grieving the loss of a parent

Expectations for the Grieving Process

Have you ever wondered “is this normal?” during the grieving process. We are here to help you answer that question. According to Therese Rando, there are many things you can expect during the grieving process.

You can expect that the grieving process will take longer than most think. According to the Center for Prolonged Grief, “Acute grief occurs in the initial period after a loss. It almost always includes strong feelings of yearning, longing and sadness along with anxiety, bitterness, anger, remorse, guilt and/or shame. Thoughts are mostly focused on the person who died and it can be difficult to concentrate on anything else. Acute grief dominates a person’s life.” Progressing through the grieving process can be different for everyone. Grief is not universal as most think. Grief is individual and individual to each type of loss.

There are many different types of loss, such as sudden, unexpected traumatic loss (suicide, homicide, overdose, car crash etc.), loss due to medical complications or terminal illness, pet loss, loss of relationship or marriage, loss of pregnancy, loss of spirituality/faith, loss of health due to chronic illness, etc.

In her book, “How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies,” Therese Rando discusses that:

• Your grief will show itself in all spheres of your life: psychological, social and physical.
• Your grief will depend upon how you perceive the loss.
• You will grieve for what you have lost already and for what you have lost for the future.
• Your grief will entail mourning the loss, your hopes, dreams, and unfulfilled expectations you held with what you have lost and for the future needs unmet because of the loss.
• You may have a combination of anger and sadness, such as irritability, frustration, annoyance, and/or intolerance.
• You may experience some form of anger and guilt.
• You may have a lack of self-concern.
• You most likely will have trouble thinking (memory, organization and intellectual processing) and making decisions.
• Sometimes you may feel like you are going crazy.
• You may find that there are certain dates, events, and stimuli that bring upsurges of grief.
• Society may have unrealistic expectations about your mourning and may respond inappropriately or unhelpfully towards you.

You may experience any or all of the above. Due the nature of the loss or circumstances around the loss, you may grieve differently. For example, common themes for suicide loss, according to Christina Zampitella, PsyD, FT, include shock and disbelief, guilt, blame, rejection, abandonment, anger and so much more. Whereas someone who experiences reproductive loss may experience self-blame, emptiness, lack of possibility and security.

How Can Grief Counseling Help With The Grieving Process?

The goal of grief counseling is to get a person to an integrated grief, meaning, you can find a place for grief in your life and honor what you have lost. Working with a grief therapist can help you process the complicated emotions that come along with grief. No matter what your journey is, we are here to help. 

Interested in Grief Counseling?

Are you interested in exploring the potential benefits of Grief Counseling? We’re here to assist you on your journey towards healing and finding solace. Feel free to reach out to our knowledgeable team directly at 412-322-2129. Alternatively, you can fill out the form below, and we’ll be in touch shortly to address any inquiries or schedule an appointment.

We look forward to connecting with you and exploring how Grief Counseling can support your emotional well-being and overall healing process.

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Written by: Kelsey Counihan, MSW, LCSW and Certified Advanced Grief Counseling Specialist. If you are interested in working with Kelsey, please contact us at 412-322-2129.

What is Complicated Grief?

Losing someone close to you can invoke many complex emotions like sadness, pain, loss, and hurt. These feelings are natural and a part of life, but with complicated grief, or complicated bereavement disorder, such feelings don’t fade with time or improve. Their emotions might be so intense that it disrupts their daily life.

Living with complicated grief can bring up dysfunctional behaviors and unconventional thoughts. This chronic form of suffering can make it impossible to return to a healthy state of life. When normal grief does not go away, complicated grief occurs.

Think of complicated grief like being in a heightened state of mourning that prevents you from accepting and moving forward. Often this looks like intense sorrow and pain and constantly thinking about the loss of your loved one. You may find it challenging to think about anything else but your loved one’s death. But also, complicated grief could also arise from separation as well as life transition such as loss of job. 

Complicated grief can arise from any type of loss

Losing someone close to you is a distressing and natural event that everyone faces at one point or another throughout their lives. It is entirely normal to go through a period of sadness, numbness, regret, guilt, or even anger. However, these feelings eventually fade and are replaced with acceptance and the ability to get on with life.

For most people, the grieving experience follows a natural sequence and timing of events:

• Acceptance of loss
• Experiencing the pain and grief of your loss
• Adjusting to a new reality without your loved one
• Having new relationships

Complicated grief does not allow you to move through these stages in a healthy time frame.

Examples and Signs of Complicated Grief

Complicated grief can look like normal grief, except that symptoms usually fade over time with normal grief.

Examples of complicated grief may include:

• Avoiding thinking of their loss
• Obsessively thinking of their loved one
• Intense longing for their loved one
• Feeling a loss of purpose in life
• Constantly reminding themselves of their loved one
• Suicidal thoughts
• Unable to accept their loss that occurred at least six months ago
• Feelings of loneliness
• Insomnia
• Lack of interest in taking care of one’s self
• Reckless and self-destructive behavior
• Inability to resume their regular routine
• Avoiding activities or places that remind them of their lost one
• Loss of appetite
• Stress and anxiety

If these symptoms persist for more than a month and significantly impair your life, then it may be time to seek help.

Please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 if you have suicidal thoughts to receive support and assistance from a compassionate, trained professional.

Healthy Ways to Cope

The best way to cope with complicated grief is by seeking out professional counseling and therapy. Treatment can help you focus on your condition and begin the process of healing.

The most common treatment option is called bereavement therapy. A bereavement counselor will show you ways to monitor your grief and stabilize your emotions. You can also join a bereavement support group to talk about your feelings of sorrow, pain, and loss. It’s important to know that you are not alone and that other people experience the same emotions.

Other forms of therapy can help you cope with your situation, such as traumatic grief therapy. Help is always available, and you can find ways to find happiness and peace again.

If you are suffering from grief know that you’re not alone, and it’s okay to ask for help if you feel your grief is overwhelming. You can contact us at 412-322-2129 to set up an appointment with one of our Grief Counselors or email us at info@counselingwellnesspgh.com to get started. Or contact us here.

12 Ways to Take Care of Yourself when your Parent is Terminally Ill

Self care while caring for terminally ill parent

12 Ways to Take Care of Yourself when your Parent is Terminally Ill

If your parent is facing terminal illness, you as their child may be encountering some of the greatest stress of your life. The mounds of grief will have presented themselves long before the end of their life comes and while caring for yourself is likely the last thing on your mind, it is the most important thing you should do in these days, weeks, and even years. Here are 12 ways to care for yourself when your parent is terminally ill.

• Be aware of your own guilt, guilt has a way of creeping into everything that surrounds illness, death, and even contributes to complicated grief. If your parent is in the hospital very ill, you may feel guilty to do anything other than sit by their side so compulsively you will stay with them to avoid the burden of your guilt. The thing is with this kind of irrational guilt, nothing you do will ever be enough to stop it from effecting you. You must label your feeling as irrational guilt and accept your need for some balance and self-care in the rush of your parent’s illness.
• Practice mindfulness. One of the ways that our emotions become very unmanageable is the we often want to repress or avoid them. We become so busy with the act of doing that we dismiss the great segment of our humanness that is always feeling. Noticing our feelings and the way the effect our bodies, our breathing, our thinking, is a huge asset especially in difficult moments. Even as simple as observing, “I am angry, I am sad’ can help to reinforce our wellness and prevent us from acting out unconsciously.
• Become versed in grief and learn about anticipatory grief, the actual human tendency to begin grieving the loss of someone we love long before their life reaches its end. Anticipatory grief is one of many kinds of grief that you may notice if caring for a terminally ill loved one.
• Sadness related to bereavement and grief has a way of reordering our priorities to be more aware of what is important. Take advantage of this tendency to make use of it, for instance, the petty grievances that you might feel for a loved one fade aware in the dusk of their mortality and what remains is often love. Trimming the lawn to perfection or finishing the next race may seem less important and what takes center stage is often being with and appreciating others.
• Make sleep a priority, even when your schedule is crumbling and your heart is heavy having good sleep hygiene and making it to your own bed to rest will always be one of the best ways to keep yourself strong, healthy, and emotionally balanced.
• Understand what compassion fatigue, caregiver fatigue and burnout are and how they may be effecting you greatly in this time of immense hurt and stress.
• Eat a balanced diet, if you are rushing around in the hospital or caring for your parent in your home you may not feel you have the time to prepare healthy meals. Make time for them anyways, by fueling your body with nourishing foods you will be stronger and more vital to care for those around you in this difficult time.
• Find acceptance, it is sometimes hard to see that your parent is in the process of dying, instead we may react with denial and anger which make the emotional toll even harder on you as the individual. By stating to yourself that this is in fact the final process of your parent’s life you will be better able to readjust your approach to be sensible and supportive.
• Spend some time in nature. The outdoors from the trees to the grass and the leaves are wonderful teachers when it comes to the spectrum of life, ever watch a small bud unfurl from the soil and see a dry crumbled leaf next to it? That is everything we ever need to know about life.
• Anticipate that stress and sickness often bring out the worst in families, if there are at least a couple of people in your family tree who are notorious for being aggressive, addicted, selfish, or any other socially uncomfortable thing, this will likely present in heightened state. Armor yourself with anticipation and your best efforts for detachment as they visit your parent’s bedside.
• Activate your social supports, let people know what is happening in your life so that they can help. Sometimes we fear burdening other’s so we become silent in our grief. You might find that if you talk to others about what is happening and how you are feeling you will be supported and the sense of connection will help you.
• Make time for exercise, even if you are not a fitness guru, it is a great time to start walking or jogging. Exercise is an immediate help in releasing stress. You will benefit from better sleep and calmer mood if you activate this wellness skill.

Remember that the most important time for self care isn’t when you are bored but when you are busiest and feel that you can’t possibly find a minute in your day as these our the times when we need care the most.