. When you scroll through other people’s accomplishments and compare them to your own struggles, your inner critic gets louder. Research on cognitive distortions shows that negative self-talk is not a reflection of reality. It is a mental habit, and like all habits, it can be changed.

According to a study published in the journal Cognitive Therapy and Research, people who engage in frequent negative self-talk are significantly more likely to experience symptoms of both depression and anxiety. That connection is not a coincidence. The way you speak to yourself directly shapes how you feel. Therapy focused on depression and mood often starts by identifying the specific thought patterns that are doing the most damage.

Respond to Your Should’s & Musts

In order to replace your should’s and must’s with flexible beliefs the first thing you have to do is pay attention to your thoughts.  Try to notice all the times when you use these should’s and must’s.  After you catch yourself, there are two steps to responding to your should’s and must’s with flexible beliefs. The first step is to tell yourself what your want is, and the second step is to acknowledge that you do not have to get what you want.  For example, If I thought to myself “I should have woken up earlier today.” The effect of this thought is that I feel ashamed and guilty.  I may even make the extreme conclusion, “I’m lazy and no good for not waking up earlier, this just proves that I am a failure.”  The result of my thinking is unnecessary shame and guilt. I can respond by telling myself what I would have preferred to happen, and then acknowledging that I am still okay even thought that didn’t happen.  I might say to myself, “I would have liked to wake up earlier this morning, but just because I slept in, is no justification to say I am no good.”  I could even add, “On top of that, just because someone sleeps in once, does not mean they are completely lazy or no good! That is a huge overgeneralization.” This is an example of using this flexible and preferential language to address my should, and to dispute my irrational thought. The result of my flexible thinking is that I feel much better and feel motivated to do better next time.

Here are a few more examples of possible Holiday should’s and must’s:

Holiday Should’s and Must’s & Alternative “Preferential Thinking”

What Does Negative Self-Talk Do to the Brain?

Negative self-talk activates the brain’s stress response in the same way an external threat would. When you tell yourself “I’m not good enough” or “I should be doing better,” your brain processes those statements as danger signals. It releases cortisol, tightens your muscles, and shifts your thinking into survival mode.

Over time, this creates physical changes in the brain. Research in neuroscience has shown that repetitive negative thinking strengthens the neural pathways associated with anxiety and depression, making it easier for your brain to default to those patterns automatically. The more you repeat a thought, the more wired your brain becomes to think it again without you even trying.

The good news is that the brain’s neuroplasticity works in both directions. Just as negative thought patterns can become wired in, positive and realistic thought patterns can be wired in too. That is exactly what the cognitive restructuring table above is designed to do. By consistently replacing rigid “should” statements with flexible, realistic alternatives, you are literally training your brain to build new pathways.

Cognitive behavioral therapy is built on this principle. It teaches you to catch the automatic negative thoughts, challenge them, and replace them with statements that are both honest and constructive. Over time, the old pathways weaken and the new ones get stronger.

We Stress Ourselves Out

We mostly upset ourselves by adopting dysfunctional and rigid standards and then when we don’t meet these standards, we beat ourselves up. We take our preferences, hopes, wants, and desires which are usually all good and healthy, and we turn them into absolute demands.  For example, It is perfectly rational to want things to be easy, but when this desire for leisure becomes a need for everything to be easy, we can get overwhelmed when things are difficult.  This type of rigid thinking creates extreme beliefs and dysfunctional emotional reactions.  When we think irrationally, we upset ourselves. When it comes down to it, and we evaluate these demands on a rational level, they actually don’t hold much weight.  This is a common mental mistake that we all make, but in order to stop our unhelpful thoughts, we have to pay attention to our self-talk, and adopt flexible language.

What Are the Symptoms of Being Sick From Stress?

The symptoms of being sick from stress include headaches, stomach problems, muscle tension, chest tightness, fatigue, frequent colds, trouble sleeping, and changes in appetite. When stress stays elevated for weeks or months, your body starts showing the strain in physical ways that can feel like an illness.

Many people visit their doctor for these symptoms without realizing that stress is the root cause. They get tested for everything, and when the results come back normal, they feel confused and frustrated. The truth is that chronic stress puts your immune system, digestive system, and cardiovascular system under constant pressure, and that pressure shows up as real, physical symptoms.

According to the American Institute of Stress, 83% of U.S. workers experience work-related stress, and 77% of people report that stress affects their physical health. The American Psychological Association has also noted that ongoing stress is linked to higher rates of heart disease, digestive disorders, and weakened immune function.

If you are dealing with physical symptoms that your doctor cannot fully explain, it may be worth looking at what is happening emotionally. A licensed therapist can help you connect the dots between what you are feeling in your body and what is going on in your mind.

Unhealthy Self-Talk Makes You Stressed, Depressed & Anxious

Thinking is a habit, and learning new habits of thinking that are flexible and rational will result in decreased stress, and increased life satisfaction.  This holiday season try to replace your demands with desires. Preferential language is flexible and accurate, and it helps us feel the way we want to feel, and really enjoy our experiences.  Rational Thinking provides us with healthy and accurate interpretations of ourselves, the world, and others.  Now that you know that your feelings are caused by your thoughts, you have to actually practice noticing and responding to these unhelpful thoughts.  You have to start to stubbornly refuse to upset yourself!  This is what is called thought disputation.  If you want to be happy, healthy, and stress free, stop telling yourself things that aren’t true.  Inflexible rules and demands result in unhealthy emotions, and create guilt, frustration, and unhealthy negative emotions.  Pay attention to your thoughts, ask yourself “do I really “need” to do this?” “Is this thought really true?” “Is this thought Helpful?” If it is not, try to respond with a more flexible thought. By recognizing your inflexible, rigid thinking and replacing it with accurate rational thoughts you will create a climate of healthy self-talk.  It’s especially easy to be hard on yourself around the holidays, but you deserve a break!  One simple and effective trick you can do to lessen stress, and cultivate healthy self-talk is to replace your should’s and must’s with flexible, preferential language.

How Do I Train My Brain to Stop Being Negative?

You train your brain to stop being negative by consistently catching negative thoughts, questioning whether they are true, and replacing them with more accurate and balanced statements. This is not about forcing yourself to “think positive.” It is about learning to think realistically instead of automatically defaulting to the worst interpretation.

The first step is awareness. Most negative self-talk runs on autopilot. You may not even notice it until someone points it out or until you start paying attention on purpose. When you catch a thought like “I always mess things up” or “I should be further along by now,” pause and ask yourself: is this actually true? What evidence do I have? What would I say to a friend who told me this about themselves?

The cognitive restructuring table in this blog is a practical tool for exactly this kind of work. It takes the rigid “should” and “must” statements that drive your stress and helps you translate them into flexible, realistic alternatives that your brain can actually work with.

Consistency is what makes the difference. One day of catching negative thoughts will not rewire your brain. But doing it regularly over weeks and months will. Research on neuroplasticity confirms that the brain can form new, healthier thought pathways at any age. Dialectical behavior therapy builds on these skills by adding mindfulness and emotional regulation strategies, which are especially helpful when negative thoughts feel overwhelming.

By John-Paul Dombrowski

References

Dryden, W., DiGiuseppe, R., & Neenan, M. (2010). A primer on rational emotive behavior therapy. Champaign, IL: Research Press.

Ellis, A., & Doyle, K. A. (2019). How to stubbornly refuse to make yourself miserable about anything-yes, anything!London: Robinson.