Your Guide to Compassionate Listening Skills

In Part I of “How to Become a Better Listener,” we discussed the attitude of compassion necessary to be an effective listener. Now, in Part II, we will cover the technical listening skills that build on this compassionate attitude. These listening skills help us respond thoughtfully, participate intentionally, avoid problem-solving, and convey genuine understanding and acceptance. Since compassionate listening doesn’t come naturally to most of us, it’s essential to learn and practice these skills regularly.

Typically, we view situations from our own perspective—it’s the most natural and automatic way for us to engage with and apply our knowledge. However, when someone we care about is going through an emotionally painful situation, our instinct is to solve their problems to protect them and ourselves from their pain. Ironically, this often leads to the opposite of the compassion they need. So, what skills can we practice to become compassionate listeners?

Compassionate Listening Skills

Listening to Understand: Practice patience, intention, humility, acceptance, and reflection. Compassion is not about problem-solving. Most people aren’t looking for answers; they’re seeking support and connection. They want someone willing to sit in discomfort with them, accepting them as they are. It takes intentional participation to moderate your own reflexive responses to another’s distress. This means accepting both their emotional states and your own discomfort. It’s okay for you to feel uncomfortable with them—you’re here to listen and be present while they navigate their feelings.

Validation and Inquiry: Listening to validate and asking questions to understand better is crucial. Remember, this moment is about them. Asking about their emotions and experiences opens the door to deeper meaning and connection in relationships, and it requires vulnerability on your part as well. You may feel vulnerable or even wrong for “just listening,” but understand that problem-solving sends the wrong message. “I want to help” can come across as “I need to fix you,” while genuine attempts at understanding build trust in the relationship.

Body Language: Body language and unspoken cues are key factors in compassionate listening. Matching their energy is incredibly important in showing empathy. Having an open and inviting posture, leaning in, nodding, making eye contact, and using furthering gestures all indicate active and intentional, compassionate listening.

Dos and Don’ts: Compassionate Listening Skills

Dos:

• Do Be Present: Give your full attention to the person speaking. Eliminate distractions and focus on them entirely.
• Do Show Empathy: Use empathetic body language, like nodding and maintaining eye contact, to show you care.
• Do Listen More Than You Speak: Allow the other person to share their feelings without interrupting or interjecting your own thoughts.
• Do Validate Their Feelings: Acknowledge their emotions and experiences as valid, even if you don’t fully understand them.
• Do Ask Open-Ended Questions: Encourage deeper conversation by asking questions that require more than a yes or no answer.

Don’ts:

• Don’t Interrupt: Avoid cutting them off or finishing their sentences, even if you think you know what they’re going to say.
• Don’t Judge: Refrain from making judgments or offering unsolicited advice. Your role is to listen, not to evaluate.
• Don’t Offer Solutions: Resist the urge to solve their problems. They need empathy, not answers.
• Don’t Dismiss Their Feelings: Never tell them how they should feel or minimize their emotions.
• Don’t Get Defensive: If they express feelings that involve you, listen without becoming defensive or shifting the focus to yourself.

Practice Makes “Perfect” Listening Skills

Every aspect of compassionate listening, from patience to checking in, involves skills that require practice. Humility and generosity are key—letting go of personal ego and giving attention freely to others is essential. Being intentional and in-the-moment also takes practice.

Remember, no one is perfect, and your communication may be uncomfortable and make you feel vulnerable. Those uncomfortable feelings will pass, and you will be left with a deeper understanding and relationship with the person you are attending to. Your intentions will be appreciated if they are seen as genuine attempts to understand and be compassionate.

Do your best to be physically and emotionally present by stopping your background problem-solving when you notice it. Ask clarifying questions instead of filling in the blanks. Practice confidence (yes, this can be a skill!) to say, “I don’t understand what you’re going through, but I want to, and I want to be here for you.”

Looking for More Personalized Support With Communication?

If you are looking to enhance your listening skills, whether individually or with a partner, we are happy to support you. Please reach at to 412-856-WELL or fill out the form below.

Written by Ang Scotto (they/them), LPC.

This blog was informed by the following:

6 Tips for Compassionate Listening | Psychology Today

How to Become a More Empathetic Listener (hbr.org) (Harvard Business Review)

Compassionate Listening – Evolution Counseling