Why Am I So Defensive? Exploring Defensiveness as Self Advocacy

You sit down to dinner with your partner and they make a comment about having pasta again this week. You feel a rush of heat, and before you know it, you’re becoming defensive, overexplaining yourself about how busy your week has been, how you didn’t have time, and so what if it’s pasta again. Afterward, you feel a sting of embarrassment while asking yourself, “Why am I so defensive?” 

It’s a question many of us ask when we find ourselves reacting defensively, but what if that defensiveness is just a form of self protection? Or even a way of standing up for yourself—an attempt to ensure your needs, efforts, and feelings are acknowledged. It’s important to explore why we become defensive in certain situations and how this response can sometimes be tied to a deep need for validation and approval.

The Need for Validation and Self Protection

If you were invalidated in childhood, defensiveness might feel like the only way to ensure your voice is heard, your needs are acknowledged, and your feelings are taken seriously. In an environment where your thoughts or emotions were dismissed, you may have learned to overexplain, defend, or over-justify your feelings to be heard.

The problem with this is that defensiveness often blocks deeper self-reflection. While it acts as a shield, it may also prevent you from connecting with the underlying emotions that need to be addressed—such as unprocessed pain, hurt, or feelings of worthlessness.

Defensiveness as Empowerment?

Sometimes, defensiveness can feel empowering—as if your inner protector is stepping in to defend you. This might be especially true if, as a child, you didn’t have someone there to back you up. Now, as an adult, you’re the one standing up for yourself. This can create a sense of agency, a feeling of ‘I’ve got my back,’ which can be grounding, particularly if you’ve never had that kind of support. 

To harness this sense of empowerment constructively, it’s helpful to recognize when defensiveness might be masking deeper emotions, such as vulnerability or frustration. Rather than letting the protective instinct take over, try reframing the situation: What would it look like to assert yourself calmly, without the emotional charge? By approaching these moments with curiosity and clarity, you can turn defensiveness into a stepping stone toward emotional growth and stronger communication.

Defensiveness vs. Self Advocacy

While standing up for yourself is empowering and essential, it’s important to differentiate between defensiveness and assertive self advocacy. Standing up for yourself is rooted in self-respect and communicates your needs clearly and calmly, without escalating into over-explanation or attack. By contrast, defensiveness is often reactive and driven by the need to protect yourself from a perceived threat, rather than a place of clarity and calm.

This distinction is crucial in relationships. While defensiveness may stem from a desire to protect yourself, it can also prevent genuine connection by making it harder for the other person to feel heard. Self advocacy, on the other hand, invites collaboration and understanding. It says, “Here is what I need,” without invalidating the other person’s perspective. Shifting from defensiveness to self advocacy is not about suppressing your emotions but rather about expressing them in a way that fosters mutual respect and growth.

How to Shift Toward Self Advocacy

So how do we balance these two? The key is mindfulness. Recognizing when you’re becoming defensive and understanding that it’s coming from a place of deep need—whether it’s the need to be heard, validated, or protected—can help you move toward more constructive ways of self advocacy.

Rather than responding defensively, you can pause and ask yourself: 

• “Why am I so defensive?” 
• What’s really triggering me here?”
• “Is it the situation, or does it stem from past experiences of not being heard or the feeling that my needs don’t matter?”

By taking a moment to assess what’s underneath the defensiveness, you can reframe your response and shift toward standing up for yourself assertively.

Defensiveness and the Gottman Method

According to the Gottman Method, defensiveness is one of the Four Horsemen of relationship conflict, alongside criticism, contempt, and stonewalling. Defensiveness often emerges as a way to deflect blame and protect oneself from feeling vulnerable. However, it can escalate misunderstandings and erode trust over time, particularly in close relationships.

When defensiveness surfaces in response to an innocent or neutral comment, it’s a sign that deeper self-reflection is needed. In these moments, accountability becomes a powerful tool. By recognizing your defensive reaction and owning it, you create space for growth and understanding—both for yourself and in your relationship.

For example, if you find yourself reacting defensively, you might pause and say, “I realize I got defensive just now. I think I felt overwhelmed, and I’m sorry if that came across harshly.” This kind of accountability not only defuses tension but also models emotional maturity and self-awareness.

Taking responsibility for your reactions doesn’t mean dismissing your feelings or needs. Instead, it allows you to address them in a way that fosters connection rather than conflict. By integrating accountability into moments of defensiveness, you can transform these interactions into opportunities for growth, both personally and relationally.

Standing Up for Yourself Assertively

Standing up for yourself assertively might sound like:

• “I feel misunderstood when you say that.”
• “Can you to listen to what I’m saying.”

Instead of responding reactively, you’re asserting your needs in a way that promotes a more productive conversation, allowing you to be heard without triggering defensiveness.

Ultimately, both defensiveness and self advocacy are about standing up for yourself. But with defensiveness, you’re often protecting a vulnerable, unhealed part of yourself, whereas self advocacy stems from empowerment and emotional balance. Recognizing when one has shifted into the other is the first step toward navigating these moments with greater clarity and self-compassion.

Reviewed by CEO and Founder of Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh Stephanie Wijkstrom, LPC.