Dishes and Dustpans, Couples Therapy in the 21st Century
Dishes and Dustpans, Couples Therapy in the 21st Century 
Sweeping, chopping, dusting, mopping. It sure does take an obscene number of passes with the Swiffer to maintain gleamingly clean floors, not to mention streak free stainless steel and mirrored surfaces! Churning out all of that elbow grease but to be honest, how much time does one have left to maintain a vague notion of assembly on the home front? Considerations become compounded when we note that most families utilize some form of a two person income. Divide that amongst X number of young ones and suddenly you are welcome to an insurmountable heap of work and the typical affair of most Middle American families, in case you haven’t already encountered this nuance of cohabitation, division of household duties is an increasingly common source of marital strife. I assure you that more squabbles are provoked by who does the majority of toiling and bills than issues such as extra marital affairs or other relationship traumas. Division of labor is the kind of l
ong standing issue which if not properly mediated, can and will chip away at the bond.
Lately have you been noticing that you’re feeling like some frazzled version of Cinderella or a haggard snow white minus all of those helpful dwarfs? Maybe your mate is beginning to remind you of that slovenly beast or some other godless tyrannical archetype? While such fairy tales speak to the deepest reaches of our consciousness because they are relatable, however when your life and relationship is out of balance these polarized versions of identity may feel even more relatable. Relationship erosion occurs with each member of the relationship becoming polarized on opposing ends of the spectrum.
When it comes to domestic chores in many homes there may be the expectation that the female gender take care of the cleaning and cooking. Superficially, perhaps even the woman herself having watched her mother and grandmother sew and cook and care for the
sick and in her eagerness to live up to these ideals she goes beyond her own capacity gritting her teeth, smiling yet feels suffocated by the weight of responsibly. Growing children or not, piling heaps of dishes in the sink, those near and dear not quick to offer help in distributing an equality to household work, in homes such as this the sentiment for the domestic caretakers may be over worked and undervalued. Or perhaps you are a part of a family where both lovers do chip in and do their fair share of dishes and laundry it may not be without some ambivalence. For instance one gentleman who I know is easily able to incur the expenses of weekly made service in the family home, yet felt intensely confused about whether this was as ok as his wife was a stay at home mom, he was left wondering if this detracted from her worth as a caretaker. Still others who performing manual labor by their own toil, may wonder “Should I do these kinds of chores?” “I didn’t do them as a child and my mother is infuriated by my wife’s suggestion that I should lift a finger to pick up a mop or wipe a countertop!” The wealthy, the just scraping by, and indeed same sex marriages must contend with the distribution of household labors, gay and lesbian couples assign the role of which partner will do which tasks when it comes to cleaning, cooking, tending the yard, mending the broken cabinet handle and on and on. The problem comes into effect when the opportunity for productive conversations is not taken and one of the partners is unwelcomingly thrown into role of caretaking for all of the home, the mounting efforts may be taken for granted and the laboring partner feels that their values are not noted or received with gratitude.
Still another curveball is when inevitable change occurs, perhaps one of the spouses enters the workforce and is suddenly less willing to maintain the same level of responsibility which will be a time of renegotiating terms within the home. The opportunity is within the risk, these are all such productive considerations for the ever evolving family unit. As a psychotherapist however even when it comes to such tangible responsibilities the issue is seldom the issue, quaking under the veneer of dishes and dustpans are vast and bold themes of division of power, respect, communication, and even the unwelcome embodiment of bold archetypes, like some matronly version of Cinderella.
There is no one sized response which will or abolish these issues for the marriage or couple, the welcomed news is that by duly and mindfully approaching such sensitive topics more fair and logical distribution of domestic duties can be achieved. Even more importantly, a growing understanding of the self and opportunity to redefine the relationship is possible but only when taking the risk to assess both your and your partner’s deepest intimate selves. If you are too often gauging that mounting resentment within yourself for the unnoticed or barely noticed efforts which dominate your to-do list each day, perhaps feeling that familiar sensation of sadness or frustration maybe it’s time to try something different such as Couples Psychotherapy or Marriage Counseling.
In good health,
Stephanie McCracken MSPC
Offering Psychotherapy and Marriage Counseling
Reviving Minds Therapy
http://www.revivingmindstherapy.com
1010 Western Avenue Pittsburgh Pa 15233
412-215-1986
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Something about Nothing, The Importance of Relaxation
Something about Nothing
The heated summer air is whirring beyond and within your skin, feet pounding upon the city sidewalks in an ever hurried procession. Preparation for yet another marathon, sweat beads forming and sliding, perspiring in cylindrical icicles down your front, back, and every inch of in between, an urgent reminder to go, go, go, harder, faster, more.
12 hour work days, 52 weeks out of the year, the paper work piling higher, depositions and court cases formulating another win, another dollar. You will make partner in your firm by the time you are 40 as long as you stay later in hopes of achievement, more, more, money, more promotions, more responsibility, more ways to know that this is worth it, work harder, faster, more.
Your neighbor owes you 50$ and tells you that she isn’t able to return the kindly favor until next week, you were counting on it to put gas in your tank to take your brother to the store and your dad to the doctor and your daughter to the outpatient drug rehabilitation program, maybe even buying some snack cakes to put in your husband’s lunch pail. Who else needs you today? Who else can you help? Move, go, do, more, faster.
Stick the needle in your arm yet again, the numbness settles within and sealing your mind from everything out there until it’s time to get up in search of another person to rob, a piece of jewelry to steal, to trade for some money to buy some silence in time without thinking of the faceless people from which you steal or the way that it makes you think to be a person who sticks a needle to go numb. More, deeper, harder, faster.
Traffic light, stop sign, all hail the whistle!
Yield, I insist upon the cessation of all of this motion for just one moment!
You, don’t move another inch towards the needle, don’t lift that tennis shoe from its connection to the ground, toss that mounting pile of paper work to the side, tell everyone to take a taxi today. This moment, this hour, this day will be sacred. In this moment you will busy yourself with nothing! Your work, your accomplishment, your effort will be the achievement of absolutely nothing at all. Settle into that seat, locate a sturdy park bench, or a shady and cool spot under a giant oak, or perhaps you will lay down in your bed, it matters not as long as you are making time to do nothing at all.
For most of us, it takes practice and effort to develop this superior skill. The ability to relax and even glean wisdom from nothing, but in time you will appreciate the restorative properties to doing nothing because, doing nothing is every bit as vital as doing all of those something’s. Moments of nothing can be brimming with einstienesque inspiration, it is the stillness and quiet that is associated with heightened vital energy. Many people are at first uncomfortable in silence, it is in those moments that the mind begins to speak and we don’t know what to feel about all of these thoughts and sensations pouring from within of us. We are typically seated with television blasted and task at hand, there is most always something that provides a barrier preventing us from hearing that inner voice the speech exuding from the quieted mind. My challenge for you is this, insist upon creating a moments time, at least several days per a week or ideally, each and every day, to sit quietly while doing nothing. Allow stillness to cloak you and with eyes opened or closed, notice the quiet settling within and without, simply be 
seated and breath, observe your thoughts as they meander by like rotund puffy clouds in a warm summer sky. Simply and calmly be, while at first you may find it challenging to achieve this, I will offer my unequivocal assurance that you are in technical terms “achieving.” In this quiet and calm you are equipping yourself with vitality. As the mind, body, heart rate breathing settle, thinking, feeling, and being improve. With the mind calmly alert one is best able to commune harmoniously with others in performing the thinking tasks associated with living a full life. Some may call this exercise mediation, or prayer, or even time out but I will insist upon titling it nothing, the Italians have a luxuriously simplistic phrase for this, dolce far niente, “the joy of doing nothing.” Nothing hasn’t ever sounded so good. Always remember that it is within balance that harmony is borne, silence projects sound, the yin and the yang, all of those somethings, out of nothing….
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