mindfulness

The Psychology of a Win!

The Psychology of a Win!

Pittsburgh Penguins Stanley Cup 2016

There are many reasons that the city of Pittsburgh and Penguins fans afar are basking in the glory of last night’s Stanley Cup win! If you are like many of the fans, last night’s win may have left you reeling in the energy, perhaps noticing a burst of confidence, optimism, and even sexual energy. Of course psychology has a way of understanding just what happens for us as fans, when our victorious team landed the winning goal into the net, bringing home yet another Stanley cup victory for our city.

According to a research study conducted by the National Institute of Health (NIH), the main reason that fans enjoy that rush of endorphins comes down to heightened testosterone levels when their favorite sports team wins. The study was able to measure testosterone levels in self-identified sports fans as they watched their teams win and at others times watching them lose. The study concluded that those watching their favorite team win had a surge in testosterone and those watching their team lose had a significant dip in testosterone.

Testosterone is more than a “male” hormone. It is a key player in the health and mood of both men and women, and according to the National Institute of Health, Testosterone plays a role in:

• Mood and wellbeing
• Energy
• Confidence
• Sex drive/libido

So Pittsburgh, enjoy the win and all of the feel good energy that goes along with it! While we revel in The Stanley Cup today, there may be an opportunity for mindfulness, when we think about those San Jose Sharks fans. The laws of balance that govern all things dictate that what goes up shall to come down, and all of the positive mood, confidence, and energy of the win becomes just the opposite when we feel the effects of a loss, resulting in lower mood, lower energy, pessimism, and even at times aggressiveness. That however, is  certainly not where our great city is today, and on that note, let us enjoy the sweet rush of victory!

Go Pens!

In celebration and optimism,

The Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh

830 Western Avenue

Pittsburgh Pa 15233

412-322-2129

For more reading on testosterone and the mentioned study, http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9811365

“Peace Out Happiness; Why letting go of Happy may make us more Healthy!”

                                                                     “Peace Out Happiness; Why letting go of Happy may make us more Healthy ”

             Letting go of Happy! CIAO!

In psychology, in pop culture, in our songs and movies, our social media, we hear words and anthems which suggest that all the world is happy or in search of happy. “Happy” is the new salvation, happiness is quantified, we travel the globe, move our homes and families, friends coach each other through break ups by saying things like “it’s for the best, you weren’t happy.” We take pills, we change directions, we do it all on the quest for the place where we can experience this Holy Grail. Happy is one of those feeling states kind of like love, it means something a slightly different to everyone. What most people mean when they say that they are feeling happy is really more of an ecstatic sensation brought on from external stimulation. We eat, we shop, we serial date, and we orgasm our way into euphoric happy but it’s likely that it’s never enough because this happy is always fleeting leaving us with the notion that something is missing, so begin cycle again, more eating, more shopping, more dating and on and on. Perhaps even most of all, notice the way we judge ourselves or lapse into despair when we inevitably come crashing into the notion that perhaps we are not “happy,” we feel like a failure at life, imagining that everyone else has some secret to being that we have not. Yet maybe, just maybe we are ok just as we are without all of the trappings of that five letter word. 

                  All we need is peace…

Our proverbial quest changes the moment that we notice that these fleeting sensations are the cheap imitation version of long standing peace. We have been tricked, happiness is a fallacy, balloons bursting, drum roll stopping, external states of joy or daft manic amusements are no place by which to chart the life map. In the misguided journey, happiness will always be a place ahead, sometime in the future looming on a distant horizon. “After the promotion, after the next high dollar sports car, when I graduate school, after we are married, when our first child is born.” Happiness, peace, a space where we can stop and take a breath, the life marker where the “aha’ moment presents itself and the final sense of accomplishment graces our countenance. Be cautious traveler, searching for the treasure trove called happiness will throw off the compass, encouraging the bypassing of eternal states such as peace and serenity which are by far more sustainable emotional destinations.

Sit down and think on Peace and Love

We can nurture peace when we are living our life in balance, hard things will present themselves but we will assimilate and understands those things and we will allow them to pass by in their right time. Happiness can’t be sustained through the weathers of lost jobs, parking tickets, gossip mongers, accidents and hurtles but serenity, the far more virtuoso milestone can. Yet we know there will be days when happiness will stop by, she will sit down for an afternoon visit, we will always enjoy entertaining her but we know that she must ever move along on her Sunday drive, and we respect this, never demanding that she remain seated for yet another serving of our crumpets, frantic in our fears that the lovely face of happiness may never come again. That which we allow to come and go freely shall remain yet that to which we cling will forever suffocate and seek to escape us.

Our sense of serenity, the little kernel of you which is based upon confidence in personal integrity, the security which knows that whatever may come will be handled with wisdom, we are seasoned captains of our own vessel, when we notice that we have veered into some familiar or odd storm ridden sea which challenges our equilibrium and decimates our sense of peace, fear seizes the cloaked night as we are cradled in the turbulent arms of high winds and sea sprays, white knuckled grasping the helm. The captain allows the winds to die down and high seas ebb away without disturbing his peace.

Storms happen, life happens but peace can remain even in the midst of change, chaos, destruction.  Peace is more profound than euphoria, more enduring than pleasure and more tangible than happy. Perhaps the flower children of the 60’s had something right with their peace mantra, maybe we can find a way to come back to that, when we make our life goals, our relationship goals, when we weigh and assess how we are living our life, maybe rather than ask, “am I happy?” or “were we happy together?” “will this new job make me happy?” maybe a better question to ask, “is this allowing me to hold on to my sense of peace?”

Peace and Love…

The Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh

Contributed by Stephanie McCracken MSPC

830 Western Avenue Pittsburgh Pa 15233

412-322-2129

50 Wellness Keys To Happiness

Meditation for Peace and Connection.

50 Wellness Keys to Living a Happy Healthy Life

Our therapists and wellness gurus have compiled a list of 50 happiness keys- Be Well PGH!

• Make peace with your past.
• Have faith in the future.
• Find love for everyone but love some very deeply, this may require learning how to love and feel.
• Forgive yourself, forgive others, especially those who have not asked for it.
• Trust yourself and honor your feelings, feelings will guide you if you let them.
• Find a passion, something that makes you feel alive, practice it regularly.
• Learn the difference between being emotionally reactive and emotionally reflective.
• Prioritize a deep sense of safety and never entertain people or places which stir in you feelings of fear.
• Keep dreaming, nurturing the flame in others and yourself.
  

  Woman of The Earth

• Mindfully indulge your bodies appetites for food, play, connection.
• Learn to find and enjoy the comfort in silence.
• Make time for solitude, it is here that our creativity and vitality is rejuvenated.
• Pay attention to the words that you speak to yourself and to others.
• Wish success, beautiful love, and peace for your partners of the past.
• Try your best, push past the limits, that is where the magic happens.
• Know when to quit, some ideas and people are best left behind.
• Be cautious of too much routine.
• Regularly break into song and dance.
• Connect with The Earth and learn to hear The Words in the Wind.
• Learn to breathe with intention and harness the power of your lungs.
• Stare up at The Stars on long clear nights and think of the infinite.
• Don’t let other’s perception of you define your self-esteem.
• If you want to know someone, watch the way that they treat others in their life.
• Cling fervently to your intuition.
• Spend time closely with the elderly, they hold the wisdom.
• Recognize how short and special each moment of life.
• Hold hands while crossing the street.
• If you experience anxiety or depression start to manage it.
• Encourage yourself as you would others.
• Travel somewhere far away where you know nobody.
• Become enchanted with a strange place, person, or idea.
• Scoop a hand full of soil into your hands and smell it.
• Take off your shoes and walk in the grass.
• Stand the wrong way in an elevator.
• Stop and smell the spring flower blossoms no matter how hurried you are.
• Meditate upon love and light, glow with the thrumming of universal consciousness.
• Stretch often, get to know the little intricacies of your body, your sacred space.
• Savor the feeling of your heart beating fast from exercise, kissing, or the unknown.
• Do something for someone who can not or will not return the favor.
• Talk to a homeless person, hear their story.
  

  Nature grows, earthing the street

• Organize your home and office, a organized mind creates and organized space and life.
• Be cautious of being overly organized 🙂
• Strive for balance in all things!!! ^^^^
• Take Vitamins and eat meals made from delicious food instead of powders or meal replacements.
• Eat glorious multicolored fruits and vegetables.
• Indulge in the second piece of CAKE!
• Chew slowly and savor for a long time.
• Create a meal without using a recipe.
• Paint something abstract without caring how it turns out.
• Tell your parents you love them and make sure they know you mean it.
• Don’t speak in the heat of anger, the words can never be taken back.
• Love an Animal as you would a friend.
• Don’t pay attention to numbers on the scale, bank account, or the years of life.
• Know that there is a deep, profound Sacredness illuminating all things.

These are our wellness keys for health and happiness!

Be Well Pittsburgh,

The Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh

830 Western Avenue Pittsburgh Pa 15233

412-322-2129

Resolving to Simplicity

Change, Resolution

Resolving to Simplicity, Less is More.

Oh it is indeed that time again, the new year with its glittering hopes, perhaps like many others, you are assessing some goals, or maybe just noticing in quiet desperation that there are some things which you feel hopeless and exhausting from last year. According to statistics over half of those who have stated a resolution have already had one or more slip ups in achieving their goals. We understand, no need to wait until next year to start again, perhaps your resolution itself could use some polishing to make it more achievable. We know the common categorical types of resolutions, generally those things which move us toward the best version of self, or to be a better spouse, perhaps your goals are professional in nature, there are indeed many ways to evolve. As a helpful tip it is known that we do best with goals which are tangible and concrete therefor more attainable. For example, instead of I want to be healthier we would do best to spend some time listing and contemplating what our ideal version of health looks like so that we can better achieve that. We also do best with goals that are focused on adding a behavior or if we are taking something out of our repertoire we should be sure to replace it with something else, for instance if we resolve to drink less soda, what are we going to drink instead? So many worthwhile goals I have heard uttered by those around town, “take the stairs more often, spend more time with loved ones, take more time for relaxation.” Kudos to us in the north east for even while plummeted with heaps of snow, we still embrace our efforts toward growth or change. It is never an easy task to do a self-assessment and then endeavor to make internal and external maneuvers which are in line with our goals. Yet any effort large or small becomes a reward in and of itself, for this we should be proud, always remembering that change is not an event but a process. Maybe you are still coming up with your resolution, and that is ok too, there are lots of people still calling out ‘happy new year!’ For 2016 maybe like us, you want something a bit different, an intangible, an inarticulate, for us, our resolution may be the anti-resolution, for 2016 what we resolve to make as our own is this one simple, elegant thing, ‘we want less’ let us explore what we mean by this.

For 2016 let us clear out the clutter, the tattered and torn blouses shoved deep into the recesses of our closet, bring the dust bunnies to the light. Not just less clutter but less time acquiring more stuff, in 2016 let us aim to take up less space, find a smaller house and fill it with only the most important and essential of items which mean something vital to us. Let us embrace less fad dieting and nutritional trends which most of all whittle away at our self-esteem when in fact there is much to be loved about the curvature of our waist line. In this new year perhaps we can best serve our selves and goals by speaking less, saying fewer things and embracing those pauses which sustain the power of our chosen words and when we say less of them we instill our speech with meaningful gravity. It may be best to devote less attention to pursuing goals and progress, even this goal and instead we can sit in quiet contemplation while staring out at the endless lessons of the sun or the river, the sun and the river have so much to teach us. In this shiny new and novel year perhaps we can do less, and need less and maybe we will notice the widening cracks of the facade of all of that artificial striving when the unnecessary, the unimportant, the artificial all fade away, we suddenly create space for peace, for stillness, we find that stillness has its own fullness, we create space for our minds to speak of their own accord instead of the ceaseless serving of our family, our friends, our bosses and coworkers needs and wants.

In Pittsburgh’s own Andy Warhol Museum there hangs a sign that says, “Less is more? No! More is More!’- a quote by Andy himself. This we do contest, less really is more because when all that is not essential is whittled away, it is peace, simplicity and serenity which unfolds upon us, cheers to the new year and best of luck with your resolutions and beyond.

Warmly,

Nicole Monteleone MA, LPC, NCC

Stephanie McCracken MSPC

Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh

Reviving Minds Therapy

1010 Western Avenue Pittsburgh PA 15233

412-322-2129

“What would you do today if you weren’t afraid to fail?”

Achieving Goals can be an     uphill battle

“What would you do today if you weren’t afraid to fail?”

This is a quote on a magnet which hangs neatly on my refrigerator. This quote changed my life. Fate isn’t something we just wake up and experience as easily as the first cup of coffee makes its molten ascent out of the carafe, smooth and steady. Embracing my ambition to become a psychotherapist was not always written in the stars. The act of becoming presents road blocks, brick walls, doors slammed in the face, the slaying of a few dragons, encountering some villains, all in a day’s work when we are attempting to become the best version of our self. I was afraid to fail.

Many years ago, I was on a fast track to earning a degree in English Writing with a Minor in English Literature. It was in an honors literature course that I encountered Sigmund Freud’s Five Lectures on Psychoanalysis. I was hooked, immediately changing my major to devote my academic trajectory and the rest of my life to studying and practicing counseling psychology. It started off very well, the theories and interpretation all came to me fluidly and I was thrilled at the prospect of embodying this calling.

The University of Pittsburgh, where I was studying, has an excellent and rigorous Psychology program, where degrees are offered as a Bachelor’s of Science. Subtle but vastly significant differences that translate to very heavy upper level mathematics courses, calculus and statistics, trigonometry. Any of the psychology baccalaureates from the university are very well prepared to become researchers, quantifying and perpetuating the latest science in the field. I have been plagued with math anxiety for my entire life, even basic mathematics courses becoming source for struggle in high school. Quite a dichotomy  from the experiences of studying in my social sciences or English courses where a deep understanding of concepts would simply flow to me. Numbers terrified me, but I wanted it, I wanted the degree, I wanted to learn more about papa Freud and his procession of disciples, I wanted to do this every day. Never falling victim to fear, I enter business calculus, two weeks of lectures and each day I departed while suffocating tears behind the ever growing lump in my throat. I withdrew from the course and resigned myself to not being good enough to enter the field. “Leave it behind, you aren’t good at math and you never were!” Hearing all of those self-berating thoughts which are eager to leap out and from the shadows, the stop signs, the yield signs, the take a u-turn! I switched back to English writing, still something I loved to do, no there would be no therapy couch, no exploration of the unconscious. This was where I would settle for less than what I wanted out of fear and a sense of inadequacy. Life went on as it always does, we stuff down our displaced dreams, we move on to be productive, to succeed someplace that doesn’t provoke our fears too much, we choose that which is low risk, “this is sensible” we tell ourselves, “you can’t do this” fear says.

A couple of years later, walking down the aisle of Whole Foods, I saw that magnet, “What would you do today if your weren’t afraid to fail?” Before I could formulate the whole thought each fiber in me knew, If I weren’t afraid to fail, I would study psychology, and study psychology is exactly what I did. Reentering those math courses and working harder than I ever had to work to achieve success at anything, attending every study group, showing up to class early and staying late, by blood and sweat I did it, and all of that hard work didn’t just gain me a pass but I “A”ced all of those stats courses and made it through the program to graduate with honors. Now math isn’t even so scary any more, I have come to appreciate some of its applications when it comes to the field of psychology.

What would you do if you weren’t afraid to fail? What would it be? Where do you feel a sense of defeat? Would you ask the girl out on a date? Would you tackle an addiction? Would you learn how to fly a plane? Would you write the next great American novel? Work on your marriage? Back pack Europe? Learn to prepare the perfect Indian Curry? Become fluent in Chinese? Put an end to some defeating or depressing pattern in your life? Start coping with your anxiety? Learn to fly and airplane? Cope with Depression? Work on your start up company? What would you do if you weren’t afraid to fail? By this time you may be wondering, how do you get over this fear of failure, we have an answer for that too, you don’t, the most successful among us have failed a hundred times but have gotten back up one hundred and one, and that is what makes all of the difference!

We hope our humble magnets’ question is as resonant with you as it is for us!

With kindness,

Stephanie McCracken MSPC

Nicole Monteleone MA, LPC, NCC

Reviving Minds Therapy

Counseling and Wellness Center Pittsburgh

1010 Western Avenue Pittsburgh PA 15233

412-322-2129

We are Free! The Fourth of July and Freedom.

We are Free!

Fireworks Freedom 4th of    July

The sunshine is emerging on this Pittsburgh morning, in a moment of quiet reflection the gravity of a thought was borne. A glittering thought about this freedom that we gather to celebrate today. As we set off to our picnics and rejoice in our long holiday weekend, in enlivened revelry as we gather just as we have gathered as a nation since 1776. The enlightening and ebullient notion where we may float as light as a feather in the intoxication of this freedom, yet too this freedom has such weight as in choice there is gravity for we must then assume accountability in this staggering possibility. We as citizens of this great freedom, we the masters of our own lives, the freedom to create our own identity, free to be the preservers of our own happiness, the free proponents of our lifestyles. This freedom is ours no matter what moments we have experienced victimization and disappointment, emotional or moral outrage, you see indeed we are still free, given this freedom which propels us to limitless choice yet weighs each of us with the burden of choice. In this very governmental, emotional, intellectual,  and religious freedom in which we are esteemed this gleaming and distinguished honor, we are afforded the experience of freedom on this and each day, let us take a moment to thank those forefathers who sought to establish and protect our emancipation from the severe and deleterious rule of any other another nation, any other notion or thought which would sever our choice or promote our bondage, allow us to be bright and somber in this hopeful and heavy choice of who we will be and how we shall become it. In our early years we united as a union and fought for this freedom with the eventual outcome of assembling as one nation, one nation under god, and it is within god that we trust. As a country we are given the constitutional right to boisterously proclaim our truths and to pursue our pleasures with little interference provided we act in accordance with the basics of dignity and respect; yes, indeed we are free. What a thing to be untethered and able to account for our own choices, consider and rejoice in this, WE ARE FREE! Free to marry whomever we wish. Free to enjoy boundless borders and unalienable rights. Freedom is an honor and a notion to be protected, consider how many gun shots have been fired in the name of this, our freedom. Allow us to remember those canons sounding as our fireworks sound through a nation in celebration of this honor of freedom. Today let us gather with friends and loved ones, strangers alike, and allow us to remember what an honor it is to be free, an honor to serve the magnitude of opportunity, let us revel in this vast and intricate responsibility and possibility within our independent  freedom.

In loving and grateful freedom,

Stephanie McCracken MSPC

Nicole Monteleone MA LPC NCC

Reviving Minds Therapy

1010 Western Avenue Pittsburgh Pa 15233

Awakening, Good Morning True Self, A Counselors Meditation

Waking Up To The Present Moment and True Self

Is our fantasy of tomorrow preventing life today? There is a Zen saying which states that we should all aspire to be like a baby, experiencing each thing anew, recovering its wonder, in this we find peace, we find joy, we find the departure of negative feeling states attached to memory’s. There are many times when the perception of life’s lengthy expanse may prevent us from engaging fully in today, we imagine that we always have another tomorrow to complete our goals, to say hello, to say good bye, or to utter I’m sorry. As an exercise in consciousness and imagination, consider for a moment that you have learned it will be your last day on earth. I imagine that most of us would want to know this information as it would likely shape how we interact on our final day. If we could harness our strength and be compelled to ride the waves of anxiety something unique happens when we let go of the illusion of tomorrow, we submerge ourselves with attention in the things that matter most, we begin to embody our true or essential selves.

What is meant by the term true self? Most people when asked what they would do on their final day, make some mention of spending time with the people who they love. We want to tell them that we love them, perhaps to lay behind us disagreements and grievances. Yet too we often want to contribute something to humanity or to our family. Our essential self, offers peace and love as its greatest legacy yet often in life we are caught up in our feelings of injustice, notion of what is right or wrong, rigid boundaries with others so then it becomes easy to hold grudges, not make time for those we care about as we check our email, lift our weights, as we save and toil for our eternally uncertain futures.

There is another Zen saying which states that if we are feeling anxiety it is because we are in the future, if we are feeling depression it is because we are in the past, if we are feeling calm it is because we are in the present. Our human minds easily drift among these layers of consciousness, with the gift of memory and planning we have evolved so well to map out our future, considering things like consequences and possibilities. It is the same too with consideration of the past, it is an evolutionary advantage to remember people and situations which cause us fear and pain. It is healthy and expected to refrain from dangers and risks and move towards help and comfort. Without concerns for the future, as we continue our exercise in imagining that it is our last day on earth, we are poised on the precipice of the great unknown, we may be better able to remain grounded “in the now”. Author Randy Pausch, esteemed writer of “The Last Lecture”, Randy wrote a memoir on living while dying, in one of his chapters he references how brilliant each moment became when we know that our time is very limited. We open ourselves to the grandeur and wonder when we imagine that the things we encounter will never be encountered again, yet the truth is for each of us, full of health and contentment, time is limited, it is ticking with finality, how vivid is today, how connected to the things and people do you feel that you are right now? How do you feel about the life that you will be living today? Have you made amends with your regrets? Are you connected to passion, serenity, to wonder? We cannot be sure about tomorrow but how alive can we become today?

In peace and joy,

Stephanie McCracken MSCP

Nicole Monteleone MA, LPC, NCC

Reviving Minds Therapy

Counseling and Psychotherapy ‘Couples Therapy

1010 Western Avenue Pittsburgh Pa 15233 Suite 100

412-322-2129

April Rain Drops; Tear Drops, A Counselors Thoughts on Grief

     Grief, Tear Drops Cling

With the passing of the seasons, the moist dew draping the landscape, like just maybe the earth herself is crying for one of the many seasons departures. Typically the subjects I explore are things that I find intellectually interesting, topics which may be trending on the web. Today something different, in a recent reading about tapping into universal consciousness as a  reader I  was urged to follow synchronicity. Where are we noticing patterns? Those uncannily shared and observed sets of circumstances which arch across history and humanity? None may be more universal that the experience of grief and loss, a topic which has touched me personally during the last couple of months. The death of someone close or even far is extremely difficult, perhaps even harder than anyone could know lest they have experienced deaths dismal grips. The proverbial lights go out, we stand in darkness, we may tell ourselves, “hey lighten up, you are lucky enough to have made it through another bombastic winter and onward to the next season’s days, you’re still here you know.” In the being here, there are so many things to do, tasks of the living, so we may push away our feelings to move on with our busy tasks.

As therapists, counselors and mental health professionals alike we have our charts which makes explicitly tangible the grieving cycle, from immobilized shock and dismay, a dose of anger and denial, depression, and acceptance. The motions are not static, they are an influx of transitions greatly affected by personality, biochemical, and social variables. Coping skills can be assessed at each interval of the process. As counselors we are trained to understand what is within the normal range for the process of grieving, whether that loss is divorce, death, loss of unrealized potentials, among the myriad of other losses. Saying goodbye, the gravity of letting go can be paralyzing, yet as every great philosopher knows life is indeed about loss, we build up, we hold on, we let go, this is the grand procession of all things. In death of loved ones and even in divorce or a break up, we struggle with the paramount life questions. Concern over the deceased and what our spiritual views dictate. We may become vividly aware of a sense of aloneness, who has a touch or a word that sincerely offers comfort to internal anguish, we too may find comfort in spirituality and or those who grieve with us, comrades in grief, unity within our suffering. We at times may feel alone and not know where to unravel the depth of our sorrow as well intended acquaintances may or may not really want to know what we are thinking when they ask how we are feeling. Other bleak nuances and limitations sharpen focus in grieving, we know that we too will one day depart from our human form, a veiled and stupefying terror of our own death may emerge. It may at times seem herculean to continue delegating time and attention to the tasks which sustain our basic lives. The cycle of grief.

We sometimes may notice shortened attention spans, greater irritation at small things which normally wouldn’t bother us, we may begin to doubt ourselves. When reiterating this stringent knowledge I am reminded of a modern adage wherein a waiter is holding a bludgeoning tray of goods for his next table, his arm stands poised and for the first minute, succeeding erect posture, his elevated arm is steady. When asked “how heavy is the tray?” He replies haughtily “It is nothing!” Ten minutes later, when the examiner checks back to ask again, “how does it feel now?” Sweat beads a look of distress have contorted his face, his muscles twitch, “I can’t hold on any longer!”   The burden of the weight changes equivalent to the length of time one holds on. The point is that even the most well equipped muscles buckle under the strain of holding a heavy load for too long.  During times of loss and grief it becomes important to lighten our load in anticipation of exhaustion and irritation, to relay on others who will help us to get our orders to the table.

Let the grief and loss soak in

Within the span of an hour or day, a month or two life’s circumstances can change radically, few things offer such stark rotation to direction as saying goodbye. We struggle to understand these mournful changes, staring bleakly at our permanently gnarled family or friend tree, a hallowed and unrecognizable tone offers a faint “goodbye.” Letting go of the old and embracing the new are not often as easy for our human minds as the turning of a calendar page, despite the melting frosts and welcoming warm winds. Yes, the cycle of the grief but let’s too have compassion for our own suffering, let’s not expect too much from ourselves. It’s ok to look out the window and notice that the spring time has a dismal tinge this year. It is only by allowing the April showers to soak into the earth that our spring flowers burst most aptly, so yes let us not refrain from experiencing the depth of our sadness and anguish for fear of falling into a pit of grief, let the sadness soak into our heart, allow it to be felt deeply penetrating the core of the self. Yes, April showers, they do bring many things, a memory of tear drops, the promise of May flowers, replenishing the earth, and they will prepare for another seasons growth ahead.

In care and compassion,

Stephanie McCracken MSPC

Nicole Monteleone LPC, NCC, NBCC

Reviving Minds Therapy

1010 Western Avenue Pittsburgh Pa 15233

412-322-2129

*This is not a substitute for medical or professional advice, this article is for your mild consideration and intended to be an literary artistic musing, if you feel that you may be suffering from depression or sadness due to a loss of some other then please set up an appointment to meet with one of our or another mental health professional.

The Fish and The Bird, A Psychotherapists thoughts on Compliments

The Fish and The Bird, A thoughts on Compliments

Smile from the inside

To those birds flying high, swooping down to proffer complements to external beauty, words like “she’s so pretty”, to the “did you see the way she looks with no makeup on”, to the world of no filter selfies, oh my goodness that girl looks like a hobbit, and look at the photo shop on Justin- he’s really so spindly. Did you see how much weight Kim has gained after her baby? To the land of tinder where we read little and swipe left, swipe right back and forth in an endless procession of objects for our egos and libido. How truly healthy are our minds eyes in whirl of impulsively uttered, “she’s so pretty and you’re so gorgeous” Maybe we are not too late to climb aboard the ship we are missing. It’s not about the way we look so much as the way that we feel. Mature love and even primal lust take much more than a craftily stated tagline and a first date where we are picked up in a shiny new Italian automobile by a man with bulging neck circumference, the male form of silicone breasts.

In a recent conversation with a good friend she mentioned her frustration that her ex-boyfriend would tell her that “she was the most beautiful woman in the world”, she would always feel diminished by this trite and billowy compliment and a few times she would muster the strength to look at him and state “but no, I am not.” Before anyone offers a preliminary diagnosis, she is not a woman with low self-esteem, my friend indeed is a prideful creature but hadn’t ever aspired to compete in the beauty pageant circuit. Yet, every time she would protest the compliment he would change the subject, invariably “you’re the most beautiful woman in the world” was the bloke’s idea of a high compliment. Perhaps some woman or men would swoon over those words, (see definition of bird) however this lady felt injustice upon that remark, this friend is a very lovely woman but she would wonder; “if the best in me is on the outside then what will I be when my skin sags and my locks have faded to silver?” In mindful dating and loving we can call upon the number one rule of persuasion is “know your audience.” It is important to know who it is that you’re talking to when lavishing charming praise upon a lady or gent. The world which compliments a woman or man’s façade without mentioning their inner world is a place where people become invisible or worthless as the years pass by. My friend’s relationship with her well-meaning boyfriend ended many years ago, perhaps in many ways because he never was able to know her inside, she was more mindful of the inner world and he dwelled above, he the bird and she the fish if you will.

If you really have your gaze locked on a lovely man or women and you have struck up conversation and now want to put the lady or gent under loves spell then pay close attention, not to how much his or her teeth sparkle when they smile, instead pay attention to the “what”. Disclaimer*** this may not work for everyone, notice fish and bird above if when dealing with woman who is more fish or mermaid and you use bird praise it may be less effective. On a more serious note our most valuable attributes are those things which vanquish mortality and link us to the wellspring of the eternal. Notice in her the conviction in her tone when she speaks. Observe in your beloved the way that they can put others at ease. Cast attention to his or her work ethic, keeping late hours and waking up in the early hours to start it all over again. Tell her that the attention and skill she puts into maintaining her health are inspirational. You see she just may be more flattered by these compliments, as they speak to something timeless, to values like strength, intention and honor, the things that will hold his or her posture erect even as geriatric skin sages into the most lovely gray pallor. When we feel understood and valued for the core components of our character then we feel connected, for many of us this notion of understanding facilitates the foundation of intimacy and attraction, yet it is not for the faint of heart or those who aren’t willing to put forth the bountiful effort required to nurture love.

In love and kindness,

Stephanie McCracken MSPC

Nicole Monteleone MA, LPC, NCC

Reviving Minds Therapy

1010 Western Avenue Pittsburgh Pa 15233

412-322-2129